Why Did Ultron Have Lips? And Other Questions About Avengers 2

Did you see the new Avengers movie this weekend? I saw it. It was cool. Was it a good movie? I can’t be sure. I’m afraid that a lifetime spent obsessively reading comic books has left me unable to form a genuine opinion about the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I’m just in awe of the fact that it even exists. When I was a little kid, I would have murdered someone for the chance to see a decent Spider-Man movie. And now we have like twelve of them.

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Here’s What You Need To Know Before Dating An Environmentalist

Does your significant other get really bent out of shape trying to explain to friends and family members the looming threat of unlabeled GMO food? Maybe he or she is really into organic farming and spreading awareness about the dangers of recombinant bovine growth hormone. Doesn’t it just drive them crazy, thinking about big oil, about fossil fuels and climate change, about the rising levels of mercury in our already overfished waters? If you can identify with me, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re dating an environmentalist, which is a pretty big catch-all label, sure. But environmentalists care, they really, really care. That’s the whole point.

  • Flickr / Steven Depolo

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My Baby Is Way Better Than Your Baby

Shutterstock / Evgeny Atamanenko
Shutterstock / Evgeny Atamanenko

I know this sounds crazy, because what parent doesn’t think his or her baby is the best? But in my case, it’s true: my baby really is the best baby. And I know I’m totally biased here, so believe me or don’t believe me, whatever. But regardless of whether or not you think what I’m saying is for real, it doesn’t change the reality of the situation, that my baby is the best. He’s the number one baby around. No other babies come close to being even a fraction of how awesome he is.

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2014 was a great year for chicken curry

Sure, it’s been around forever, but 2014 is the year chicken curry finally hit its stride. In a sort of quiet culinary coup d’état, chicken curry mounted what can only be described as gastronomic guerrilla warfare, catapulting itself from boring Indian restaurant mainstay to a perpetual flavor-of-the-week. People are finally getting excited about chicken curry, and rightfully so.

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Seemingly overnight, the modest “chef’s special” menu standby has transitioned to a standout dish at Indian restaurants across the country. Gone are the days when your sister Jane would be the only one to order chicken curry. “Where are we going for dinner? Indian food? Come on, I don’t want to go out for Indian food. Can’t we go somewhere else? What’s wrong with Luigi’s? Ugh, fine, I guess I’ll just get that chicken dish, what’s it called? Yeah, curry, chicken curry, I guess I’ll just get chicken curry.”

And it’s not just Indian restaurants riding the swollen wave of chicken curried popularity. The past year saw a variety of establishments cash in on the versatility and easily adaptive nature of one of America’s favorite ethnic meals. Select TGI Fridays offered limited time chicken curry entrées as part of their “Two For Twenty” value menu, and a rogue McDonald’s franchised out of Spokane, Washington bucked the corporate kitchen by unveiling an east-meets-west McCurried Chicken Sandwich on its limited “Flavors of the World” sandwich of the month menu.

Probably the most dramatic sign of chicken curry’s inevitable western crossover can be seen in the results of 2014 Lay’s “Do Us a Flavor” consumer vote-in potato chip flavor competition. While the snack-eating majority ultimately decided to give the starring role to Kettle Cooked Wasabi Ginger, chicken curry came in third, which would have been unthinkable even five years ago. Just the idea that consumers would be willing to snack on curried flavored potato chips shows that chicken curry’s surge in popularity is much more than a passing trend.

I’m anxious to see how high chicken curry is going to climb in 2015. If I had money to invest, and there were some sort of a stock exchange where you could bet on foods, I’d without a doubt put all of my money on chicken curry. We’re at the chicken curry tipping point, much like the chicken parmesan tipping point twenty years ago. You can’t go anywhere without finding chicken parm on the menu. Even Subway does a chicken parm sandwich. Mark my words, chicken curry is on the exact same trajectory.

If you’re not a big fan of chicken curry, do yourself a favor and learn to like it. Because ten or twenty years from now, it’ll be all but unavoidable, completely saturated into all aspects of modern society. Kids are going to eat it served by school cafeterias. Hospitals will serve it to bedridden old people. “What’s for dinner?” won’t even be a question worth asking anymore, because chances are, the answer is going to be “chicken curry.”

I know what I’m making for dinner tonight. It’s chicken curry, and I’m pumped.

Happy New Year from Times Square!

Wow, the energy here at Times Square is just nuts. It’s not even lunchtime yet, and the whole place is going crazy. This is exactly how I’ve always dreamed it would be, the festive atmosphere, all of the people, the hustle, the bustle. I can’t believe we’re only twelve hours away from 2015, and we’re going to be right here, right in the middle of it all, at the crossroads of America when the clock strikes twelve.

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And I thought we were getting here early. I guess all the real New Yorkers know what’s what, that you have to come even earlier to stake out a good spot. I can still see the ball though, that’s the most important part. But the stage is so far away, I doubt Ryan Seacrest will notice this cool sign I made. It’s a piece of pink cardstock, it says, “Hey Ryan! We’re so happy to be here in NYC!” Yeah, I’m not too great at coming up with cool slogans, but it’s sincere, we really are very happy to be here. And I dressed it up with all sorts of glitter and ribbon and confetti. Maybe one of the cameras will pan to it, and maybe Ryan will see it on one of his little monitors somewhere.

Yeah, you’re right honey, that coffee I had on the way over was a big mistake. I can’t believe there aren’t any port-a-potties set up. Where are all of these people supposed to go to the bathroom? Luckily, it’s so cold that it’s hard to separate the feeling of having to pee from the sensation of all of the blood leaving my extremities.

No, I can’t be negative. So what, so I have to hold it for a little longer, that’s OK. It’s all about the experience. Times Square, New York City, 2015. Someday we’ll have our own kids, and we’ll be sitting at home in the living room watching the ball drop on TV, and I’ll tell the kids, “Kids, do you know that your mother and I went to Times Square one year?”

And the oldest will be a teenager, and he or she will probably be going through that defiant teenage period, not wanting to hang out with the family, definitely not on New Year’s Eve. “Yeah, you told us that story a million times,” will be the reply. But I’ll know that underneath that sourpuss face, there’s going to be a feeling, a disbelief, like really? My parents went to Times Square on New Year’s Eve? That’s so cool.

You’ll never guess what just happened. There was a commotion going on maybe twenty feet away, and so I pushed through the crowd and got close, and it was a street performer! It’s freezing out, I have three coats and two scarves on, but this guy just had a vest, no shirt, just a vest. And he started juggling bowling pins! Wow, the crowd was going wild. Only in the Big Apple, right?

But then, oh jeez, things just took an ugly turn. This guy started passing around a disgusting old hat, I guess begging for change or something. Everybody kind of just looked at their feet, I felt bad about having recorded his whole act on my phone, so I gave him some spare change, I think it was like thirty-seven cents. But then the guy to my left passed the hat without giving anything. The performer got annoyed, he started saying something about photos and money. I don’t know, good thing there are so many cops here to keep a lid on any trouble. They carted him away, hopefully to get a coat, it’s really, very cold out here, way too cold for only a vest. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s homeless, if maybe they’re not doing him a favor. That’s no way to make a living.

Man, I thought I could hold it, but I can’t hold it anymore. There’s still something like ten hours left. If there weren’t so many cops here, I could probably pee somewhere, maybe a cup. I get a shy bladder around large crowds, but this, I don’t know, I’m ready to pop. There’s a dude to my left who looks like he just wet his pants. That’s actually not a bad idea. I mean, it’ll dry, right? And it’s not like I’m going to go back to the hotel. I’ll lose my spot. OK.

Ah … I can’t tell you how great that felt. And I’m sure it’s not going to last very long at all, but I’m just so warm, my pants anyway, I don’t remember ever feeling this warm. But there it goes, now it’s getting cold. And now it’s getting really cold. Ooh, and now it’s freezing. I should have thought about that maybe. I mean, it’s chilly out, yeah, but I didn’t think it was below freezing. Maybe if I just bend back a little, point my crotch toward the sun. This has got to evaporate, right?

No, officer, I didn’t pee myself, I just, I spilled my coffee. Yeah, and then I lost the cup. No, come on, I swear, I’m a tourist. You can’t take me to a shelter. Look, it’ll dry. Please, you have no idea how long I’ve been planning this trip. And what am I supposed to tell my kids? No, honey, you stay, just stay here and celebrate and have fun. One of us needs to be here for when the ball drops. Yes, officer, I’m coming, please, one second here. Honey, take my sign, just, if you see any cameras, try to grab someone’s attention, point to the glitter. OK, I’m going, I’m going. Baby, if they let me out of the shelter, I’ll try to swing back to the hotel, change my pants, and I’ll see if I can’t make it back here. Jeez, there’s no need to get pushy, I’m coming, all right. Honey, Happy New Year! Let me know if you see anybody famous!