I just can’t wait for the future

Pretty soon we’re all going to be wearing those new Google glasses that incorporate the Internet into our actual view of reality. I personally can’t wait. I absolutely hate the fact that my Internet experience is limited to my staring into a tiny mobile screen or coming home and sitting in front of a slightly larger small screen. I want the Internet everywhere.

There are so many practical applications that are going to be made possible by these glasses. Just watch the Youtube video and you can see a guy getting directions around town without having to look down at his phone. He can have a face-to-face conversation with his girlfriend while she’s miles away. These innovations all seem great, but I feel like they are just scratching the surface to an endless world of what will soon be made possible.

I think that these glasses are going to eliminate the awkwardness of dining out with family and friends. Doesn’t anyone else think it’s a little lame that every time a group of people sit down to eat, out come the phones? It’s practically become a fixture of contemporary life. I know you’d probably rather be browsing the Internet than watching me eat, but couldn’t you at least have the decency to try and pretend that my mealtime conversation is somewhat engaging? Internet glasses are going to make this problem all but disappear. Now people can do all of the stuff they want to do online, while at the same time facing their fellow diners, pretending to be interested in whatever is going on in real life.

Not only will the Google glasses make real life more palatable; I think they are going to enhance and make pleasurable what would normally be terrible situations. Imagine yourself stuck in a conversation with someone who is boring the hell out of you. Worse yet, this person fancies himself a comedian, but the jokes are just awful. You have two options: sit there and not laugh, which is rude, or to sit there and pretend to laugh. Every time I fake laugh, people call me out on it, so this is probably even ruder. I’m imagining a cleverly programmed app that, at the sound of a terrible joke, will automatically pull something actually funny from the Internet, and play in right in front of my eyes, unbeknownst to my unfunny companion. That way the laughs will still be genuine even if the jokes are a bore.

This could work for literally any situation for almost any emotional response. How many times have you been to a funeral, but have just been unable to conjure up the right triggers to start crying? I’ve been to so many services where everyone is bawling and blowing their noses and I’m just sitting there, unable to feel any connection with anybody else. People must think I’m some sort of a sociopath. All I’d have to do is play the ending of Star Trek II, where Spock sacrifices his life for his crew, and I’d be sent over the edge. People would probably come over to start consoling me, handing me tissues and saying things like, “there there, Rob, there there.”

With this technology, I think it’s finally time that we’re going to start winning over the built in deficiencies of human nature. Everybody’s heard of fight or flight, right? Hasn’t the flight aspect run its course? Imagine if nobody had to be scared anymore. Soldiers could march onto the battlefields and instead of shooting down their fellow humans, they could take aim at legions of undead zombies. It would make the horrors of war a little bit less emotionally destructive, desertion would all but disappear, and PTSD, well, I’m sure somebody will develop an app to that can placate a veteran reliving a nightmare zombie flashback.

Racism might finally disappear if white supremacists could just program their Internet glasses to make all minorities look like white people. Obesity would cease to be a problem if all fat people saw worms and insects instead of food. I’m so excited. I love the future. I want it to be here so bad, I feel like I’m going to puke.