Game of Thrones? Sorry, I’m way too serious for games.

Here’s why I’m not watching Game of Thrones yet. My gut reaction after watching the commercials and hearing people talk about it is that the whole series seems way too similar to the Lord of the Rings. And I thought that the Lord of the Rings movies were pretty boring. Whatever, boring, yeah, but it’s not like I’m hating on them or anything. I really don’t have anything against them. I watched all three and really tried to get into them. But there were too many characters and I could never keep track of what was going on. And everyone had weird names, so I couldn’t keep anything straight in my head. I got all of the different kings confused. Everyone had a beard. There were too many swordfights. I thought that guy who got killed by the arrows was the same guy that got poisoned and almost burned by his dad. You only got to see Lord Sauron once, in the beginning, and that was it. Right? What was the whole eye thing, was that Sauron or something else? I mean, I watched all of these movies and, at the end of the trilogy, I had little to no idea what had actually happened. And they were all so long.

Everyone’s probably getting so pissed right now. I began with why I haven’t started watching Game of Thrones and immediately jumped to Lord of the Rings. I know that this is a cardinal offense amongst Throners. “But you don’t get it Rob!” everyone always protests, “It’s a fantasy series but it’s not about fantasy!” I get it, I get it. It’s like magic exists but it’s in the background, OK, I got it. I’m sure it’s actually a really great show. Things don’t get to be that popular by being stupid and lame.

But where Lord of the Rings had close to five hundred main characters, I’ve heard that Game of Thrones has something approaching a hundred thousand. And the names are just as crazy. King Fragomire or the honorable knight Sir Heglioth. If I were writing a fantasy series, I would just use regular names so people wouldn’t get so confused. And I’m not trying to say that regular is better, it’s just that, when people make up names that aren’t rooted in any actual human culture, and you’re planning on using a ton of them, it all winds up sounding kind of silly. Or alien. Like Kal-El. But he actually is an alien, so that works. Think about Star Wars. It’s a long time ago somewhere very far away. But the names are still Luke, Ben, Porkins. At some level I can still connect with what’s going on.

But all of this is just secondary to the real reason why I won’t get into Game of Thrones, and it’s not at all a unique or original reason or insight. As everyone knows, the author is two books short of finishing the series. He’s old, and because he’s old, and fat, everyone’s worried that he’s not going to be able to do it. Personally, I feel bad for the guy. He’s just writing his stories and all of the sudden his books take off and the whole world starts getting angry at him because he might die. It seems a little shortsighted and inconsiderate of us a species.

Having said that, I really don’t want to get sucked into an engaging series that doesn’t have an ending. That’s why I’ll never watch Lost. Where’s the eventual payoff? I’ve read something like the author of Game of Thrones wrote way too many characters into his books, so many that now he can’t even keep track of what’s going on as he tries to finish the last two. It sounds like a nightmare from his perspective. Meanwhile, to ratchet up the pressure even more, HBO is coming out with a new season every summer. What’s going to happen when the series catches up with the books? What, is there going to be some sort of a six year hiatus? I don’t think so. Our modern public won’t stand for it. HBO would probably rather hire an assassin to finish off the author while they just write the rest of them it themselves.

If I were a fantasy novelist, I would read all of the books that already came out and then I would just write the last two by myself. Screw the author. I don’t care if I wouldn’t make any money. I’d just write them and release them on the Internet. And even though I’d probably be hated for completely jacking this guy’s series, people would get so tired of waiting around that they’d eventually have no choice but to read mine. And, like any entrenched series, there would be people for and against my books. And maybe it would light a fire under the author’s ass, and he’d rush to finish the series on his own. But that would be even better, because there would be two endings to this series, his and mine. And maybe mine would be better. They probably wouldn’t, but maybe. Who knows right?

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