Ever since I saw the trailer for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, I’ve felt a wave of inspiration to write a bunch of other historically inspired thrillers. My first one is going to be called Calvin Coolidge: In Space. It’s going to start off at that famous White House party, the one where that woman walks up to President Coolidge and says, “My friend made a bet that I can’t get you to say more than three words,” and just as Silent Cal is about to say, “You lose,” a group of space explorers, from the future, appears out of nowhere.
“President Coolidge!” they’ll cry. And Coolidge will turn to the camera and say, “Here we go again,” and they’ll all be teleported aboard a spaceship in the future. And when they appear on the bridge of the ship, Coolidge won’t be wearing his suit and tie anymore, he’ll be wearing a spaceship captain’s uniform. And the ship will be under heavy fire. And Coolidge won’t even have to say a word, he’ll just calmly make gestures to his crew, and they’ll all understand him, and they’ll somehow destroy the enemy vessel just in the nick of time.
Then there’s going to be a flashback to a young Calvin Coolidge growing up on the moon of some distant planet even further in the future. And you’ll learn how he became a space captain, and why he got to be so quiet, and how he wound up in the past on that first spaceship, and then how he wound up even further in the past to become President. Now that I’m thinking about it, I think that Calvin Coolidge: In Space, isn’t a descriptive enough title. It’s terrible, disgusting. Nobody’s going to want to see it. They’ll think it’s stupid and boring. I’m going to call it, Calvin Coolidge: Captain Space President of the Future in the Past. There we go. Seriously, let’s do this.
And then after I’m done writing that movie, I’m going to write another movie called, Joan of Arc: Witch Doctor. Everybody knows that Joan of Arc was burned at the stake, right? And everybody thinks it has something to do with religion, right? Wrong. This movie is going to tell the untold tale of Joan of Arc, where she was actually a sorceress from a parallel magic universe. Some enemy goblins escaped from her dimension to our dimension, and she has to follow them here to stop them from taking over our world. And she does it, but everyone is scared of her powers so they wind up burning her at the stake. But she’s a witch doctor, so she just let’s everybody think she’s dying up there, but she’s really just teleporting back to her own reality. So it’s like a new, happier ending for Joan of Arc. Kind of like when they killed Hitler at the end of Inglorious Basterds. Maybe if we enter another Dark Age, where all the books get burned and knowledge is banned, maybe thousands of years in the future, as society struggles to rebuild, to find out what happened before the second Dark Age, someone will come across a copy of this movie buried in a monastery somewhere and they’ll think that this is how it really happened. Just imagining that as a possibility is enough to motivate me to come up with these great ideas, nonstop.
I could think of movies all day long. Isn’t there a movie coming out called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? OK, well, how about Crime and Punishment and Robocop? Or let’s do War and Peace and Mummies. And then Law and Order and the Plague. I mean, it’s really easy. You just find existing movie titles or book titles that consist of two nouns separated by the word “and.” And then after the second noun, you make a third “and” and you just add something wacky, like Beauty and the Beast and the KKK. Boom. Can you imagine if I were actually in charge of an actual movie studio? I would’ve made millions of dollars just by writing this paragraph. Your loss Hollywood.
And I could do kids’ stuff too. Because at the same time that I’ll be producing all of these blockbusters, I’m going to be writing another movie, a children’s movie, called Christopher Columbus vs. Pinocchio. Columbus was Italian right? Perfect. In this movie, we’ll find out that Geppetto actually already had a son. And the son’s name was Christopher Columbus. But Christopher Columbus’s mom died during childbirth, and the little boy was left all alone. And he really wanted a brother so bad. But his dad was consumed by his work as a puppeteer, and didn’t have any time to go out looking for a wife or having any more kids. But then one of Columbus’s toys, Pinocchio, comes to life. And at first they are both happy. But then Pinocchio turns out to be a huge brat. He’s constantly crying and complaining to Geppetto that Columbus isn’t playing fair or isn’t sharing his toys.
“But you are a toy!” Christopher Columbus will say to his new brother. And Pinocchio will respond, “Not anymore! And now you have to share all of your stuff!” And that will be the whole movie, just the two of them the whole time engaged in nonsense sibling rivalry. We’ll market it as, “The untold story, before he discovered the New World, Christopher Columbus discovered that brotherly love conquers blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,” you get it, right? Think about it. It’s going to be a Disney film and it’s going to be in CGI and it’s going to be in 3D. But there’s a twist: the theatres will be playing the movie on two screens side by side. So they’ll advertise the movie as 6D. It obviously won’t be six-dimensional, because I don’t think that string theory has been able to empirically prove the existence of extra dimensions just yet, but people are stupid and won’t really mind paying an extra four bucks for the added novelty. It’s going to be a huge success. Make it an extra eight bucks. Yes, all of them huge successes. No, you still can’t keep the glasses. And why would you want to? Seriously, what are you planning to use them at home? They only work at the theatre, not on your TV. Besides, you look like an idiot wearing them. And can you imagine how many people have worn those on their greasy heads before you? Gross.