I’m thinking about joining the army. I always felt that I’d be a great fit for the US armed forces. I’m tall. I’ve got a really loud voice that I can project for very long distances and that I can sustain for an almost indefinite period of time. And I really think that I could pull off the uniform. I wonder if there’s some sort of general training program. I don’t mean general in the general sense of the word; I’m talking about actually being promoted right from civilian to General. I think two-star general would be appropriate, because I’d need some higher rank to aspire to, like maybe five-star General. I could be the first five-star General since Omar Bradley.
When the day comes that I find myself promoted to five-star General, my first order of business will be a non-violent military coup against the President. I’ll convince the American public that the President is actually a Chinese spy. I’m not going to have him executed or imprisoned. I’m just going to have him hidden away somewhere, where he can live out the remainder of his days in peace and obscurity.
My second order of business will be to demand that the Congress create a new military rank, a six-star General, and that I be promoted to this new rank immediately. What’s the difference between a five-star General and a six-star General? Well, besides the fact that there’s a whole new star, six-star Generals don’t have to answer to anybody. Not the government, not the public, not even the economy. Six-star Generals transcend currency. Money doesn’t exist for them. If they want something, they go to a store and just take it for free. Some might call this a blatant grab for power and wealth, but I’ll really just be making sure that nobody, not even the richest people in the world, could ever even think about trying to buy the six-star General’s influence. I’ll be incorruptible.
My third order of business would be to eliminate the current ranks of four-star and five-star Generals. This way I could discourage any of my less honorable subordinates from gunning for my position. This will be a genius move. I’ll tell them, yeah, sure, maybe you guys could be six-star Generals someday, but only if you move up the ranks in number order, no skipping. And if anybody pressed the matter further, which I highly doubt, if they point out how I went from civilian right to two-star General, then I’ll start eliminating even more ranks, until everybody under me is nothing more than a frontline infantryman.
After I take over the US armed forces, my next order of business will be to approach the other world nations and offer them the services of my army. This will be my smartest move yet. I’ll approach the other nations, starting with the next biggest army and moving my way down, and I’ll say, hey guys, the US army wants to join your army. We’re at your service. There’s only one demand: that I get to be in charge as the six-star General. And they’ll be confused at first. They’ll ask me, “But General, does this mean that it would still be the US army or would it be our army?” And I’ll reassure them that it would be their army. They could call it whatever they want, I don’t care. And they’ll agree.
Fools. As soon as they relinquished control, one by one, I’ll depose the majority of all of the world’s leaders and presidents until only a number of much smaller countries remain. I’ll insist that these tiny powers keep their sovereignty, but not really, because I’ll be constantly making them sign these ridiculous treaties, promising them this and promising them that, but then as soon as the elaborate signing ceremonies are over, I’ll order all of my troops to start doing exactly the opposite of what the treaties said.
And if their puny leaders call me up, saying stuff like, “But General! But General! You promised!” I’ll order all of my troops in the surrounding areas to line up around the perimeter of their national border, and I’ll command them all to start pointing and laughing at everybody inside, at the whole country, in unison.
My grip on power will be absolute, but I will be a fair, just, and wise leader. And in my final years of life, I’ll order all of the world’s guns and weapons and ammunition to be thrown into a giant pile somewhere. Every single one of them, except for one nuclear weapon, which I’ll use to blow up the whole pile. And then I’ll have everyone collect all of the molten slag that remains after the explosion, and I’ll have them use it to build a giant statue in my image. It will be the biggest statue in the history of the planet, and the statue will be of me, posing triumphantly, holding the end of a giant missile, pulling if from my mouth as if I were eating a shrimp cocktail, and the face will be chewing, like the statue is just finishing the missile off as a snack. And on the bottom there will be a ridiculously oversized plaque, even the plaque itself will be bigger than any other statue in the world, just to give you a sense of the true size and scope of this statue, and the plaque will say, “Forever live the eternal memory of history’s only six-star General, destroyer of war, herald of world peace, savior of humanity.”