Hanging out with my bros!

Boys’ night out! I’m hanging out with the dudes tonight. Things are gonna get cuh-ray-zee! It’s going to be a par-tee! OK I’ll stop it with the weird spell-ling!

I love hanging out with my bros. We always have such a great time together. No girls to drag us down. We always start out the night by shotgunning a beer and then slamming our chests together while we chant the words “Guys!” in unison. And that’s just the start! From there it keeps getting crazier and manlier. Who knows what’s going to happen?

One time my brah Steve took a can of beer and bit into the side like an apple. Everyone ducked for cover, just waiting to get sprayed in brew, but nobody got wet! It turns out that Steve-O had frozen an entire twelve-pack! And he still ate all of them! Chomp chomp chomp! Even the cans! It was the sickest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m telling you, it can’t get manlier than that.

Well, that’s what I thought, until my best friend Marty told us he was taking it easy that night, something about a big job interview in the morning. We spent the whole night making fun of how much of a loser he was being. But then one of my other pals, Jimmy, thought of a great idea. He went out and bought Marty a bunch of tacos from Taco Bell. And then he took a bunch of pills from his mom’s medicine cabinet and crushed them all over the tacos. Twenty minutes later Marty’s not looking so great. And then we all tell him: hey guess what Marty? You’re wrecked! It was hilarious. He got into it, like really into it. He started drinking beer, vodka, ketchup, everything! He got so fucked up!

When we were all in college, this group of nerds down the hall always played this game called Edward Forty Hands. The idea was that they taped a forty-ounce bottle of beer to each hand, and they couldn’t take them off until they finished them both. It sounded really childish and immature to all of us. So we took it to the next level, made it a real adult game. We basically did the same thing, but with bottles of bourbon instead of beer. It was ridiculous! And then we told our spotter – the person who’s supposed to watch us all and take off the bottles when we’re done – to take a hike. Every man for himself!

So my best bro Cliff, he thinks he’s the toughest, he finishes off his whiskey and then starts breaking the bottles against his head. What an idiot! There was glass and blood everywhere. I’m the smartest out of my group of friends, so I told my friend Hank, I told him, listen, we’ll finish our last sips at the exact same time, and then we’ll say, together, on the count of three, “Wonder Twin Powers: Activate!” you know, from Super Friends? And then we’ll smash our empty bottles together in the air. It would be hilarious! And we wouldn’t get all cut up like Cliff did. So we did it and it worked! Well, it worked for me. Hank still got cut up a little. I think I overdid it on my end. I’m the smartest and I’m also the strongest out of my group of friends.

I just love getting together with the fellas! One time my best friend Stan locked himself in the bathroom for like an hour. “What the hell Stan?” we all cried out. “Let’s get going! You’re taking forever!” and Stan came out of the bathroom, finally, crying, and he had peed his pants. So we all started pointing and laughing, like the laughing was just escalating, like I thought I wasn’t going to be able to laugh anymore, but then I’d look at my friend Larry, and he had snot coming out of his nose he was laughing so hard, so I started all over again. But then we looked at Stan and he was still crying. He was really upset.

But we’re bros. We’re not going to go out knowing that Stan’s left behind, humiliated, embarrassed. So we all peed our pants. It was my idea. Well it Adam Sandler’s idea, but it was my idea to do it just like in the movie. We all stood around in a circle with a can of beer, and the plan was, we’d all shotgun that can and immediately pee our pants. Because that way it would just look cooler, and that way nobody could back out. Or nobody could start making fun of somebody else because that person peed first. Nobody would be able to say something smart like, “Whoa! Looks like Enrique didn’t have any trouble peeing his pants!” So we’d all do it together. And we did. And it was pretty cool, a real guy’s moment.

And then Stan started laughing. And he ran to the bathroom and changed into a clean pair of pants. “Where’d you get a clean pair of pants from?” we all asked. And once Stan finished laughing, he told us that he never peed his pants in the first place. It was just water. And he wanted to trick us all into peeing our pants together. Because he knew we would. Because he had just watched Billy Madison like two days ago. And it worked. And he started laughing again. But we all got real quiet and slowly moved towards him, ready to give him the beat down of a lifetime.

“Wait!” Stan cried right before we threw our first punch, “Jack didn’t pee his pants! Look!” And it was true. Jack hadn’t peed his pants.

“I can explain!” Jack said, “I have a shy bladder! I was trying! I swear!” But it was too late. Bros do everything together, and we just found out the hard way that Jack wasn’t a true bro. So we beat the shit out of him and tossed him out the front door. And then we started giving each other high fives, but then I noticed Stan giving out high fives too. And then everyone else noticed. Think you’d get off the hook that easily, huh Stan? Not so fast. And then we beat the shit out of Stan and gave him the boot.

Man, hanging out with the guys is the best! You never know what kind of trouble you’re going to get into on a bros’ night out!

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