Hello! Waiter! Hello!

I’m not ready to order. Are you my server? Can you find my server? Yes, we’re ready now. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Tell me about your garden salad. You don’t have a garden salad? What kind of a place doesn’t have a garden salad? Yes I’ve looked at the menu. Do you have any sort of a green salad? Yes, I see the salad section. So you have salads? What would be the closest thing to a garden salad? A garden salad, like, you know, vegetables you find in the garden. Tomatoes. Cucumbers. I don’t like cauliflower. Actually, I’m allergic to cauliflower. You know what? Can you just put the cauliflower on the side? On the side is that OK? OK, so I’ll take the garden salad, can you chop that? Like all chopped up. Like just have them chop everything up. Are there mushrooms in that garden salad? I’m actually allergic to mushrooms. Yeah, so just no mushrooms, thanks. Does it come in a bowl? Does it come in a big bowl? Can you put it in a bigger bowl? Just so when I’m mixing it all up. You know what, can I have some more water? Thanks. What kind of dressing do you have? Ranch? Do you have ranch? Who doesn’t have ranch? All right, I’ll take the balsamic. But on the side. Please. And the dijon. Also on the side. OK, so you’ve got that right? The two dressings on the side, OK. Do you have any breadsticks? Does that come with bread?

You know what, I can’t do a salad without ranch, I’ll just have a burger. No bun. Sauteed mushrooms, please. And I want it medium, you know, no pink. And no bun. Does that come with fries? Can I get a salad instead? Do you have like a smaller garden salad that you could give me instead of fries? OK, so no mushrooms in that, right? Can I get an iced tea? It’s unsweetened right? Perfect! Wait, do you have any Splenda or just this Equal and Sweet-and-Low? Oh no, no, no, no, no never mind. I’ll just have a Diet Coke. Diet Pepsi? Fine. Do you have diet Sierra Mist? No? OK, fine, diet Pepsi is fine. Dressing on the side, right? No mayo on the burger. Can I get a little more water, I’m so parched.

OK, kids, what do you want to eat? Kids! Kids put down the Game Boy for a second here so we can order. What do you want to eat? Kids what do you want to eat? What do you have for kids? Do you have a kids’ menu? Do you have chicken fingers? Kids! Kids, do you want chicken fingers? Kids, chicken fingers? Chicken? You want some chicken fingers? You don’t have chicken fingers? Kids, they don’t have chicken fingers. You want a grilled cheese? Sweetie, do you want a grilled cheese? Honey, please, just look here for one second, honey. How do you not have chicken fingers? You have anything like chicken fingers? Breaded chicken breast? Kids, you want breaded chicken breast? It’s like chicken fingers. All right that’s it! Give me the Game Boy! You’ll get it back after you eat! Because you’re not paying attention that’s why! You know what, they’re not going eat that. You have plain pasta? With sauce? OK, two plain pastas with sauce. Put the sauce on the side. And no cheese, no garnishes, no parsley. Can you have them turn down the AC? It’s freezing in here.

Is that table over there empty? Well are they leaving soon? Could we move over there once they pay? Did you give them the check yet? Well, if they leave like before our food comes out, could we move? It looks much roomier, much more comfortable. My kids need a little more space than this. Sit down! Would you please just sit down! Here, take the Game Boy, just sit down! Sorry. You know we’re actually in a rush, so if you could just tell the kitchen to put like a rush on our order, we’re really hungry. The kids are starving. We’re just really hungry. So just a little rush.

You know, I hate to do this to you, but the kids don’t like the pasta. The sauce doesn’t taste right. It just, I don’t know, they said it doesn’t taste right. We’re not going to eat it, so you can just take it off. Just take it off the check. You know, I think they’re OK. They’ll just have some ice cream. Kids, you want ice cream? You want vanilla? You want chocolate? Vanilla? Kids you want whipped cream? Do you want whipped cream? Kids, put down the Game Boy or no ice cream! Kids, you want whipped cream? You want a cherry? Kids you want sprinkles? Sprinkles? Yes? Is that a yes? You know what? Just put some sprinkles on the side, if they want them they’ll use them. You have chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? Just a little of both I guess. But just, can you see if they just could hurry that out? The kids are starving. They’re so hungry. Thanks a lot. The burger? Eh, it’s OK. They probably could’ve seasoned the meat a little better. I think they cooked it too fast. It’s a little dry. No, it’s fine. Well … no, it’s fine. Well … no … well … I’m fine, I’m fine. You have cappuccino? I’ll take a latte. Skim. Decaf. Splenda. No Splenda? Right, I’ll just … I’ll just … I’ll just … I’ll just … I’ll take it. Wait.

One thought on “Hello! Waiter! Hello!

  1. Pete

    I…. I…. I don’t know what to say… I can’t believe a “kid’s” restaurant doesn’t have chicken fingers, or a “kid’s” menu.


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