I’m so goddamn funny! Hahaha!

Hahaha! I like to be so funny at work. Everyone thinks I’m the funniest. All day long I’m just making jokes and doing wacky stuff. Everyone loves it! There used to be this other guy that worked with us and everyone else also thought that he was pretty funny, and sometimes people would say, “I don’t know which one of you two is funnier!” but that guy got fired like three months ago, and so now it’s just me. I hated that guy, mostly because I was really jealous of him and afraid that one day someone would say to somebody else, “You know, I’ve though about it and I’ve decided that the other guy is actually much funnier,” and word would get back to me and I would get so pissed off. And I’d get really angry just imagining that happening, and it would stay with me for the rest of the day, really getting in the way of my sense of humor. But, like I said, he’s gone now, so I have the spotlight completely to myself. I go into work and everyone’s like, “Here’s Rob! Get ready to laugh!” Hahaha!

I do this thing where I go up to three unsuspecting coworkers and I’ll ask one of them which one of the other two coworkers he or she likes better. Ha! Like the other two people aren’t even there! Ha! Like I’m talking about them behind there back, right in front of them! Ha! It’s great. And then while everyone is busy laughing at that joke, I’ll make my own decision, I’ll say something like, “I’m going to have to go with …” and then I’ll just say a random name. And everyone is so busy laughing from the first part of the joke that they don’t even see the second part coming. And the laughing gets so crazy, so intense, it’s like the muscles on the sides of everyone’s jaw are aching from holding their mouths open in such a sustained heavy laugh for so long. Like everyone’s face is red and the laughing is so hard that it hurts. There’s a part of everyone that wishes they could just catch their breath, just for a second, just one breath because they are all running out of oxygen, but the laughter is so gripping that nobody can even relax their chest muscles at all, not even for a second, not even to take half a breath. It’s like everyone’s torso muscles are just locked in a flexed position, and it’s not even a laugh anymore, it’s beyond a laugh, it’s just a bunch of deep-red-faced people standing around twitching almost violently because they’re stuck in the grip of a profoundly deep seismic laugh. It’s great!

Everyone at work has to be clean-shaven every day. I know, right? Crazy. What is this the army? Ha! That was funny! I say funny little witty comments like that all the time at work. Like the boss will post a memo about some new rule, and I’ll just point to it and say to everyone, “Geez, what is this, the Marine Corps?” and everyone will just laugh and laugh. Anyway, one time for a whole month I only shaved one side of my face, letting the other side get all beardy. Every time my boss came into the room, I’d make sure that she was only facing me from my clean side. As soon as she turned away from me, I’d switch sides and silently point out my bearded profile to everyone else, right behind her back. Everyone would start laughing and my boss wouldn’t get it, obviously, so she’d turn around to see what was going on, but while she was turning around, I’d expertly rotate my body 180 degrees, almost in unison with her turning around to me, and I’d pretend like I was working really hard, not even paying attention to what was going on. She would get really flustered at the other employees for fooling around on the job too much, and while she yelled at them, I’d turn around again and start dancing behind her, constantly switching sides, alternating between serious, clean-shaven Rob and zany, bearded Rob. This only made my coworkers laugh even more, and it was made my boss even angrier, because this was all going down just as everyone was getting yelled at for laughing and goofing off in the first place, and they were trying really hard not to laugh, like biting down on their fists and pretending that the laughing wasn’t laughing, but coughing, but it wasn’t convincing at all. That was so funny! People are still talking about how funny that was! Ha!

I have this other trick where I walk around with a teapot. Hahaha! It’s crazy! Usually, when someone’s walking around with a teapot, it’s usually filled with boiling water. You know, for like tea and stuff. So I started this little game where I would walk around with a teapot, making sure to take really careful steps, holding it by the edge very cautiously, and then as soon as I got near a coworker, I would pretend like I’m spazzing out and I’d lose control of the teapot. But, hahaha! here’s the twist: there wouldn’t ever be any hot water in the teapot. Get it? So whoever was by me would get all freaked out, would get ready for a scalding hot burn, but just after all of the muscles in their body finished clenching up they’d realize that it was all a big prank! And the teapot always made this hollow crashing sound to the floor and that’s when everyone would start laughing like crazy! And after whoever it was realized that it was empty, they’d just catch their breath and then kind of shoot me this look that said without saying it, “Who else but Rob G.?” before joining in the laughter with everyone else. It’s hilarious! (Although one time I actually did drop a pot of really hot tea on somebody, but this person must have been so conditioned to laughing whenever I had a teapot that, instead of crying out in pain, he just doubled over on the floor, busting a gut. I’d like to think that I made a normally terrible experience just a little bit more enjoyable.)

I do all sorts of crazy stuff at work! I hide people’s stuff and then leave little notes that are half-jokes/half-clues, all leading back to their missing stuff! I’ll dip my hand in honey and then walk around the room giving unsuspecting coworkers high-fives! I called up a coworker’s phone from a payphone down the block and told them I was the cops and that their parents got locked up for a vast money-laundering scheme! I fill up everybody’s drinks with Tabasco sauce! I replaced all of the Tabasco sauce with cherry syrup! I replaced all of the cherry syrup with vanilla syrup! I replaced all of the vanilla syrup with good maple syrup! I replaced all of the good maple syrup with gross Log Cabin artificial maple flavored syrup! One time I mixed up all of the labels on the soda machine! When one guy lost his wallet, I found it, but I stole fifty bucks! I’m so goddamn funny! Ask anyone! Hahaha! Hahahahaha! Ha!