The world’s most dangerous man

I thrive on danger. I’d say danger’s my middle name, but it’s not, and I feel like somebody’s already said that somewhere else, but I can’t remember where. Whenever I ride a bike, I never wear a helmet. Please, what do I look like, a total loser? Not only do I not wear a helmet, but I don’t even use brakes. I had them removed. It really makes me ride with a sense of purpose. I get this feeling of intense concentration, which I like. But it’s really hard to stop, which I don’t like, not as much. Actually, it’s impossible to stop. No brakes, you know, so, if I really have to, like if there’s a car that’s about to hit me, I can jump off the bike. I did it one time, and I landed on my feet fine. I looked around at everyone staring at my near-perfect landing, raised my hands in the air and said, “ta-da!” Some people started clapping. My bike got destroyed though, and I haven’t bought a new one yet. But once I do, I’m going to take the brakes right off. Just rip them right out, with my hands. And maybe the handlebars too.

When I’m riding in a car? You guessed it, no seatbelt. Seatbelts are for complete weenies. Trust me, I don’t need a seatbelt. I have great posture. If I’m ever rear-ended or if I ever drive into a pole, well my back is always just really straight, and my neck muscles are so strong that I don’t think I’ll have whiplash. No, I’m definitely sure I won’t. But there’s always the problem of the police. Every once in a while they’ll hide out and stop every single driver and do a seatbelt check. One time I got stopped on a long line of cars. The person I was driving with told me it was a seatbelt check, and that I had better buckle up. But I refused. First of all, I don’t listen to side-seat drivers. If I’m behind the wheel, don’t tell me what to do, all right? Second of all, I’m not going to be bullied around by any cops. I got a ticket. But it doesn’t matter because I threw it out. Anytime I’m driving now, I always wear these custom shirts that I made myself. I took a bunch of seatbelts and sewed them diagonally across the chest, so it looks like I’m wearing a seatbelt, even though I’m not.

Boating? No life jackets. Rollerblading? Leave the kneepads at home. Soccer? Shin-guards are for babies. Do I look like a baby? Whenever I go swimming, I make sure that I eat a huge meal right before I jump in. Like the second before. When I’m in the water, I’m still chewing my last bite. Charlie horses aren’t really a big deal. I don’t understand why they’re so dangerous. It’s just like a stomachache. I’m not one to start crying over a little tummy ache. Just don’t go in the deep end. I’m not talking about me, I’m talking to you, because you probably wouldn’t make it. I only go in the deep end. If there’s no deep end, I start diving. Stupid sign. You don’t know how good of a diver I am.

The last time I had strep throat the doctor gave me antibiotics. But then I took some anti-antibiotics. I wanted to make it more interesting. I wanted to see which ones would win. I think the regular antibiotics won though, because my sore throat went away after a few days.

I used to play ice hockey with no skates. No shoes either. Just bare feet. Everyone told me I was out of my mind. My parents told me my feet would freeze off. My coach told me if they didn’t freeze, someone would skate over them. And he was right, one time that really happened. But my feet were fine. It were the other guy’s skates that broke. Cracked right in half. You can look it up. I was on the news. Oh yeah, and of course I wasn’t wearing any other protection either. No helmet. No gloves. No padding. Nothing. I was practically naked out there on the ice. I never even used a stick. That was on the news one time also. Check it out.

One time I went zip lining over a cliff and I didn’t use a harness. One time I went on an upside-down rollercoaster and I unbuckled the seatbelt right before we took off. When I’m on a plane I always turn my cell phone on and start making as many calls as possible. I just never talk, so the flight attendants never catch on. I’m supposed to take some sort of medicine before I go to the dentist. He always asks if I took it, and I always say yes. But I never do. What a clown.