Why is morale so low around here?

Morale is at an all time low. We’re not blind to that fact. We get it. We were just ignoring it for a while, seeing if it might not starting going up again by itself. Maybe it was just a weird phase. Maybe everyone would start getting happy again. But it’s not. And since we first identified the all time low, things have dropped even lower. A new all time low. It’s dropping so fast that I can’t even keep up with labeling right now correctly as an all time low, because before I even have a chance to complete my sentence, it’s dropped even further, and so it’s technically not true anymore. But you get the idea. Very, very low morale.

Which is why we’ve decided to take some morale boosting measures, make some morale boosting rules. We’re positive that these rules will turn morale around in no time. The first rule concerns hugging. From now on, whenever you see somebody, you have to give him or her a hug. And not one of those fake hugs. It has to be an actual embrace. For at least five second. You actually have to count to five. Not necessarily out loud, but if you’re not saying it out loud, make sure you’re screaming it as loud as you can in your head. Block out all other thoughts. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. But not too fast. You can count Mississippi afterwards, but only if it helps. It’s not necessarily required. But if you finish hugging and it’s too short, you have to start over. We’re going to have to be very strict here.

I’m looking at some numbers here. It looks like morale is on the up and up already. That’s good news. Very good news. I’d say count to six in your head. This way you’ll be positive that you’re hugging for at least five seconds. I’ve always found it much better to overshoot than to undershoot. Plus, if you’re counting to five, and it’s a little fast, but the person you’re hugging is counting slower, at a more appropriate pace, well then you’re grip is going to be a little off, you’ll be letting go of the hug too early. But the other person will still be hugging. And that might get a little awkward, like you’re feeling like you’re just being held, your limp body just kind of there in this other person’s arms. We’re looking for a casual mutual embrace here, not one party holding another party. Hugs will definitely improve morale. But if it’s off for even a second, well, the studies aren’t back yet on how morale will be affected, but it’s always safe to assume the worst, right? That way we’ll be prepared.

You know what? I think that both parties should count out loud, to five. And scratch the Mississippis. We don’t want to be vocalizing a preference of one state over another. Corporate’s going to be down our throats. Just count a thousand. Don’t count to a thousand, just count, one one-thousand, two one-thousand, etc. We’re really just looking for a syllable count here, something to keep a measure, like beats. Just so everybody’s on the same page.

More numbers. Looks like morale’s turning around here folks. Well, it hasn’t completely turned around yet. But it’s not plummeting as fast. This has got to be some good news, a break in downward momentum. Wait a second, even more numbers. These numbers are terrible. This isn’t good news … wait. Wait, more numbers. OK, these are some great numbers. I think it worked. It definitely worked. Don’t discount morale. Any good team needs morale. Any good organization. Get over here, you. You. What’s your name, you. Just, I’ll go left, you go right. No, not like … OK. There. A little tighter. That’s it. One one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand, four one-thousand, five one-thousand. Terrific.

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