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“Mike” is not available.

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Hello, Mike, it’s me, Rob. Why aren’t you answering your phone Mike? Why aren’t you calling me back Mike? I hate leaving voicemails. You know I hate voicemails. I know you hate them. We both hate them. Mike? Why are you making me do this Mike? Is your phone broken? I texted, I swear, but I’m not getting any responses. Is this about last week? Listen, I’d like to apologize. I want to say sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t know why you’re mad at me. Are you mad at me? I can’t tell. Sometimes when your phone is broken the texts never get sent, or they get sent, but they get sent to your old phone, and then when you get a new phone, the texts never show up. Is that what’s going on here Mike? I think it’s the same with voicemails too. Or are you mad at me? Phone problems or friend problems? Are you busy or are you ignoring me?

Is it about those phone calls last week? Well I wasn’t sure because I lost my phone and I had to have it deactivated and when I got a new phone and activated it I was just calling, wondering to see if you’d called. I didn’t want to be a bad friend. I didn’t want you to think that I was ignoring you or something or not returning your phone calls. Like you’re doing to me right now. Mike? I’m not mad. I was just … I thought you might be mad. Are you mad? I’m a little mad. Not mad, worried.

Mike, I’m more worried now than anything else. Not pissed. Worried about you. I know it sounds crazy, you know, because I’ve been talking now for so long. This is way too long of a message. Yeah, I’m thinking about it even more and you’re probably not going to … well, you’ll listen to it. Right? Why wouldn’t you? I’m pretty sure nothing’s wrong. Right? I mean, why would you be mad at me? We’re cool, right Mike?

Is this about all that beer I drank at your parents’ BBQ? I told you I was sorry about that, right? You know I called your dad too and told him I was sorry. He said it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t sound mad at me. He always sounds like that, right? Like distant. Classic Mike’s dad. Did he say something to you, something different? What about your mom, was she pissed? That could have happened to anyone. And it wasn’t that big of a mess, I mean, that’s why they have pool filters in the first place. To filter stuff out. Besides I was out driving around the other day and I passed by your parents’ place and I just walked around the back to see if you guys were hanging out. Nobody was, but the pool looked fine. You wouldn’t know there was ever a mess in the first place. Mike, you would have told me if you were still upset, right Mike?

Is this about that fifty bucks? Because, you know I swear I remember already paying you back. I’m positive. A hundred percent. And didn’t I tell you I’d pay you back sixty? I’m pretty sure I paid you back seventy. So you kind of owe me ten bucks. Even though I was really just saying I’d pay with interest more of like a gesture. I was, actually, I was a little surprised when you agreed to the sixty. Friends aren’t supposed to be making money off of each other, right? I mean, if you tried to pay me back thirty, I wouldn’t take the extra cash. I’d take twenty. But I definitely paid you back. Check you receipts man. Not real receipts, obviously, but don’t you keep a record of your money somewhere? Mike?

Are you going to be around later? I could always just swing by and see if you’re home. We could go out and watch a movie or something. I know you already saw Batman, but maybe you’d want to see it again? You know because I was kind of waiting, like I thought you were waiting too, like I thought we would go and see it together. You liked it right? What do you say, you want to go see Batman tonight? I guess I could just stop by later and see. But maybe we shouldn’t do a movie, not unless you call me back, not unless you get back to me, because I’d want to buy the tickets in advance, because I hate getting there and finding out that it’s sold out. Yeah, I know, Batman’s been open for a while now. Still, you said it was good, right? Like real good, right?

I really hope you’re not upset with me Mike. I really hope you’re not dead somewhere. Jesus, Mike, I’m getting even more worried here. It would be one thing if it rang and then went to voicemail, or if it went straight to voicemail, but it’s that weird two rings then voicemail. What does it mean Mike? I hope you’re not kidnapped. I hope nobody’s torturing you, ripping off your fingernails with a pair or pliers. What was that movie where that happened? We saw that together, right? Are you OK? Maybe I should just check up. Mike if you’re being tortured, just agree to whatever they say. Just focus on getting through the torture as fast as possible. Maybe I should call your dad. I don’t know. Just, Mike, just give me a call back. Just send me a text. Just let me know you’re OK. Please? I’m sorry this is such a long message. I just, I’m … I don’t know. Mike? Just call me back, OK? All right. This is Rob, by the way. Rob G. All right. I’ll … I’m just … I’ll talk to you later. Adios amigo. That was lame, sorry. I was just … Mike?

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