President Obama is, in my opinion, the worst President in the history of the United States. Scratch that, in the history of the world. In the history of history. The President of Egypt is a better president. The President of the East Coast Star Trek Fan Club is a better president. Obviously, that President doesn’t have as many responsibilities, but the responsibilities that he does have, he executes flawlessly. And so even though it might not be that important of a presidency, I’d argue that he’s still the better President.
One time President Obama came to my hometown on a bus tour. I was so excited to maybe get a chance to meet the President, I waited inside this twenty-four hour diner for two whole days, because I knew that he’d be stopping by. It was kind of an ordeal. When I got there two days earlier, I asked for a table for two. I sat down and when the waiter came by, I said that somebody’s coming to join me and that I’d like to wait until he arrives.
I wasn’t lying. I was waiting for Obama. As soon as he walked in, I’d direct him to my table, because surely the place is going to be packed, standing room only. So I’d have the only open seat in the whole restaurant. He’d have to sit with me, right? So the waiter asked me if I’d like something to drink while I wait, and I said sure, I’ll have a glass of water.
And then the waiter said, “Listen, if you think you’re going to sit here for two days to wait for you-know-who, you’re out of your mind. It’s not going to happen.” So I ordered a Coke. That bought me maybe another fifteen minutes. When the waiter came back, insisting that I order something or leave, I asked him if they had free refills. He walked away and I assumed he went to get me another Coke.
But a manager came by and told me, “All right buddy, let’s go. Out.” So this wasn’t working out like I thought it would. I had to think, quick. So I said, “Finally, somebody to take my order. I’ve been waiting here for like half an hour. Can I get a cheeseburger? Deluxe? Waffle fries?” And the manager kind of turned around and gave that waiter a really nasty look and started to walk away. But I called out, “Wait a second!” and he stopped. I took a giant sip out of my Coke, all the way to the end, so the straw was making a really loud obnoxious slurping noise, and I held out the glass and shook the ice and said, “Can you have that waiter bring me another Coke?”
But again, this only bought me maybe an hour. I ate really slow. Like I cut up the waffle fries, cut them into individual shoestring sized fries, and then I asked for them to be reheated. Finally I had no choice but to finish everything. All of that stalling actually built up a pretty big appetite. And then the waiter came over with the check. And I said, “Wait a second, no dessert?” And I had to order a piece of pie. But I still had over a day and a half left until the President showed up.
Now the manager came back again and told me to take a hike. I told him that I wanted another cheeseburger. He looked at me and said, “OK buddy, you want to play it like that? Fine. You keep ordering, you get to stay.” I asked him if they took credit cards. He said cash only.
So finally the big moment came. The secret service guys entered first, did a huge sweep. I thought they were going to ask me a bunch of questions, but they kind of just looked here and there and then positioned themselves around the periphery of the restaurant. Next came the reporters, photographers, all lining up alongside the entrance. When their cameras started flashing, I knew this was it, the President.
And he took one step in and I knew something was wrong, because I saw his hand first, and it was white, like a white guy’s hand. So I immediately knew it wasn’t the President. But there was still a huge commotion, tons of people swarming, trying to get a closer look, and I couldn’t see the guy’s face.
The manager came back over and told me he needed my table. I explained to him the extra seat but this time he wouldn’t even listen, he just grabbed by the back of the neck and picked me up. He wasn’t taller than me, but he was a big guy, and he’d obviously done this before. So now I’m standing in the crowd with everyone else and the guy sits down and it’s definitely not the President. It’s the Vice-President. It’s Joe Biden. And he’s sitting with some secret service agent.
And I look around at the flyers on the wall and the banners draped across the ceiling and it says everywhere, “Welcome Mr. Vice-President!” How could I have missed that? I couldn’t have. Obama had to have known I was waiting there for him, to give him a piece of my mind, and so he must have made Biden go, and he must have made the owners change all of the signs and banners while I wasn’t looking.
Biden ordered an egg-salad sandwich and the secret service guy ordered a bacon cheeseburger. The secret service agent must have been paying more attention to the crowd than to the VP, because when he went to use the salt shaker, the cap fell off and his burger got covered in a whole pile of salt. Biden screamed out, “Ha! Classic Biden!” Everyone kind of laughed, and even the agent chuckled a little bit.
But then things got weird. When the agent called over the waiter to ask for a new burger, Biden got pissed, like furious, bright red faced. He stood up and started screaming at the agent, accusing him of not taking him seriously, about how he’s the Vice-President of the United States. He demanded that the agent eat that burger as is, with the salt and everything. Everybody in the diner got really quiet and finally the agent picked up his burger and took a big bite. You could tell just by the expression on this guy’s face that it must have been awful, just way too much salt.
And then Biden yelled out, “Ha! That’s the best part of the joke! It’s not just that the salt goes on the burger, but that he keeps eating it, like an idiot! Ha!” Then he pointed at the agent and screamed, “Laugh!” And the agent started a really forced laugh, and Biden continued, “Don’t stop eating! Laugh and eat at the same time! Now!” and the agent tried to do it as best as he could, but he must have gotten some food or salt down his windpipe and he started coughing. He reached for his glass of water but Biden grabbed it first and started chugging the whole thing. But Biden started laughing before he finished the whole glass and so he started choking a little himself. And the agent was still laughing like he was told to. So Biden stood up, furious, pointed at the agent and said, “Don’t you laugh at me! I’m the Vice-President of the United States of America! Who the hell do you think you are? You’re nobody!”
And I was just so tired at this point. I’d eaten like twelve burgers and hadn’t slept at all in two days. Just to see Obama. That coward. What a failure. A complete, abject failure. If there were a society of Worst Presidents in the History of All Presidencies, Obama would be President of that group. And all of the other worst Presidents would impeach him, they’d say, “Man, Obama is the worst President that this organization has ever had. Ever.”