The Review

I’m always reading reviews. Movie reviews. Restaurant reviews. Slurpee reviews. But I feel like every review is inherently limited by the very nature of what a review is supposed to be. It’s a review of this, or a review of that. Why does a review only get to review one thing at a time? Why can’t there be a review about everything?

That’s what this review is. This is the review. I’m going to review everything right now. So get ready, because it’s going to come at you really fast. And once I get started, I’m not going to stop mid review to ask you if you’re holding on all right or if I’m making sense here. Get ready. Go.

I like Star Trek. I like the future. I like spaceships. I wish I had a spaceship. But I don’t like real spaceships. I’ve never been in a real spaceship, but I’ve seen plenty of photos of spaceships that are either currently flying in space now or spaceships that are on the earth now, but that were in space at one point, and have since returned. I’ve never seen a real spaceship in real life. I’ve seen imaginary spaceships and photos of real spaceships. I’ve also seen an imaginary spaceship that was based on a real spaceship. I’m talking about that movie Apollo 13. I didn’t like Apollo 13.

I like Apollo Creed. I like Rocky IV. I didn’t like Rocky V. I don’t really like Sylvester Stallone. I’ve never really seen any of his other movies besides Rocky IV. I saw Rocky IV when I was in the third or fourth grade, and I loved it so much that I just assumed that I was a fan of the whole Rocky franchise. But then that same year I tried to watch Rocky I, or just Rocky, but I was really bored. And he loses at the end anyway, so it’s kind of a stupid if you ask me.

I like movies in general. I like good movies a lot. I don’t like bad movies. If a movie is just OK, for reviewing purposes, I like to put it in the bad movie column. It’s easier than trying to explain why a movie was just kind of all right. So I like to separate everything, not just movies, but books, Slurpees, people, into good and bad. It’s easier for me, for my reviews. I like Mountain Dew Slurpees, by the way. I don’t like Coke Slurpees. I hate the Crystal Light Slurpees.

I like Spider-Man. I don’t like Superman. I like the X-Men. I don’t like the Power Rangers. But I used to like the Power Rangers. I was in fourth grade when Power Rangers first aired in the US. It came on at 2:30 in the afternoon. My brother and I got out of school exactly at 2:30. So we used to sprint home from school immediately, always missing the first five minutes or so, but we’d catch most of it. The monsters would grow, the Power Rangers would still find a way to beat them.

One time on Power Rangers they introduced an evil green Power Ranger, named the Green Ranger. The saga was broken up into five episodes. For the finale, my brother and I ran right out of school, but this nasty teacher caught us running and scolded us for running. I didn’t like that teacher. After the scolding, she made us walk, not run, walk, all the way back to the school exit and then we could walk home. Did I mention how much I hated this teacher?

I used to like Power Rangers, until I found out that I was way too old to be watching Power Rangers. So now I don’t like Power Rangers, because, what am I, a little kid? Please. I like Nirvana. I don’t like the Foo Fighters. Nothing past their first CD anyway. I like Star Trek, I said that already, I know, and I also like Reading Rainbow, but only because on this one episode Levar Burton talked about Star Trek, and then he took the audience on a tour of the set. And also he put the visor on. So even though I was watching a boring PBS show, I felt like for a second that I was watching Star Trek.

I like breakfast. I love lunch. Dinner is the best. Dessert, well, it depends on what’s for dessert. I like ice cream. I don’t like Jell-O. I mean, maybe I’d eat it if I were starving. Scratch that, I wouldn’t eat it. Remember that whole good and bad thing I was talking about?

I like my blog. I like writing this review, because I don’t really have to think too hard about writing. I just write “I like” or “I don’t like” and then I say something random. I like you, but only if you read my blog everyday. Finally, I like this review.