Thank you, thank you, please, sit down

Nobody get up. Please. Well, since you’re already up. Thank you. I’m honored, really. Please, everybody, take a seat. Stop throwing those roses. Come on, I’m going to blush! Save the flowers. Wow, those are a lot of flowers. Everybody brought flowers? And you’re all throwing them? Did you guys all coordinate how you’d throw them, not all at once? This is like a continuous cascade. Like, if I were in your spot, and I had brought a bunch of roses, I’d start throwing them immediately. But this is amazing, like a nonstop wave of flowers, it’s beautiful.

But, all right, enough already! Please, sit down everybody. How are you all still clapping? I haven’t even noticed a break in the applause, not even with all of the roses being thrown. I would have imagined it impossible to simultaneously sustain such a prolonged round of applause while at the same time reaching for the flowers and throwing them on stage. We only have two hands, right? But this is incredible, it’s like, I haven’t noticed any change in the intensity of the clapping at all.

Seriously, where are all of these flowers coming from? I’m humbled. Really, I never dreamed, but it’s just … logistically, where did you get all of these flowers? I’m like ankle deep right now. There are only maybe two or three florists even somewhat close, did everybody call in advance or something? Hello. Yes, we’d like to order dozens upon dozens of roses. No, even more. Well call up your florist buddies from out of state and have everything trucked in.

And there aren’t even any thorns. I’ve never waded knee deep in long-stemmed roses before, but I would’ve imagined at least one thorn. You’re telling me that whatever florists prepared these flowers, they’ve managed to cut off every single thorn? And the precision in which they’re all trimmed. It’s a testament, really, to the profession. To the flowers. To you, to all of you, thank for coming out, thank you for your standing ovation, thank you for stopping the clapping, for a minute, just one second, sit down, please, can anybody even hear me over all of this applause? Or does it just look like I’m basking in the extended cheering, the whistling, and still, the roses, I’m just at a loss for words. I’m actually getting slightly uncomfortable, because I’m looking out at all of you, but I can’t even make out any individual audience members actually throwing roses. Because, from my perspective they’re all just flying right at me, and that, combined with the spotlights, which are actually a lot hotter than I would have thought, but I’m just getting glimpses of you, here and there, and I have to say all of this noise is pretty deafening.

Look, I’m happy you’re all happy for me. Trust me, I’m happy too! I’m really, really happy to be here. I’m really thrilled, honored. I’d just, this is all, well, I’m overwhelmed. I think I’m starting to have a panic attack. I’ve never found myself bombarded by such a constant wave of unusual stimuli. The applause, it doesn’t even sound like applause anymore. It’s just white noise, and it’s hurting me ears, please. Is this microphone even on? And the flowers. They’re up to my waist now. Is this ever going to stop?

What about you two? I didn’t even realize you were still standing right next to me. I had assumed you’d both leave after calling me up here. But, you’re standing right next to me? Clapping, still? Smiling? Isn’t this a little weird? Why aren’t you responding to me? Maybe the audience can’t hear me, but you’re standing right next to me. Hello? I’m pushing you. This is crazy. I have to be losing my mind. I’m probably having a stroke or something.

I’ll just read my speech and walk away. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for this award. I’m extraordinarily grateful for … ow! That one definitely had a thorn. And it went in my eye. I can’t do this. I can’t. I just, maybe I’ll just lie down here, maybe, I know it’s not a bed or rose petals, but it’s a bed of roses. The stems aren’t that much more uncomfortable. Yeah that’s nice. I think that one thorn was just an anomaly. But I’ll, I’ll just curl up right here, they have to stop clapping eventually. I mean, I’ll just wait them all out. I’ll just tear up my speech and stuff the pieces of paper into both ears, just let the roses pile up over me, blocking out the lights. I’m honored, I’m humbled, thank you again, but this is all just too much, much more than I expected, much more than anybody could have possibly prepared themselves for.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *