That’s what I’m here for man

Please, no need to thank me. Of course I didn’t mind picking you up at three in the morning. You were drinking. What were you supposed to do, drive home? Take a cab? Those taxis are such a rip-off. Not drink so much? Please, what’s the point of going out if you can’t knock a few back. I mean, I wasn’t doing anything. Which worked out perfectly, because I’m here for you man. Let me know, any time, you’re my friend.

Of course I can help you move next Saturday. I’m great at helping people move. Wait, are you asking me to come help lift large items into a truck or do you want me to swing by and actually pack? Both? Yeah, of course that’s fine. That’s why people call me up when they’re moving, because I’m great at it. The best. Of course I have extra boxes and tape. And if we need more I know exactly where we can get some. Sure, yeah, I guess I can just swing by on my way over and pick up some more. Because, yeah, you’re right, it’ll be much easier if I just go myself and save you a trip. Because, please, you’re moving. Moving sucks. You’ve got a lot on your plate, a huge headache.

Yeah let’s totally get together this Friday. Yeah that’s a great idea, let’s all meet up at my place. Yeah I have a ton of leftover beer from last time. I mean, I don’t have as much as I did last time, because we all drank a lot of it, but there is definitely some left over. I could just pick up some more. You guys will throw me a couple of bucks, right? Right, I remember you telling me about that cleaning service last time, but it just seems so expensive. Especially because it’s just us hanging out. Well, how many other people were you thinking of inviting? Well, wouldn’t we need a lot more beer than last time for that type of a party? Yeah, you’re right, I’m sure everybody will bring something, and … no, when you compare it like that, the number of people coming to how much the cleaning service costs, I guess it’s not that bad.

You need a guarantor for your new apartment? I don’t know man, that sounds like a lot of commitment. No, I know you’re good for your rent. But I just feel a little uncomfortable signing my name onto something like that. Because what if you lose your job? No, I know you’re doing OK. I’m not trying to say that … what about your parents, could they sign? They said no? Why? Well, I mean, it kind of matters a little why, to me, especially because you’re asking me to put my finances on the line. Right? And if your parents said no I should at least know why they said no.

Because, I don’t know, I have my own expenses to worry about. Well, yeah, I guess I could lend you five hundred bucks. Yeah, no, I really don’t want to cosign on your apartment. Fine, fine I’ll commit to the five hundred. But you’re good for it, right? Like how long until you’ll be able to get it back to me? Well, when is your cousin supposed to be in touch with you? Well, when is this guy’s company supposed to get up and running? Full-time associate you say? Yeah, that does sound pretty legit. Still, I’d feel more comfortable if … no, you’re right, none of us can accurately predict the future. It’s just that …

Why would you need my social security number? Can’t I just give you five hundred cash? Well then can’t I just fill out the paperwork and send it in myself? I’ve never heard of any bank that insists on anybody personally handing in all of this information, especially for such a small loan. Can I come with you at least? Maybe talk to the banker? Why not? What do you mean not technically a bank? This is all getting to be a little more than I’m really comfortable with.

Yeah I have a Zip Car. No you can’t use it. What do you mean you already used it? Did you return it? No, you have to return it as soon as you’re done with it. They charge by the hour. Because they don’t know if it’s available to rent again unless you tell them. Two days ago. You just took the card out of my wallet. Listen, I know you’re moving, but you can rent a U-Haul for a whole day for like significantly less than what it costs for me to rent a Prius by the hour. Wait a second, please don’t tell me you tried to get furniture in that thing. Jesus. Of course they’re going to be able to link it back to me.

No, yeah, no you’re right. Yeah, I’d do it for you I guess. Just, just let me know next time. Yeah, I’ll still sign. I mean, we’re friends, right? Just, just next time you all go out drinking, just give me a call, I’m always down. No, I won’t even drink. I’ll still be good to be your DD. I know a lot of times I’m sleeping when it’s that late, but only because I don’t have anything to do, so if you call me, I’ll be up and out. Yeah, totally, and no, I really appreciate you not wanting to disturb me, but we’re bros, right? Yeah, you’re not disturbing me, you’re not imposing at all. I mean, what are friends for?