I’m going to get to the bottom of this

Listen, I understand most of you are upset about what went down last week. And while I’ve already offered my sincerest of apologies – they were sincere, I wasn’t being sarcastic, I was just smiling to be friendly – I get now that words alone won’t be enough to make up for what I did, for what I said, for all of those garbage cans thrown down the street. But I’m kind of not sorry, because most of what happened wasn’t my fault, didn’t have anything to do with me at all. Seriously. Which is why I’m announcing a full investigation into what really happened that night.

Fine, yeah, I see where you’re coming from, how my heading the full investigation might be some sort of a conflict of interest. But I was just kidding. I wasn’t really going to investigate myself. No, because I’d just close the case and say, nothing to see here folks. I’m kidding. That was supposed to be a joke, funny. But I’m actually serious here. Which is why I’m announcing right here that I’m naming a five-person committee to select the person who’s going to be in charge of leading the charge into finding out all of those missing details of that crazy night a week ago, like just who ordered thirty-five pizzas to Andre’s house in the middle of the night, the same night he was with his mom in the hospital, the same night he left his phone in his car, or so he says, so he claims, like, what, somebody took the phone out of his car? And the pizza place has his number on record as having ordered those pies? And that’s why they refuse to let him off the hook, even though the hospital logbook shows him as being upstairs with his mom the whole night? This, and all other questions, they’re all going to be sorted out. All of these details. And more details. We’re going to get to the bottom of this.

Well, who else would get to pick who gets to be on the five-person committee? Not even three of them? Two? Couldn’t anybody have an ulterior motive? Yes, I suppose I could have a clear motive, but so could anybody else. So could Andre. Really? They’re burying her tomorrow? So he’s not going to be picking anybody. No, what we really need here is a task force. One task force with one task: to quickly and efficiently select five honorable people who will then get together and choose one even more honorable person to lead this investigation. I’d like to add, also, that once this investigation is underway, and yes, I understand that I shouldn’t be talking about matters under investigation, or matter about to be under investigation, or, you shouldn’t be bringing up topics currently in the process of being about to be under investigation, I’d like to point out that, I didn’t do anything here, I’m just throwing that out here, again, that it would take some sort of a sociopath to pour an entire gallon of spoiled milk into a new gallon container and then put it back in the fridge. And come on, wouldn’t you expect the overwhelming smell of putrid milk to be an obvious enough clue that somebody had pranked your refrigerator?

Yes, true, all entirely beside the point. No, that’s what I mean, irrelevant. No, right, I mean we’ll wait for the investigation. Can’t we just have Bill lead the investigation? I mean, I know he’s one of my good friends, but why do you think we’re so tight? I only pick friends that give it to me straight, that aren’t ever afraid to tell it to me how it really is. Just pick Bill. Yeah he owes me a bunch of money, but that would give him even more of a motive to look for some really incriminating evidence against me, so that way he’d be able to hold it up in front of my face behind closed doors and try to extract from me some blackmail. No I would never pay any blackmail. No, there’s nothing that Bill would ever find anyway. But he would if there were. Come on.

Fine, you know how we’ll get to the bottom of this? I’m officially commissioning a joint case study. We’re all way out of our league here. I think we need to consult with some professionals, people who’ve been through this before, taskforces, investigations, committees. We’ve got to do it and we’ve got to do it right, not just for me. No, I meant not just for Andre, but for me. And for Bill also. He’s been feeling really left out lately guys. I just … yeah, he is a little slow. Well just don’t let him get up in your face like that. Well just get out of there when you see him clearly that agitated. I’m just saying that maybe he wouldn’t get so upset if we let him head an investigation every now and then. Well I feel bad for him. It’s obvious he needs a solid group of friends. No I didn’t bring him in here to intimidate everybody. But yeah, he is kind of intimidating, right? That constantly clenched jaw. Maybe he threw those garbage cans down the street. You ever see him lift stuff up? Just imagine him, picking up a can, full of trash, and spinning it around like four or five times before launching it any direction. Guys, I mean, put me in charge of the investigation. I’m pretty sure it was Bill.