A message from my corporate sponsors

Folks, I’ve decided to monetize this whole blogging experience, and so I’ve agreed to start lacing my writing with product placements. Not to worry though, I’m such a talented writer that I can assure you the built-in advertisements will blend in seamlessly with my award-winning prose. It’s like you won’t even know you’re being marketed to. Like when you’re eating a delicious bowl of Kashi breakfast cereal, you’re thinking to yourself, I can’t believe how smoothly our friends at Kashi have combined great taste with all of these all natural ingredients. Talk about getting your day off to a great start. Vitamins, minerals, all of the good complex carbs and proteins. That’s what you need to fuel your day. Or lunch. There’s nothing wrong with having cereal for lunch. Or even dinner. You’re hungry, you’re hungry. Kashi’s a great choice any time of the day.

That’s what this new approach is going to be like. You’ll say to yourself, wow, I just read a whole piece and I couldn’t even tell I was being sold on something. Obviously the blue highlighted hyperlinks might stand out somewhat, but just try not to think about them. Just read my blog posts for the same entertainment that you know you’re always guaranteed to experience. Just like when you watch House of Cards on Netflix. You’re not thinking about streaming video or what device you’re watching it on. You’re thinking to yourself, how have I lived my life so far without watching this groundbreaking new show? Compelling drama. Gripping narrative. Like it grips your imagination. Like Goodyear Tires grip the road, regardless of the terrain, rain or shine, you know your vehicle is in good hands.

Invariably there are going to be some people not happy with this new arrangement. They’ll call me a sell out. They’ll accuse me of promoting products and services that maybe I don’t even really like, that maybe I’m just bowing to corporate pressure, to increase traffic to a particular web site, or to draw attention to a paying sponsor. But that’s not what I’ve ever been about, and that’s not what I’m ever about to be about. It’s about delivering quality content to you, the reader. It’s about uncompromising values, about standards. It’s like TD Ameritrade, when they put together a portfolio of investments, you know they’re not sacrificing quality over profit. Just like Tommy Lee Jones and that guy from Law and Order tell you on the commercials: you’re putting your money somewhere you can trust, with people you can count on.

It’s about me writing new and fresh content, it’s about me not making the same joke over and over again, paragraph after paragraph, highlighting some random company, pretending they’re my corporate patron, making a generic sounding complement about them, and then linking to them. You’re gong to enjoy what you read here. Like you enjoy Coke. I love Coke. And Mountain Dew. I love Mountain Dew also. See? That’s different. Coke and Mountain Dew are clearly owned by two separate companies, and so they both wouldn’t pay to advertise on the same site, in the same paragraph. One of those is a paid shout-out, one of them my own opinion. See I can have it both ways. I can still write and have a voice and …

Hold on, I just got an email. I was wrong. I don’t like Mountain Dew at all. It’s gross. Too much sugar. And remember that whole thing about yellow number five? Doesn’t it decrease your sperm count?

Wait a second, another email. I actually had that mixed up. Coke is the problem here. Those bunch of fascists. Mountain Dew has always been one of my favorite soft drinks. And the sperm count thing? Yellow five actually increases your sperm count. Helping America, helping the next generation. Mountain Dew.

Readers, I guarantee that you’ll still be entertained every day. And if you get pointed to some quality products in the meantime? That sounds like a win-win to me. Like those big cans of Arizona green tea. The first win is that it’s only ninety-nine cents. The second win is after you take your first sip and realize just how delicious and refreshing your beverage is. The third win, so yeah, it’s actually a win-win-win, is when you finish that last sip, still want more, but realize that, because it’s so cheap, you can keep buying them and drinking them without pause. A true win-win-win.

And that’s what I’m going to offer. I thank you for your continued support, and look forward to offering only the finest of endorsements. Also, I’m thinking of paying some marketing firm to pay other blogs to mention my blog in their blog posts. Does that sound like a good idea? You think it might boost traffic? Let me know. Let’s go viral. Let’s get this going viral.

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