Anybody moving? Need any help?

I love helping people move. Every once in a while I’ll write something on Facebook, like, “Anybody moving? You need any help? Call me up!” usually around springtime, when everybody decides to get out, to try life out in a new neighborhood. For a lot of people, nothing’s worse than packing everything they own into boxes, disassembling all of their furniture, and then spending a whole day moving all of those boxes and furniture pieces down several flights of stairs, out onto the sidewalk, into a big truck or a large van, you know where I’m going with this, driving to their new place, unpacking, unmoving, or I guess just moving, but the second part of the move. It’s terrible. It’s a whole day off from work of just unforgiving manual labor.

So yeah, I don’t particularly enjoy it either. But I love volunteering to help people move. Think about it. Everybody needs help moving. And everybody hates it. It’s the one thing in life, the one giant chore that you set out to do, you realize that it’s all but impossible to do alone, and then you go onto craigslist to look into maybe hiring some movers, and then you’re like, Jesus, that’s going to be so much money. I don’t have that kind of cash.

Why do I love moving then? The power. Doing a huge favor like that might seem like a nice gesture on my part, but on the contrary, I’m only doing it to someday hold it over somebody else’s head. And since moving is such a big chore – I’m giving up my weekend here! – I’ll be in a position to hold it over some heads for a long time.

One obvious benefit is that I’ll never have any trouble moving myself. I’ve already helped like ten of my friends move in the past year. So whenever I decide to get a new apartment or change houses, I can call five of them up and still have a five-person favor surplus. And probably more, because if five people show up to help me move, they’re only going to be doing like one fifth of the work that I did when I was the only one to show up to help. Maybe somebody else came, I don’t know. It’s never five people.

But I don’t plan on moving anytime soon. And so I can continuously call on ten people to return small favors for me almost indefinitely. Think about it, I’ll help you move. I’ll spend all day at your old place and then at your new place. When we’re all done, how about we head out to a bar? Maybe you can buy me a beer.

But that’s just the start. Maybe I’ll need some dry cleaning picked up next Friday. Maybe I need someone to hang out at my house while I’m at work to wait for a package to arrive. Maybe I need five bucks. Maybe I want a bite of your sandwich. What are you going to say no? I gave up a whole weekend to help you move. Come on. Hand it over. Just cut it in half.

And the great thing about these small tiny favors, they’re like an almost indefinite supply. Are you really going to tell me after giving me half a sandwich and buying me a drink that we’re even? Ha! Make sure you get extra mayo on the next one, that bite was a little dry.

Even better, if I ever do decide to move, even if I have been calling on you for favors for the past few months, who do you think I’m going to call to help me out? You. And what are you going to say, no? “Sorry Rob, I’m not going to help you out, even though you helped me out, because you’ve been asking a lot of small requests lately.” Nope. I helped you, you help me. And after you’re done setting that last box down over there in the corner, I’ll be like, “Here man, have a beer. Cheers,” clink, “we’re even.”

The absolute best part, and I’m almost reluctant to even admit this here, it’s almost like a trade secret, but when I’m helping you move, I’m going to act like such a spaz. Knocking into stuff. Almost dropping your lamp. Maybe even dropping your lamp, I don’t know. So I’ll be helping you, yeah, but you’re not going to rely on me to do any of the super heavy lifting. And I’m going to be taking it real slow, like, seriously, do you think this is a priority of mine? Making sure this moving job is done like it’s my stuff?

Having said all of this, seriously, hit me up if you need help moving. You’re probably saying to yourself, “Is this guy nuts? After revealing his true intentions for everybody to read, he thinks I’m going to ask him to help me move?” And the answer is, of course you are. Look around your place. Your couch. Your bed. All of that stuff on your shelves. You’re going to tackle all of that by yourself? You’re really going to say no to an extra pair of hands. Of course you won’t. Because moving sucks. And even though we both know you’re going to owe me big, you’re definitely going to call me up.

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