I’d just hate to trouble you

I really must be going. I … I left my fridge … unattended. I mean, it’s my dog, he really needs a walk. And, please, I wouldn’t want to put you through any more trouble. It’s just that, I’m unused to such hospitality. No, I loved the appetizers. I felt bad eating any more than I’ve already eaten. You see, I … my grandmother is Norwegian, and she instilled upon me at a very early age how important it is to never go over someone else’s house and eat a lot of appetizers. I know, I know, it really doesn’t apply here. It’s just that, you know, it’s in my DNA now, it’s like a reflex. Please, OK, I’ll have one more appetizer. See? Mmm. That’s a good appetizer. What is this, salami? Mortadella? I can never really tell the difference between all of those cured meats.

No, I don’t want your son to walk to my house to take my dog out. That’s crazy. I mean, it’s a very nice offer. I just … how could I accept such generosity? And what if your son gets kidnapped on the way over? It’s too late for such a little guy to be out walking around by himself. Sure, yeah things were different when we were little kids. There’s like a lot more predators out there than there were back then. A lot of wackos. Plus, my dog, he’s not good with kids. And I don’t think he’s had his shots. I mean, I don’t think he’s rabid or anything, I hope not. It’s just that, I got one of those cards from the vet last week, I think he’s like a month or two overdo. And you know, better safe than sorry, imagining your son were to make it to my house without getting abducted. Look, I’m just saying, there’s a lot of potential for danger, and I couldn’t live with all of that guilt, not on my account, not after you’ve gone through such trouble here, what a lovely spread. What delicious sopressata.

You’re sister-in-law is a vet? That’s terribly nice of you to recommend her services but … no … please, Jerry, put down the phone. No, look I have a vet. I’m very happy. Well my vet’s a family friend also, or a friend of the family, a different friend, but yeah, come on, put down the phone, don’t bother your sister-in-law. What is she going to just drop what she’s doing and do a vaccination house call? That’s … it’s wildly unnecessary. You know what? Here, give me another one of those … mmm … I’ll just walk him a little later. Yeah, he’s good. Please, tell your son to take off his coat. Hey buddy, look, my house is locked. You’re seriously, you’re unbelievably kind, and it’s not that I don’t appreciate your going out of your way for me it’s just. It’s just … it’s my brother. He’s … he’s having a bit of legal trouble. I hate to bore you with any details. Let’s just say he’s hiding out for a little bit. In fact, I think I better check up on him. I was supposed to make sure he took his medication.

It’s just, he’s terrible with dogs. I have to keep them in separate rooms. And besides, if Junior were to knock on the window and scare my brother. He’s very easily startled. There’s no telling what would happen. You know, with the legal troubles and all. I’ve said too much. Which is why I hope you can understand, I can’t stay for dinner. I really … I’m so happy that you think so highly of me, but I was really just here to pick up these papers. I’m glad you had them on you. So I’ll just get them back to you tomorrow at the office, all right? Please. No, yes … no you’re brother doesn’t work for the DA’s office, does he? Oh yeah, I do remember you saying something. No, Jerry, put the phone down. Come on. All right, OK, I’ll stay. I’ll stay, yeah. OK. But I’ve got to get home and get to these papers. You know how it is, right? Jerry, no thanks, I can’t eat any more prosciutto. It’s not … no, I love it. It’s just so salty. I can’t even feel my lips anymore man.

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