Let’s talk about investments

I need to find some investors. Do you want to be my investor? Don’t you think that I’m worth investing in, worth the investment? Look at all that I’ve done so far. Look at everything I’ve created. Like this sentence that you’re currently reading. Nobody invested in that sentence. And look. It’s there. It’s on the Internet. Imagine what that sentence would have looked like with some serious financing, some real cash.

How about starting with just one dollar? Or, wait a second, that was probably a lowball. Or a highball. What’s the one that you get at a bar? I’m not that skilled in the art of negotiation. Let’s try it again: you give me one hundred dollars. A day. Consider it an investment. Consider it a tax deductable donation. Just consider it. I’m not an accountant. I can provide you with a tax deductible certificate if you want. Sure, I can do one right now:

This certificate hereby states that (your name here) donated one hundred dollars every day for the entire 2013 fiscal year. Please do not tax (your name again) for any of said dollars. Additionally, give him a few extra dollars on his return, because in supporting me, (you) is supporting the public good.

Although, and again, I’d like to stress that I’m not an accountant, regardless of how official that certificate sounded, (like did you like that part about “said” dollars?) But just try it. Use TurboTax. In fact, change 2013 to 2012, if you haven’t already filed your taxes, and see if you can’t get away with claiming a return for right now. It’ll work. Just click on that “audit protection” button. I think it’s only a minor charge, totally inconsequential considering all of that money you’ll be saving on those pre-tax donations.

“Now just hold on a second Rob,” I can imagine you protesting, “A hundred dollars a day? Listen, I can get behind one dollar a day,” because that’s not too much to ask, one dollar, right? “But one hundred dollars a day? I just can’t afford that type of philanthropy.”

Which is why I say, not to worry, we’ll just tell them it’s a hundred dollars a day. You get a huge refund, you use part of that refund check to donate more toward me. Didn’t I say that this was an investment? Invest in me, seriously, because one, I don’t think that the IRS audits every single taxpayer. That would be impossible. Even with TurboTax. And did I mention the audit protection button? Come on.

One time I tried playing the stock market, tried my hand at running my own investments. I watched one episode of Mad Money. I can still remember his advice, “Buy Staples stock! Everybody needs office supplies! Yeehaw!” or something like that. I bought it. Nothing happened. I sold it. Nothing happened. I did that a few other times with a few other companies. Finally I wound up with like ten shares of Apple stock. It went down like ten bucks. I got out. A week later the iPhone came out. It went up hundreds of dollars.

Every time I think about that, I write up a little note. It says something like, “Sell Apple!” and then I print it out. And then I eat it, so you know, I’m like eating my words, but literally. The kicker? I filed my taxes and got a huge refund, but then maybe three months later the IRS sends me a letter. It says, and I’m paraphrasing here, hey asshole, guess who forgot to pay capital gains taxes on all of that trading? You!

And I was like, gains? What gains? I tried to protest, but I never wrote down at what price I bought which stock, and I tried calling somebody up at the trading desk, but I used one of those cheap-o online trading things, minimum cost, minimum customer support, and the IRS finally just took the money right out of my bank account. I knew I should have done that audit protection on TurboTax that year, but the power of buying and selling, it was corrupting me at a subatomic level, I was like, “I don’t have to answer to anybody! I’m in the money business now!”

So now I’m on the other end. Look at what you’ve just read. Here it is. I mean, there it was. You read it. Invest in it, in this, and other stuff like this. I’m a good investment. Just one dollar a day, or a lump one hundred dollar sum, or even a dollar, come on, I’ve got the certificates, you’ve got the cash, let’s invest, in each other, in me.

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