Why I’m running for Mayor of New York City

Citizens of New York. It’s with great pride that I announce my candidacy for Mayor. Of New York. New York City. I know I’ve talked about this before, but this time I’m serious. I’m as of right now, officially in the race. Almost. I need a campaign team. Somebody who’s good with election stuff. Like rules, and how to get on the ballot. You can’t just say, “I’m running for Mayor,” and then it just shows up. No, you’ve got to do forms and stuff. Right?

I guess you could win as write-in candidate, and that way we won’t have to bother with any forms at all. I’ll leave it to my chief-of-staff. As soon as I hire a chief-of-staff. And then I’ll have that person hire the rest of the team. So I really just need a solid chief-of-staff. Ooh, and a t-shirt guy. I don’t want boring campaign t-shirts. I want like, really cool shirts, like something funny maybe, not funny in-your-face funny, but like clever funny.

I know it’s an already crowded field, but I plan on using that to my advantage. I’m going to stand back and watch them all pummel each other trying to get their party’s nomination. Then it’ll just be a Republican, a Democrat, and then me. My last name starts with G., right in the middle of the alphabet. Well, near the middle. It’s definitely closer than F, much closer than B. So I’m counting on the statistics working in my favor, making my name smack in the middle of the ballot.

It’ll be eye level. And as New Yorkers head to the polls, they’ll be like, “Man, I’m so sick of these two bozos, the same old machine party politics. If only there were an alternative!” and just as the voter thinks this thought, they’ll look up, like I said, Rob G., independent, right in the middle.

And that voter might think, “Well, I’ve never heard of this Rob G. before.” That’s what they’ll think anyway. But they won’t even realize that they’re already wearing my campaign t-shirt. (Note to self: find t-shirt guy. Ask about bulk discounts.) Because the design is going to be so subtle, so hip, it’s going to transcend your regular sending-a-message t-shirt. No, it’s going to be like a joke, but with so many layers, and hidden layers, and it’s all going to be based off of an inside joke that only a couple of people know about, and so one day that couple of people will be wearing them out, laughing to themselves about the joke, everyone else will get so jealous, so they’ll start wearing the shirts also. And then it’ll get bigger and bigger until, “Congratulations Mayor Rob G.” is the headline of every single New York City newspaper. Hell, maybe some other city’s papers will run it too. I don’t know, like Baltimore, or Cleveland.

And then I’ll pull a reverse Bloomberg. After winning as an independent, I’ll announce that I’m actually going to align myself with a party. “Which one will it be? Democrat? Republican?” That’ll also be the headline on every NYC paper. And then I’ll write my own op-ed, and the headline for that will be, “Which one of you political parties wants it more?” And I’ll stand back and watch them as they both clamor for my allegiance.

There’s going to be a lot of fake outs. Like one day I might pay a visit to the local Democratic Party offices. The press will get a few shots, anonymous sources might start leaking tips. But really I’ll just be making waves. I’ll go inside and be like, “Do you guys mind if I use your bathroom?” just nonsensical type visits. Or maybe I’ll start wearing solid red ties, every single day. And the newspaper analyst will be like, “Well you see, he’s definitely sending a message here. This is a politically-charged fashion statement.” But as soon as that story gets big, I’ll switch up the ties, like solid green, or half-red half-blue, or maybe a novelty tie, something your high school art teacher might wear, something weird, like ketchup and mustard bottles, I don’t know.

Maybe I’ll never pick a side. I’ll just keep teasing the idea, like, “Soon, I’m still thinking, I’m definitely going to pick a side soon.” And then on the last day of my third term I’ll call a huge press conference, and I’ll say, “Fellow New Yorkers. I think I’m going to stay an independent. Thank you for your support as I’ve explored and considered all sides of the political spectrum.” Maybe. That’s just one possibility. Maybe I’ll make my own political party.

Anyway, let’s do this New York. Like I said, I really need a campaign team. College students? What about an (unpaid) internship? Huh? You like filling out papers? Do you? You want to come work at City Hall (still as an intern?) Come on, vote for me and I’ll get Lin back on the Knicks. Vote for me and I’ll double the size of all sodas. Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it. Let’s do it. Vote for me.