Carpe diem, baby

Go out there and get them. Or get ‘em, I guess. Take the world by storm. Today is your day, so go out and seize it, carpe diem baby, hasta la vista. Make no mistake about it, this is your chance, your opportunity to grab this life by the balls, to sneak up on life from behind with a gun, to point that gun at its head and say, “Don’t move, life, just hand it over.” And then you take it and run.

Don’t send out any resumes. Just show up for work. Find out where you want to be employed, walk straight into that building (it’s got to be early in the day) find out which office is the boss’s office, then march right in there and lock the door behind you. Start going through all of the files, any papers lying around the desk, familiarize yourself with everything, the numbers, the business, and that way when that boss comes to work, when he tries to open the door, but it’s locked, when his keys don’t work because you put a bunch of chewed up gum in the keyhole, (put a bunch of chewed up gum in the keyhole) when he starts acting like a baby and going down to security and demanding that they break down the door, when they finally get it open, look up from your desk, from your papers, pretend like you’re on an important call, no, call up somebody, make that really important call a reality, put your hand over the receiver and act very annoyed and say something like, “What the hell is all of this commotion? Why are you in my office? Security, get rid of this clown! And where’s my secretary? Janice! Get me somebody to clean all of this chewed up gum out of my doorknob!”

And then the boss will probably start screaming, getting all pissed off like, “Me get out of your office? Security!” but by this point you’ll have already made your case, you’ll have seized the day – carpe diem baby! – you’ll sound in charge, you’ll be acting in charge, and look at this boss, standing there like an idiot with his jaw to the floor, “Me get out of your office?” he might repeat to himself, at which point the security guard might also be a little confused, so take advantage of this moment, this opportunity, stand up halfway out of your chair and scream, “Security! Are you going to get rid of this bozo or am I going to have to hire a new security guard to throw the both of you out of my office? and he’ll stammer something like, “Y-y-yes sir, right away sir,” grabbing the real boss by his neck and throwing him, in fact, out of his own office, out of his own building.

Then just fucking own it. As soon as that’s taken care of, get up, slam the door behind you (chew more gum, shove it even further in there) announce loudly to your secretary without looking him or her in the eye, or even so much as facing his or her direction, “Hold all of my calls. I’m taking a long lunch.” Then kind of turn halfway, still not facing anybody in particular, and say, “Somebody give me a company credit card, I lost mine,” count to three, and then scream, “Now!”

Look at that, you seized that day, you just got that job, a promotion even, and an extended lunch break, all rolled into one mega opportunity. Now you have to seize this lunch break, carpe the corporate credit card. Go to a steak place. Walk right in. Pause at the hostess stand, like you’re considering it, the craziness of it all, you, the boss of your own company, like you’re going to stand around like an idiot and have some hostess tell you where to sit, wait for her to open her mouth to say hi. As soon as she makes a sound, march right past her and sit yourself at the biggest table.

When somebody comes over asking you to move to a smaller table, start ordering steaks, medium rare, ten steaks, order some iced teas, keep saying “Extra lemon, extra lemon,” over and over again, when the iced tea comes out, it doesn’t matter how many lemons they give you, ask for even more, tell them you want slices of lemon with absolutely no seeds, not even one seed, and then don’t even touch those lemons, put them on the tablecloth so as to display the fact that you haven’t even considered using them, and come on, iced tea? Don’t drink that iced tea. Ask for a Diet Coke. When they bring it over, knock it to the floor and ask for a regular Coke. When the steaks come, take a bite out of each one, chew half, spit the other half out, send them all back, only leave a seven percent tip, scream at that hostess on your way out that this is no way to run a business, that this is no way to treat your guests, and how dare you look at me like that! You should be ashamed of yourself! Carpe diem baby!

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