Castaway is easily the worst movie of all time

Remember the part in that movie Castaway where it takes Tom Hanks something like five days to get that fire going? Talk about baloney. You give me two sticks and twenty minutes and I’ll give you a roaring fire in just five minutes. And then I’ll use those other fifteen minutes to really start enjoying myself. So by the time you come up to me when those twenty minutes are over, you’ll see the fire, you’ll see me fully relaxed, and you’ll be like, “Rob, how long did it take you to get this fire going? Because it looks like you’ve been relaxing for at least fifteen minutes.”

castaway

Or that part where he catches the crab and kills it, and then he just cracks it open, uncooked, and lets all of that raw crab stuff ooze all out of the shell? I’m calling hogwash on that also. First of all, everybody knows that you have to cook crab. And didn’t he already have the fire going at this point? How hard would it have been to at least heat it up a little? Secondly, it took that guy way too long to catch one crab. And what does he do as soon as he catches it? He destroys it. Me, I would have captured it, made a little crab house, lured in another crab of the opposite sex, and I would’ve started a little crab farm. It’s something about giving a man a crab for a day or teaching him how to eat crabs for a lifetime. Jesus used to say stuff like that all the time.

You know what else bugged me about Castaway? His beard should have been much longer. If you told me not to shave for four years, I’d be more facial hair than man after just two. But Tom Hanks’s mustache wasn’t even really in the way of his upper lip. Not much. One time I tried to grow a beard and that’s exactly the type of unexpected growth I wasn’t prepared for, the upper lip. It was getting in the way of my eating, always picking up a little mayonnaise from every bite of sandwich, stuff like that.

And the volleyball, come on. I would have been playing with that volleyball, not turning it into an imaginary best friend. Think of how boring every day must have been. I would have found some wall and tried to see how many times I could bounce it off the wall without it hitting the ground. But Hanks didn’t do anything. Oh yeah, I guess he learned how to paint, like he cave painted that painting of Helen Hunt on the wall of his bedroom. Or bedcave. Caveroom, whatever. But again, that’s probably a little unrealistic also. Where were all of his practice paintings? There’s no way you go from being an illustration novice to all of the sudden busting out photorealistic Helen Hunts. It’s just not plausible. Maybe they could have added some obvious flaws, just for narrative’s sake.

Four years sounds like a long time, but Helen Hunt seemed to have moved on pretty quickly. I get it, you’re lonely, you don’t want to wallow in your own misery for forever, but let’s just assume four months maybe hoping they’d find something. Another two months coming to terms with the likelihood that he died, people saying, “Helen, you have to move on. You’ve got to meet someone else.” Best case scenario, you go on a few blind dates, set some stuff up on an Internet site, you meet someone, there’s an awkward adult going-out phase, dating, moving in together. And then an engagement, a marriage. What I’m getting at here is, by the time Tom Hanks comes back, Helen Hunt already has a new husband and like two kids. It just seems very rushed, like she would had to have hit the ground running maybe two weeks after the plane went down.

Finally, I’m calling bullshit on Tom Hanks not opening up that final package. The man figured out how to make a boat out of a port-a-potty door. You’re telling me he never figured out how to open and then reseal a stupid box? This man worked for FedEx. He could have probably set those boxes up in his sleep. Look, I understand, something to live for, that one delivery. But I would have been thinking, antibiotics? Maybe something potentially lifesaving? Maybe a zippo lighter? Of course he opened that box up. It probably turned out to be nothing, like a decorative scarf, something useless. And then he’s dropping it off at the end, like, here you go miss. Again, bullshit.

In conclusion, I hate to say that Castaway just isn’t very realistic. And I haven’t even gotten into how unlikely it would have been for him to survive that plane crash in the first place. I’m totally not buying it.

4 thoughts on “Castaway is easily the worst movie of all time

  1. The Crab that got killed

    All yall above comments who say negative shit about this review are just baboon following, moronic morons that eat there own shit and poop it out then eat it again.

    I agree with the post, especially the part helen hunts character just moved on fast.

    Let’s go over it in a bit more detail, because this shit really annoyed me.

    Let’s first play it out, how it SHOULD have gone..

    – Griefs over Jack’s death, for a good 1-2 years.
    – Slowly gets over death and goes out with friends again, takes her a good 6 months to finally stop thinking about death
    (we’re at 2 1/2 years now)
    – Meets a guy that friends introduce her too, gets to know him but wants to move it slowly… because of Jacks “death” will take her another good 6 months before she even can kiss him I reckon
    (we’re at 3 years now)
    – Finally the following year at 2-3 months in she will let him make a move, but be upset about it because she still has feelings for Jack.
    – Around mid year, she slowly lets herself go to this new guy finally thinking she has moved on
    – at the end of the year during new years she finally sleeps with this new guy, allowing herself to totally let go of Jack
    (we’re at 4 years now)
    – Now that they’re finally comfortable and the love is growing they start talking about more serious things, moving in with one an another, around the 6 month period of the following year they do that
    (we’re at 4 1/2 years now)
    – Slowly after moving in they talk about marriage seeing as they’re comfortable with each other. They plan the wedding date but really put A LOT of effort into it and decide it should be the following year just so that things can take awhile to adjust.
    (we’re at 5 1/2 years now)
    – Eventually after getting married on her first night being married she gets knocked up
    – 1 year later(9 months, but I’ll say 1 year for the sake of it) they have a kid.
    (we’re at 6 1/2 years now)
    – the child grows up a bit, like we see in the movie, where we see her with the dad
    (we’re at 7 years now)

    Voila there we go.. 7 years, and this bitch did it in 4.. Damn those 3 years…
    And I’m just going all out here on what MAYBE she should of done, I mean heck some people might even take 7 years to let go, Certainly something I would take, maybe 5 to be honest, 5’s a long time and just enough, but the way the movie sounds:

    – She finds out of his death
    – 1 month later finds another guy, instantly falls in love with him, has a child and moves into a new house Within that year.

    YOU GO GIRL!

    but hey, that’s just my opinion I mean for me personally.. I reckon she should of done that much earlier, I mean why wait 4 years to have 1-2 kids move into a new home with a guy you’ve just met and married him?
    I mean heck why not just do it in 1 month, would of hurt Jack just the same.

    Reply
  2. Wilson

    Cast Away stinks. First of all, the movie is one boring commercial for FedEx. Tom Hanks is the package that got lost, but he eventually reaches his destination. That alone pissed me off within the first 10 minutes of the movie, which nobody seemed to mind the whole movie was product placement for FedEx. Tom Hanks’ “look at me act for three hours!” was tiresome. I was sick of looking at him and wished I had a volleyball to deflate and use as a pillow in the movie theater. Shitty performance, boring movie that made a ton of dough that made me hate Tom Hanks and Bob Zemeckis. Fuck them.

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