But just like that outdated cell phone, you still need Facebook. Just because it hasn’t given you a thrill in years doesn’t mean you’re just going to kick it to the curb. Do you stop using your microwave once it loses its new car smell? No, and I guarantee that most people reading this article have an active Facebook tab opened just a few clicks away.
I’m not for or against Facebook. At this point Facebook just is. It’s there, neatly tucked away into the background fabric of our lives. Just like that microwave I was talking about earlier. But there are some instances in which actually going ahead and deleting your account might be your best option:
1. If someone threatens you
I’m talking like a serious threat here. Imagine the very unlikely yet theoretically plausible scenario in which you’re walking down the street, minding your own business, when suddenly a hooded figure pops out of the shadows and points a gun to your head. He’s also holding a computer. “You! Delete your Facebook account right now or I’ll shoot!” he screams starts screaming at you, very loudly, like little pieces of spittle are flying at your face. You can’t tell what his angle is, but it’s apparent that he’s crazy, and pissed.
Look, if you ever find yourself caught up in something like this, just do what he says, delete your account. OK, it’s not worth your life. And while no, there’s no guaranteeing that complying with his demands is going to make the threat go away, just stop thinking about it, all right, he’s got a gun, you don’t have options. Just try to stay calm enough to navigate the many confirmation windows you’re going to have click on to verify that, yes, you really do want to delete your Facebook account.
2. If someone pays you
Again, the chances of what I’m about to propose here are indeed very slim, but just say for a second that you wind up making friends with someone who turns out to be rich. I’m talking like really rich, super rich. And after hanging out with him a few times, he says to you, “You know what? I’ve decided to share some of my fortune with you. I’d like to give you ten million dollars.” And you don’t know what to say.
Ten million dollars? That’s a lot of dollars. More dollars than you can even begin to dream up what to do with. Because you don’t have time to think about it, the offer happened so fast, and so out of nowhere. “There’s only one catch,” he tells you, and right away reality slaps you in the face. Of course there’s a catch. There’s always a catch. “I want you to delete your Facebook account.” And you’re like, “That’s it? Why?” He says, “Yes, that’s it, and it doesn’t matter why. Do you want the money or not?” It is a little weird that this random millionaire wants to shower you in riches just so you’ll remove yourself from a social network, but come on, ten million dollars. Do it. You can buy your own Facebook.
3. If it’s your true love’s dying wish
If any of these crazy scenarios are going to happen, it’s most likely going to be this one. You find your soul mate, the woman of your dreams. And your relationship is straight out of a romantic comedy. After only a handful of dates, true love blossoms, the unshakeable bond that speaks volumes when you gaze in each other’s eyes. In no time at all, the two of you are engaged, thrilled at the prospect of a future waiting to be written hand in hand.
But on your way over to the wedding, your beloved gets in a fatal car accident. You rush to the scene, only to find her clinging to life. With her dying breath, she reaches for your hand and says, “I’m sorry we won’t get to have that honeymoon.” You tell her, “Shh, it’s OK, I love you, you’re everything to me.” She says, “Just promise me one thing.” “Anything,” you tell her, “I’ll promise you anything.” She says, “Promise me you’ll delete your Facebook account,” and then she dies. What does it mean? It doesn’t make any sense. Why would she want you to do that? Too bad dude, you already promised. And all of the EMTs and police officers that got to the scene first heard it.