Tag Archives: anti-gun

I’m starting a gun-lobby-lobby

I’ve been thinking a lot about guns lately, about gun violence, about the gun lobby and the power it exerts on lawmakers. For instance, the gun lobby has been very successful recently in blocking any significant legislation that would have made it harder for crazy people to buy guns. And I think about all of the violence we’ve had to witness lately, how, even in the face of such despicable acts of wanton mayhem, this gun lobby is able to shake its fist at Congress and say, “don’t even think about it.” And Congress puts its hands up and goes, “Think about what? We weren’t thinking about anything. We’re sorry.”

Don’t get me wrong. I love guns. Some of my best friends happen to be guns. But I don’t get it. If the government makes me wait on line on a Tuesday morning to take some bullshit road test just so I can get a driver’s license, why am allowed to walk into any Wal-Mart and walk out with a bunch of weaponry? And why isn’t the auto lobby pressuring Congress to get rid of these restrictive license applications?

I’m thinking that, in order to fight the gun lobby, I’ve got to join the gun lobby. That’s going to be tough, for obvious reasons. Reasons like: I don’t own a gun, I don’t know how to use a gun (I’m even terrible at Duck Hunt,) and I’ve never been to any gun lobby meetings or read any of that gunny lobby literature. I guess I’ll have to start somewhere. I’ll start writing op-eds to newspapers across the country, “Yer gonna hayaf ta prah muh gun from muh cold deyad hayands!” until Fox News gives me my own radio program or column on one of its web sites.

And from there I could start rising in rank, I could become like gun lobby secretary, treasurer, maybe even vice-president. Once I gain their trust, I’ll start slipping in my more moderate agenda. It’ll be like that scene from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, when all of those biker guys are about to beat the crap out of him in that dive bar, and they’re all shouting out what they’d like to do to him, “I’m going to rip his throat out!” “I’m going to make him wish he was never born!” and then Pee Wee says out of the corner of his mouth, “I say we let him go!”

But there’s a risk here. What if the gun-lobby power starts to corrupt me? I mean, I’ll have a gun in my holster, so that’ll be like its own natural power trip. Anybody even so much as looks at me cock-eyed and who knows what I’ll be capable of doing? No, there’s too much risk, too much gun power, gun-lobby power. I think that, under those circumstances, I’d probably be doing exactly what the current leaders of the gun-lobby are doing.

Man, I’m already having trouble shaking from my head the image of me walking down the street twirling a gun on my finger, stopping every now and then to give a really ominous stare-down to every other person, like go ahead buddy, you have a problem with my gun, with my liberty?

No, snap out of it Rob. The gun-lobby is too powerful, and I’m no match. But wait a second, I just had an even better idea. So the gun-lobby has power over Congress in regards to guns, right? Well who has power over Congress in regards to gun-lobbies? Nobody. Yet. I’ve got to make my own lobby, a new lobby, the gun-lobby-lobby. It’s almost too simple, yet I can’t think of anything that might go wrong.

I’ll march to Washington and speak on behalf of those who speak on behalf of guns. I’ll sponsor legislation, making laws like, I don’t know, whenever the gun lobby says something, they have to say it in a really silly voice, like they all have to suck in helium from several balloons before they go on any talk shows and speak about arming kindergarten students with AK-47s. And then we can all just sit back and laugh, because whenever we look at these people, foaming at the mouth, red in the face, “The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun,” it’ll all sound like a big joke. And it is. It’s really just this huge national not-that-funny joke. Let’s do it. Let’s start a gun-lobby-lobby. I’m president.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Or Godzilla.

I used to joke around about guns all the time. But that was before. Now I’m serious about guns. I’m seriously getting a gun. It’s the only way to stay completely safe. It’s the only way that we’ll all be completely safe. It’s safer for all of you if I have a gun. Because if shit goes down, with a gun, trust me, I’m going to be the guy that you wished were there, with another gun, to make sure that shit, having already gone down, either goes back up, or goes away completely.

If some nut storms into anywhere that I happen to be, and he or she has a gun, I’m going to completely neutralize the situation. And I’ll do it without injuring anybody. And I’ll also do it without infringing upon that nutjob’s second amendment rights. I’m probably the most accurate shot in the world. So whenever I’m being threatened with a gun, I antagonize my assailant, poke and prod them, agitating them so that they eventually fire the gun. That’s when I spring to action. I shoot my gun. But I shoot my bullets with such precision as to intercept the other guy’s bullets. So we both shoot and the bullets hit each other in midair, falling harmlessly to the ground. After a few rounds of shooting and not doing any damage, the other guy gives up. No harm done, nobody’s gun gets taken away, because nobody committed any crimes.

I armed my dog. I buy as many guns as I can and then I give them away to strangers. I have a slightly different interpretation of the second amendment. Unlike some of the more liberal members of the Supreme Court – I’m looking at you Scalia – I believe that our founding fathers were mandating that every citizen own a gun. If you don’t have one, how are you supposed to exercise your right to bare arms?

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Or, another bad guy with a bigger gun. Well, not necessarily bigger. See, if two bad guys decide to independently shoot up the same school on the same day, let’s say they get there at the same time. The second bad guy with a gun might mistake the first bad guy with a gun as a good guy with a gun. So the second bad guy will off the first bad guy, with his gun – Pop! – and in the aftermath, some good guys with guns might mistakenly identify the second bad guy with a gun to be a fellow good guy with a gun. Having satisfied his craving for bloodlust, the bad guy wouldn’t see a need to shoot anybody else, especially considering all of the praise he’d be getting from the principal, from local leaders. Maybe he’d like being a good guy with a gun. More guns, less bad guys with guns, more bad guys turned good guys with guns. Confused? Yeah I probably didn’t explain it right. It’s all on the NRA web site, so you can just check it out whenever.

But I’m thinking, trying to brainstorm some ideas, some other ways to stop a bad guy with a gun. I haven’t nailed down the specifics, but I’m thinking about designing a really big gun that, instead of bullets, fires out rounds of regular sized guns. This would be perfect for movie theater style massacres. If you keep one of these big gun-guns at the front of the theater, when the attacker enters, instead of waiting for everybody to lock and load their own guns, you could just shoot the big gun, and it would fire a gun out to every member of the public. Bang! Instant militia.

And not just bigger guns. I’m also talking more guns. I know, I already said that two paragraphs ago. But even more guns than that. Is there any way that the hospital industry could join forces with the gun industry? It makes perfect sense to me. First, when babies are born, they could be given their first gun right away. They won’t waste any time exercising their second amendment rights. Plus, they’ll never know anything about not being a gun owner. It’ll be like a part of them. Is there any way we can get a gun inside the womb? No, I’m going too fast. One thing at a time here. But also, where do people go after they get shot? Hospitals. It just seems like we can streamline the process, bang, hospital, bang, gun shop.

This is serious time. It’s serious here in America. If anybody’s serious about taking my gun away, they’re seriously going to need a bigger gun to even try. And think about it, anybody who wants to take my gun away, they’re probably anti-gun. So what, they’re going to buy a gun to take away my gun? And then what, they’ll have two guns? Doesn’t sound very realistic from the anti-gun guy’s point of view. Or as I like to call them, the bad guys without guns. The only way to stop a bad guy without a gun is to give him a gun and then stand right by him, pointing a gun at him, making sure that he turns into a good guy with a gun, and if not, if he’s still a bad guy, now with a gun, well then it’s our duty to make sure he turns into a dead guy with a gun. Got it? Lock and load mothafuckas.