I had a pretty big week. Specifically, last night was huge for me. I’m talking about fantasy football. And yeah, I get it, nobody wants to hear about my fantasy football league. But this is different. Because last night’s game was huge. Sure, it was only week four, but for me, it might as well have been the Super Bowl. I can’t think of any fantasy week more important than the one I just had. Because I beat my brother-in-law Mike.

There was actually a lot riding on this matchup. Mike and I had a little side-bet going on. If Mike won, he wanted me to write a blog post about how awesome he is. Luckily, he lost, and so not only am I not writing anything about him being awesome, but I’m going to rub it in his face, about how awesome I am, about how my team destroyed his team, about how now he has to pay up.

See, the deal was, if I won, Mike would have to, whenever I decide to have him do it, make my other brother-in-law Matt a sandwich. Which, that doesn’t sound like a really good deal, right? Well that’s because you don’t know how things went down last year. When I faced off against Mike a season ago, we had a side-bet, where the loser would have to make the winner a sandwich upon request. I lost, and the threat of having to make Mike a sandwich has been hanging over my head for too long.

But not anymore. Mike was reluctant to use his sandwich powers on me, because he knew that, once he did, my debt would be absolved, and he wouldn’t have anything over me. And so, foolishly, he never cashed it in. And now he never will. Because the second Mike asks me to make him a sandwich, I’m going to command him to make Matt a sandwich. And regardless of our differences, nobody wants to see Matt get a free sandwich. And so we’re even. It’s mutually assured sandwich destruction.

Best of all, the only reason that I won this week is because I started Eli Manning, quarterback of the New York Giants. Going into the year, nobody had any faith in Eli. Which was why Mike jokingly suggested that I give up one of my best wide receivers for the Giants’ QB. I shocked our league by accepting that trade. It almost tore us apart. But the commissioner OKed the trade, and I knew that Eli wasn’t going to let us down. I believed in Eli when nobody else would. And he totally killed it last week.

So I just wanted to say that, Mike, you got totally pwned. And it was all thanks to Eli Manning. And now you’ll never get your sandwich, not without having to make one for Matt. I’d say something like, “see you in the playoffs,” but it’s just going to be me. You hear that Mike? Just me and Eli.