Tag Archives: Buy

Windsurfing Groupon

I bought a Groupon a few months ago, it was for these windsurfing lessons, four hours two times a week for two months for five hundred bucks. I was having lunch with my friend Frank when I saw the deal and I asked him, “Hey Frank, doesn’t that sound cool?” I and I was really just saying it to say it. But Frank lit up, his reaction was immediate and enthusiastic. “That looks fucking awesome,” he told me. “I would totally be down to do that.”

Windgirl

And like I said, when I saw the windsurfing package, there wasn’t really any active part of my mind that thought, yes, this is what I want to do, I need to go windsurfing. The only reason that I showed Frank the offer in the first place was because we’d been hanging out for like half an hour, and conversation wasn’t really happening, to the point where we were already lost in our cell phones.

Then when I showed it to him, I’m not even exaggerating, he was all about that Groupon. “Let’s do this!” he looked me right in the eye and I couldn’t help but feel excited. “Really?” I just wanted to double check, and he was like, “Totally!”

The Groupon expired in twenty minutes, and I showed him, I said, “So should I do it? That’s cool? Five hundred bucks?” and he said, “Absolutely, I’ll get you the cash tomorrow.” And I hit the button, purchase. I received a confirmation email right away.

And we sat there for the rest of however long we hung out for and talked all about how cool it was going to be, learning how to windsurf. We wondered what kind of gear we’d need, and so we spent a little time searching online windsurfing forums, learning the very basics about windsurfing, like what to expect our first time out, stuff like that. At one point, he even showed me some windsurfing equipment that he’d found on eBay. He was like, “Yeah man, after the two months are up, we should totally go in on all of the equipment together.” And this guy’s whole everything, his attitude, his smile, it was infectious, I was like, “Yeah! We totally should!”

And then the next day Frank texted me, he was like, “Hey Rob, I actually just took a look at my work schedule, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to make that windsurfing thing happen. But you’ll be able to find someone else, I’m sure of it. That was such a great deal!”

Of course I was pissed off, eventually. At first I was just really confused, and then very disappointed. Because, and it’s really hard for me to admit this, seeing as how everything went wrong so quickly, but I couldn’t even go to sleep that night. I was so excited, just laying there in my bed, thinking about what a great bonding experience this was going to be for us, how from now on, anytime we were bored, we could just head to the beach and start flying across the surf. I even did a bunch of research into storage spots near the water, how much it would cost for us to keep all of our gear and equipment at a location right by the shore.

“Dude, I already paid for this package,” I texted him back, and like five hours later, he sent me a response, saying, “Yeah man, and I’m telling you, you’re going to have trouble picking who you want to take advantage of this unbelievable offer with you!” And for a minute anyway, it’s like he had this way of giving me a mini enthusiasm boost via text message. Yeah, I thought to myself, this is still going to be awesome. “And I can basically teach you everything that I learn at the lessons, so we can still go in on all of that equipment together if you want.” And the next day I got his reply, he typed back, “That’s sounds like something to think about!”

I started calling my friends, trying to sell them on the windsurfing package, but the responses were all nearly identical: “Windsurfing? I don’t know I’m not a strong swimmer. Wait, five hundred bucks total or each? I don’t know, that’s a lot of money. Can I get back to you? All right, I mean, I don’t think so. Maybe, but I don’t think so. Put me down as a maybe. As a tentative maybe.”

It’s like, for whatever reason, I couldn’t capture even a fraction of whatever it was that Frank had that got me so excited about windsurfing in the first place. In fact, the more I tried to recruit someone else, the less it sounded like something that I’d be even remotely interested in. No, I didn’t want to go to the beach twice a week for two months. That’s like way too big of a commitment. And don’t I have a vacation planned between now and then? What about getting out of work on time? Why didn’t I think of any of this before I clicked “purchase?”

I got in touch with Groupon corporate and they were like, sorry man, a Groupon’s a Groupon. I called up Frank but his cell phone kept going straight to voicemail. I was leaving all of these text messages, stuff like, “Man, I can’t get anybody. You need to help me out here.” And he’d respond back like every other day or so, “OK, OK, I’ll figure something out.”

And then, yeah, the day before the first session, he totally figured something out. “Here’s your five hundred bucks,” he showed me when he stopped by my house. “For real?” I said. “Who’d you sell it to?”
“My friend Pete,” he told me. And that was a huge relief. I don’t know why he couldn’t have been a little more straightforward with me, but whatever, I was off the hook, it felt great, like a huge knot had been untangled in my gut.

Only, I was checking my Instagram earlier today, and Frank put up like twelve photos of him and Pete windsurfing. Man, it was like a windsurfing commercial. “Windsurfing is so much fun!” was one of the captions. Another one said, “I think I’ve fallen in love … with windsurfing!”

And yeah, maybe I’m being a little petty, but was it me? Do I not seem like the kind of guy who would be cool to learn windsurfing with, for sixteen two-hour sessions? I sent him a text later that night, “What happened with the windsurfing?” I asked him, “I thought you said you couldn’t make it?” And he texted me back right away, “My plans changed, windsurfing is awesome! You gotta sign up! I’ve never felt more alive!”

And so, I really want to try it. There’s this awesome deal on Living Social right now, it’s three hundred bucks, but you get unlimited windsurfing lessons for two weeks. I could move my vacation days around and work something out. Does anybody want to do it with me? Because Pete and Frank are doing it and it looks so cool. Wouldn’t it be great to be in like a four man windsurfing group of friends? Think about it. Let me know, ASAP.

Let’s talk about investments

I need to find some investors. Do you want to be my investor? Don’t you think that I’m worth investing in, worth the investment? Look at all that I’ve done so far. Look at everything I’ve created. Like this sentence that you’re currently reading. Nobody invested in that sentence. And look. It’s there. It’s on the Internet. Imagine what that sentence would have looked like with some serious financing, some real cash.

How about starting with just one dollar? Or, wait a second, that was probably a lowball. Or a highball. What’s the one that you get at a bar? I’m not that skilled in the art of negotiation. Let’s try it again: you give me one hundred dollars. A day. Consider it an investment. Consider it a tax deductable donation. Just consider it. I’m not an accountant. I can provide you with a tax deductible certificate if you want. Sure, I can do one right now:

This certificate hereby states that (your name here) donated one hundred dollars every day for the entire 2013 fiscal year. Please do not tax (your name again) for any of said dollars. Additionally, give him a few extra dollars on his return, because in supporting me, (you) is supporting the public good.

Although, and again, I’d like to stress that I’m not an accountant, regardless of how official that certificate sounded, (like did you like that part about “said” dollars?) But just try it. Use TurboTax. In fact, change 2013 to 2012, if you haven’t already filed your taxes, and see if you can’t get away with claiming a return for right now. It’ll work. Just click on that “audit protection” button. I think it’s only a minor charge, totally inconsequential considering all of that money you’ll be saving on those pre-tax donations.

“Now just hold on a second Rob,” I can imagine you protesting, “A hundred dollars a day? Listen, I can get behind one dollar a day,” because that’s not too much to ask, one dollar, right? “But one hundred dollars a day? I just can’t afford that type of philanthropy.”

Which is why I say, not to worry, we’ll just tell them it’s a hundred dollars a day. You get a huge refund, you use part of that refund check to donate more toward me. Didn’t I say that this was an investment? Invest in me, seriously, because one, I don’t think that the IRS audits every single taxpayer. That would be impossible. Even with TurboTax. And did I mention the audit protection button? Come on.

One time I tried playing the stock market, tried my hand at running my own investments. I watched one episode of Mad Money. I can still remember his advice, “Buy Staples stock! Everybody needs office supplies! Yeehaw!” or something like that. I bought it. Nothing happened. I sold it. Nothing happened. I did that a few other times with a few other companies. Finally I wound up with like ten shares of Apple stock. It went down like ten bucks. I got out. A week later the iPhone came out. It went up hundreds of dollars.

Every time I think about that, I write up a little note. It says something like, “Sell Apple!” and then I print it out. And then I eat it, so you know, I’m like eating my words, but literally. The kicker? I filed my taxes and got a huge refund, but then maybe three months later the IRS sends me a letter. It says, and I’m paraphrasing here, hey asshole, guess who forgot to pay capital gains taxes on all of that trading? You!

And I was like, gains? What gains? I tried to protest, but I never wrote down at what price I bought which stock, and I tried calling somebody up at the trading desk, but I used one of those cheap-o online trading things, minimum cost, minimum customer support, and the IRS finally just took the money right out of my bank account. I knew I should have done that audit protection on TurboTax that year, but the power of buying and selling, it was corrupting me at a subatomic level, I was like, “I don’t have to answer to anybody! I’m in the money business now!”

So now I’m on the other end. Look at what you’ve just read. Here it is. I mean, there it was. You read it. Invest in it, in this, and other stuff like this. I’m a good investment. Just one dollar a day, or a lump one hundred dollar sum, or even a dollar, come on, I’ve got the certificates, you’ve got the cash, let’s invest, in each other, in me.