Tag Archives: carwash

I just want the regular carwash

Look, I just want a regular carwash. The least expensive option. I’m not interested in Tire-All performance enhancing tire grip wash. Wait, how much extra? No, no that’s OK. I’m really just here for a pretty basic soaping, rinsing, and wiping. Do you guys vacuum the inside? Like the inside mats? Is that standard, included in the basic package? Sixteen fifty, right? OK, cool. No I don’t want the leather moisturizing detail combo. It’s fine. Really, I don’t even think those seats are real leather.

Synthetic moisturizing detail sub-combo? I’ve never heard of that. Three ninety-nine? I mean that’s kind of reasonable, I just … you know what? No, I always fall for this stuff. Regular car wash please. With the vacuuming. Well, what does the deluxe vacuumizer do differently than the regular vacuum service? Two sixteen additional? I mean, just explain it to me, what am I getting? Is there a noticeable improvement from using the regular vacuum to using the vacuumizer?

Well then why only two sixteen? Why don’t you just up the base price of the car wash and then automatically use the vacuumizer? Won’t that contraption pay for itself a lot faster if you make sure you’re using it on every car? Because, look, I don’t mind necessarily paying two sixteen extra, it’s just that, I don’t like being offered one price and then being offered an increase in vacuuming quality for two sixteen extra. You want two sixteen, just take two sixteen, don’t try to make me voluntarily cough it up.

Besides, you’re going to keep two functioning vacuuming systems installed and ready to go? I guarantee you less than half the people are opting for the vacuumizer. I’m just saying, I’m already leaning towards no. Wait, did that guy misunderstand me? What’s he doing with the vacuumizer by my car? No, I said … well I didn’t make up my mind yet, but now I’ve made my decision. And it’s no. No vacuumizer.

Well I don’t care how long it takes to power up. You should have thought about that before you decided to assume I’d automatically cough over two dollars and sixteen cents. Now it’s not even about the money. It’s about the principle. Don’t give people an option between a default system that doesn’t get the job done and a special surcharged system that … what does this vacuumizer even do?

Do the regular vacuums get the job done? Yes? Well then the vacuumizer, it does the same job, but what, it’s easier to operate? Less manpower? So I’m going to pay extra so you can have an expensive machine do the same job but with less work?

Whatever, you know what, I can’t talk about vacuumizing anymore. Just make sure you get all that crap out from in between the doors. I can’t even reach in there. I don’t even remember the last time I had Lucky Charms while I was driving, so I don’t know how all those hearts, stars and rainbows got in there.

Can I ride in the car? You know while it’s going through the car wash? Why not? Come on, when I was a little kid every car wash used to let you do that. I’d sit in the back and pretend I was a prisoner on a pirate ship. Now nobody lets you stay inside. You always have to walk through the little gift shop, look at all the different varieties of air freshener.

How much? Four twenty five? Just to stay in my own car? Plus the vacuumizer? Two times? Well can’t I just pay you for the first time it was powered up, and you can just still do the regular vacuuming? Come on, why does that guy keep powering it up prematurely? You’re jumping the gun buddy!

All right, thanks a lot boys. Just, no, I already put the tip in the tip box. What do you mean how much, I put like five bucks in. Well why was there a giant metal box that said, “Thanks for the tips!” right where I paid for the car wash? You’ve got to talk to the boss, I don’t know, I see that box, I think, OK, tips, you guys’ll divvy them up afterward. And look, another box right outside. You’ve got to streamline this tip process. I promise you I already tipped.

Man, there’s still so much crap in that crack. I can clearly see a pot of gold, right there. Can you just go over it again with the vacuum? Really? I’d have to drive all the way around? There’s such a long line of cars. You know what, forget it, thanks a lot guys, you’re all doing a great job here, running a great business.

I insist

If you really want the best in life, you have to demand it. You have to insist. People always get timid and make these faces with worried expressions, and they start whining, saying stuff like, “Well … you see … it’s … it’s just that … it’s just that I don’t want to come across as pushy. I don’t want to impose.” And I’m glad that a lot of people are like this, because it leaves more room for people like me to make our demands even louder, to start insisting stronger than ever. And those other people’s worried expressions will crinkle up even more, because they really don’t like to impose, but they don’t like being imposed upon either, nobody does, but being too much of a wimp to do anything about it, they’ll cave just to get you off of their backs.

You’re not going to go anywhere in life without insisting. Whenever I go out to eat, I order my meal like a normal person. But when I see the waiter coming over with my meal, I automatically start shaking my head in disappointment, before I even get a chance to see the dish. It doesn’t matter if it’s a good dish. Everything can be better. Every chef could take just a little bit more time preparing every plate to a higher standard. And that’s what I want. I want the head chef to personally remake me my meal better than ever. Much better. And the chef’s not going to do that unless you reject the first attempt. Unless you mean business. Unless you insist.

I’m not even just talking about sit-down restaurants. I’m talking about any place you can get food. Fast food places. McDonald’s. I’ll order a Big Mac meal and when the cashier hands me the bag, I don’t step to the side, even if there’s a long line of people behind me. Even if the person who is in line behind me automatically starts ordering, assumes that I’m done, just because I have my food. I hold my hand up to that person without even acknowledging them. I tell them to wait a second. I insist.

And then in front of the cashier I start going through the bag of food. I take out the Big Mac, the fries, all of the napkins. Everything that’s inside the bag. And then I open up the Big Mac box. I take the top bun off. I start running my finger through the shredded lettuce, poking around at everything inside. Then I do the same thing with the middle bun. I turn the fry box upside town and start going through all of the fries. I even take the lid off of the Coke and spin my fingers around once or twice.

“Not so fast,” I tell the cashier. At this point, the people behind me switch to other lines, because they know I mean business. And I like it better this way. I hate feeling rushed. The cashier asks me what the problem is. In all honesty, there’s probably nothing wrong. But throughout my whole life, everybody’s always told me that there’s always room for improvement. And when I spend money somewhere, I like to think I’m getting the very best for my dollar. I like to imagine that I’m insisting on the best.

So I complain that the burger isn’t hot enough, that the lettuce isn’t crisp enough, that they sauce isn’t secret enough. I point at the fries. There are usually at least one or two burnt little pieces of potato in there somewhere. If there aren’t, I’ll complain that the fries look too greasy. Or there’s not enough salt. And this Coke, when was the last time the syrup’s been changed? Today? Really? Well did they clean out the syrup hose or did they just change the bag of syrup? What do you mean you don’t know?

And when they finally redo my meal, I insist that they put those “made fresh” stickers on all of my items, indicating to me, to the whole world, that I’m getting the very freshest, that I’ve demanded quality. If they don’t put that sticker on, I make them start all over again. Because, how do I know they didn’t just repackage the same sandwich? Of course they didn’t, my dissection was so thorough they wouldn’t have been able to. But that’s what I’ll say.

Car washes are the best. First of all, I refuse to get out of the car when it goes through the machine. I remember when I was a little kid, you always got to stay in the car. But lately I feel like they always make you get out. So I insist on staying in. Usually nobody’s up for an argument, so they just say whatever and let me go through. It’s so cool. The stuff sprays out onto the windows. And then the big strips of cleaning stuff start going up and down on the windshield. It’s exciting.

And then afterwards those guys at the end start polishing the whole thing down with towels. And then when they finish they stand around with their hands out for a tip. And that’s when I start insisting. I insist that the machine isn’t running properly, that my car usually comes out much cleaner. I start demanding to speak to the manager, to see the machine’s permits, asking when the last time this whole place has been serviced. I always get another run through. Every time. These guys don’t want you hanging around complaining all day, insisting. They’ve got a long line of cars waiting to go through. You just insist long enough and you get another ride. It’s great.

I like to go in the backseat this time and pretend like I’m prisoner on a pirate ship, and there’s a storm, but I have this plan to take control of the ship while the crew is busy battling the storm, and then right as the car emerges from the carwash, I like to fight my way to the driver’s seat and pretend like I steered the pirate ship straight out of the storm. And I get out of the car and I imagine that all of the people wiping down the car are the pirates, and that they’ve accepted me as their new captain, and I start insisting that they check for barnacles under the hood. And they look at me funny, because it’s really just an imaginary story, all in my head, but whatever, I don’t care if anybody’s looking at me funny, I’m having a great time, this pirate ship scenario is so much fun, and I’m serious here, pop open the hood and scrub. I’m serious here matey. I insist.