I just got an email from Facebook. It was like, “Hey Rob, in a few days from now, we’re going to be removing messages from the Facebook mobile app. If you want to continue to send messages via Facebook, you’re going to have to download our new Facebook Messenger app. Yeah, that one, the one that you’ve been ignoring ever since we started bombarding you with advertisements a few months ago every time you opened up the Facebook app. It’s just that, well, we really want you to have two Facebook apps. It’s better for us if, instead of just one Facebook app, you have to download a separate Facebook app just for Facebook messages. So yeah, thanks again for using Facebook.”
Hey Facebook, it’s not like you’re going to read this, and it’s not like I even want you to read it, because Facebook (I’m talking combined mobile and desktop usage here) makes up approximately .000000000000000012% of my life. So go ahead, take away messages. I’m not downloading your stupid Facebook Messenger app. You don’t think I have anything better to do that to switch between two separate Facebook apps? You’re grossly overestimating how much of a role Facebook plays in my life here.
Why don’t you make a separate photo app too? That would be so great. Like, take away the ability to look at photos on the regular Facebook app, and make it so we have to open up a separate app just to look at photos. And then make another one just for statuses. And the statuses could only be a certain amount of characters. And you could use hashtags. And you could call it Twitter.
And then you could make a separate app that only sends me invites from random kids that I went to grammar school with who really want me to play Farmville or Candy Crush Saga. I’ll log onto this app, it’ll say, “Hey Rob, this guy that you met one time two years ago when you went to that Phish concert with your cousin wants you to play Candy Crush with him. Yes?” And I’ll click, no, always no, and that’ll be the whole point of the app, a centralized service where I can reject invites to online games from strangers.
And why are you even asking for my permission? Just install an app on my phone that automatically installs all future Facebook apps. I’ll swipe my phone on one day and it’ll be the new Facebook phone operating system. Instead of my contact list, there’ll be a Facebook contact list, only pulling up people’s Facebook profiles. Everything will be Facebook blue and there won’t be any option to change it.
I’m not downloading your stupid, stupid, dumb, stupid Messenger app, OK Facebook? Go ahead and take away messaging from the Facebook app, because nobody cares, because nobody uses Facebook messages. If I ever need to send a message to somebody, it’s either going to be via text message or email, not Facebook. Absolutely, definitely, most assuredly not if I have to download another app. Goodbye forever. Remember when you tried to get me to forward all of my emails to that new @facebook.com email address that you set up for me? I didn’t use that once either, and that program was a big bust, I would have forgotten about it completely if it hadn’t been for that email you sent me a month or so ago, “Hey Rob, we’re canceling the whole @facebook.com email address program. It turns out that nobody used it, never, not even once.”
Do you guys have like meetings? Do you ever sit around the conference table and think, will people like this shit? Is this something that Facebook users are going to do? Do we want to be relevant at all? Because I’m not getting that sense, that you’re trying, that you want people to want to use Facebook. I’m feeling less and less that way every day.