Tag Archives: football

Two-hand touch

Come on, get up, you’re all right, you didn’t fall that hard, just try and put some weight on it, I’m sure you’ll … ooh, you know what? Don’t put any more weight on it. Just give it a minute, I think that’s the body’s natural response to an impact, swelling, even if nothing’s broken, especially when nothing’s broken, because if there wasn’t any swelling, well, then you’d be in trouble, that’s when I’d start to worry. Maybe you’d be dead. You never see swelling on a dead person. Just a lot of bloat, which is totally different.


Nope, a fair amount of deep purple swelling is biology’s way of telling you, OK, you took a little bit of a tumble, but just let me rush a whole bunch of antibodies and natural painkillers to the affected site and … listen, I don’t even think you hit the ground that hard, I mean, you’ll be on your feet in a minute. Maybe two minutes. Just give it five minutes.

I didn’t hit you that hard. I know we were playing two-hand touch, it’s just … you know, heat of the moment, animal instincts take over and SLAM! You see? I’m getting all riled up just thinking about it, which is perfectly natural, that’s my physiology still reacting, still preparing for more reactions, I’ve got so much adrenaline still coursing through my system, I feel like I could take down everybody here. Does anybody else want a piece of this? What are you looking at, huh? He’s fine. Just give him some room to breathe, Jesus.

You know it’s because I used to play in high school, you know that, right? Some things cannot be unlearned, and to be perfectly fair here, you were coming at me pretty aggressively, way too cocky for a guy who still had a former varsity lineman to get through before crossing to the end zone. I know it’s a friendly game and everything, but I’m not just going to let you win.

Does anybody have any ice? Just … when you get home, fill up the tub with ice and stay in there for an hour, two hours, and when it melts, just get the Mrs. to fill it up with even more ice, nice and ice cold. I guarantee you that the swelling will … holy shit, is that bone? No, that’s not bone. That couldn’t be bone. Bone doesn’t come out that way. I totally, absolutely did not hit you hard enough for that to be bone.

Motherfucker … well, that could have just been a really awkward landing. On your part, I’m saying. You know, you’re a runner, right? I’d bet you anything that you had one of those stress fractures. Have you been feeling any shin pain lately? Like shin splints? Because that’s like a micro break right there, like all it takes is the slightest amount of pressure in just the right spot and, CRACK! That’s what I’m betting … I’m pretty sure that … there’s no way I could have.

Look, I can reset that, I think I actually have to. I took half of a lifeguarding course like ten years ago and … I’m serious man, that thing has got to be reset. We’re looking at permanent lifetime damage, like a limp, maybe a prosthetic, if that bone starts to heal without being properly aligned. That’s nature man, you don’t understand the resilience of the human body, almost to a fault, like the second you go down … remember I was talking about those antibodies? The swelling? Well it is a good sign, normally.

And even though I’m pretty sure your legs were in bad shape coming in here, I do feel somewhat responsible. When you run, do you strike with your heel or with your toe? Because heel striking, or toe striking, I can’t remember, but one of those is really hard on the shins. Didn’t you think about any of this before you took to the field? Don’t you have kids? Playing on a team against a former two-time county starting lineman? It’s like those guys who run with bulls over in Spain, nobody thinks they’ll be the one going down, getting trampled, gored, and no one wants to see that happen, but when it does, you don’t ever hear anybody blaming the bull. Am I right?

But still, we’ve got to get that bone set. Just, stop struggling. I know it hurts, don’t worry, I’ll bring over lots of ice for that ice bath, that’s going to be one of the coldest ice baths you’ve ever taken. You won’t even be able to feel any of this pain. Just, stop, just … somebody hold him down. Jesus! I’ve got to do everything …

Well, he wouldn’t stop struggling. This’ll be much easier now that he’s knocked out. There we go, just like that and … oh. Oh God. That’s even worse. And why is it all of the sudden bleeding now? You know, I think we should call an ambulance. I think … I think we should call his wife. Just … you guys saw all that, right? I was trying, like the good Samaritan. Like good Samaritan laws, they exist, right? That’s a thing, right? Because I was just trying my best. I didn’t know he had weak shins. I think he’ll be OK. We just have to wake him up, just slap him around a little bit. HEY LARRY! WAKE UP! LARRY!

NFL prediction: The Giants are going to win the Superbowl

The New York Giants are 0-6. It’s not looking good. But it’s going to start looking good. Yup, you’re hearing it first, right here, I’m calling it. The New York Giants, after a dismal start to the season, are about to go on an unprecedented winning streak, coming back from their lowest point in recent history. They’re going to win every single game, starting this Monday, culminating at the Super Bowl. It’s totally going to happen.


It’s going to start this week against the Vikings. Not the first half though. The first half is going to be a rough game of football for the G-Men. It’s going to be everything that you’ve come to associate with the 2013 Giants, interceptions, incomplete passes, just bad football. The Vikings will be up at the half.

But that’s it. Once the third quarter starts, that’s the last that you’re going to be seeing of a losing football team. They’re going to come back and crush Minnesota, I’m thinking a final score of like 37 – 17. And it’ll feel good, finally, after seven weeks, a win. It’ll take a lot of the pressure off of Eli, maybe he’ll sleep a little better this week, maybe Coughlin will stop calling him up every hour, “Eli. Are you studying those plays Eli? Because you said you’d study them last week and we still lost to Chicago. Eli?”

Giants fans will let out a collective sigh of relief, but it’ll be anything but a celebration. One out of seven is hardly anything to get pumped up about, and they’ll go online after the game and all of their Jets fans friends will still be posting really annoying status updates on Facebook, like, “Hahahah too bad I wanted to see the Giants go 0 – 16, J-E-T- …” you know how it goes.

And even after the next week, when the Giants beat the Eagles, New Yorkers are still going to be a little wary. And can you really blame them? I mean, it would foolish to get your hopes up after only two wins, wins that were preceded by six consecutive losses. I still remember back to week three, and I read something like, OK, the Giants only have like a nineteen percent chance of making the playoffs. And then the next week, when they lost again, I read that the Giants haven’t been 0 – 4 since the early nineties. And then week five, week six, I’m sure it was something equally abysmal, like, statistically speaking, the New York Giants aren’t even predicted to finish the season at all, like somewhere around week twelve, they’re all just going to give up.

But three weeks from now, when the Giants destroy the Raiders, fans might finally start to allow themselves to enjoy maybe just a few fleeting minutes of subdued optimism. Three in a row is pretty nice, those losses start to recede in the rearview mirror of the city’s memory, and plus, remember how I said destroyed? It’s going to be a huge victory. It’s going to be like one of those 37 – 0 games that, by the end of the third quarter, people won’t even really be paying attention to the TV anymore, it’ll be too much of a blowout.

You’ll see the negativity, stuff like, “OK, whatever, the Raiders suck, and so do the Eagles. Let’s see the Giants against a real team.” And then week ten’s going to roll around. Packers: destroyed. Week eleven. Cowboys: obliterated.

You guys starting to get a feel for where this is going? The Giants are going to go on such an unstoppable tear, that nobody’s even going to remember those first six games. It’s going to be all about, who can possibly defeat the Giants? And only once the playoffs start, once they start making those video montages of the entire season, that’s when the early season difficulties are going to make for a nice narrative arc.

“Everybody counted them out,” that’s how it’s going to go, playing highlights of interceptions and sacks before detailing their unprecedented winning streak. And I’ll watch the video and think, everybody counted them out but me. I knew they were going to come back. I called it.

And this is me, calling it. When everything happens just like I’m saying that it’s going to, I’m probably going to be visited by all sorts of government officials and scientists, they’ll be like, “Do you have access to some sort of time machine that we’re not aware of? We’re going to have to bring you in for some studies.” And I’ll go, I don’t care. Because seriously, fuck the Broncos, fuck every other team, it’s going to be the Giants, winning the Super Bowl in New York. Definitely.

I’m all for it

Here’s a tip. Whenever somebody uses the phrase, “I’m all for ____,” they’re not really all for it at all. They’re really all against it. One time I heard a commercial on the radio for an SUV. The narrator was some mom, and she said, “I’m all for the environment, but safety is my priority when buying a vehicle.” You have to get past the fact that, this lady isn’t who she says she is, she’s an actress. So it’s really the car company itself speaking directly to you, telling you that they’re all for the environment. But what they’re really trying to tell you is, “We don’t care at all about the environment. And you shouldn’t either. Buy our Canyonero.”

I’m all for healthy eating, but if food companies want to use trans-fats, who are we to say they can’t? I’m all for portion control, but I don’t want the government telling me what size soda I’m allowed to buy. I’m all for gun rights, I just don’t think that people should be allowed to buy semi-automatic firearms, stockpile hoards of ammunition, or carry concealed weapons. See what I did there? I don’t care about gun rights at all. What I was doing was stating my argument while at the same time countering any arguments that might say that I’m anti gun rights. Which is false. It’s just a clever trick of the English language.

But you can use this trick in a more abstract way. You can make a really broad general statement, like, “I’m all for personal liberty.” And then you can follow it up with a statement that has nothing to do with the first part, thereby invalidating whatever you’re talking about. I’m all for personal liberty, but I’m don’t think New York Jets fans should be allowed to wear any team merchandise in public. I’m arbitrarily slamming an entire sports franchise and its fan base while at the same time standing up for something vague and general, in this case personal liberty. Who is going to argue against personal liberty?

When you’re engaged in an argument, or you’re making an argument, you’re always supposed to maintain some sort of civility. It’s just nice. When I’m arguing, I like to say stuff like, “Well, I disagree,” instead of saying, “No, you’re wrong.” That way you can get your point of view across without alienating whoever you’re engaging with. “Well, I would argue that …”

So on the surface anyway, “I’m all for,” really should be a nice thing to add to a conversation, to a disagreement. And maybe it was when it was first used. But whenever I hear it being thrown around, it’s always in a way to trivialize whatever it is being argued against. Go back to my SUV example and the woman on the radio. “I’m all for the environment, but what I care about is safety.” What’s going on here? To me, what I’m hearing is, “The environment? That’s cute. OK, sure, we’re for the environment too. Having said that, it doesn’t matter. Safety.”

That’s another trick. Just say safety. Arguments for safety basically trump anything. Why don’t high schools or colleges sponsor ski trips anymore? Why is marijuana illegal? Why did we go to war in Iraq? Safety, safety, and safety. But the safety excuse isn’t even applied universally, because we still encourage kids to run at each other headfirst every single day at football practice, we still allow people to buy and consume unlimited quantities of alcohol, and there are still a ton of other despotic countries in the world that we aren’t invading and overthrowing. Look, I’m all for head injury awareness, but football is ingrained in our culture. There’s no way we’re ever going to change anything. Look, I’m all for the free market, but we cannot stop until the war on drugs is won. Look, I’m all for diplomacy, but listen up Saddam, you have twenty-four hours to get out of Iraq before our tanks start rolling in towards Baghdad.

And seriously, nobody really needs this detailed of an explanation, but I’m running out of things to say here. I had something to say, and yeah, it took me a little long to cut to the chase. Or, it didn’t really take that long, but I added a bunch of unnecessary words. I’ve never really figured out how to be concise. Something about ten words where one will suffice. But listen, if you’ve got any advice, how I can tighten all of this up, let me know. I’m all for some constructive criticism.