Tag Archives: Kidding

Listen, I was just kidding about the Brooklyn Bridge

Hey everybody, I have another confession to make: remember how yesterday I wrote about how it was me who pulled off that Brooklyn Bridge white flag stunt? Yeah, well, it wasn’t me, I was just joking. I saw it on the newspaper in the morning and I thought, well, nobody’s taking any credit, maybe I should take credit. Nobody’s going to believe me, I thought, that would be insane.


But people believed me. A couple of G-Men showed up at my house really early this morning. They weren’t happy. “You think national security is some sort of a joke?” The good cop said. I just assumed they were playing good cop, bad cop. The bad cop didn’t say anything. He just kept glaring at me, communicating behind his aviator sunglasses, seriously man, you do not want me to get all bad-cop on your ass.

They had all of these printouts of stuff from this blog, my post from yesterday, my post from a while back expressing a strong desire to climb to the top of the Queensboro Bridge. I told them, “Guys, come on, I’m really sorry, but I’ve written blog posts about waiting tables in space, about what would happen if a giant red asteroid fell to the earth, turning all of the world’s oceans into red Kool-Aid, you can’t take any of this stuff seriously.”

And they said, “Listen kid, it’s post-post-9/11. We take everything seriously.” And I saw the bad cop write something on a little notepad: “Comet, red Kool-Aid, threat?” And then we just kind of stared each other down for a while, which, was really just them staring at me while I tried to avoid their punishing glares. I’m telling you, I think that bad-cop must have had some sort of mind control powers, because I could feel my head being probed, he was making me really uncomfortable.

“No more funny business, OK?” they told me, and I said, “That’s it? I’m not in trouble or anything?” and they didn’t answer, they didn’t have to. I’m just assuming that, no, I’m not in trouble, but at the same time, yes, I’m probably in a little bit of trouble. Some non-trouble.

Like when you get pulled over for speeding and you say to the cop, “Come on,” and he really shouldn’t, but for whatever reason, who knows, maybe you remind this cop of his son, and so he lets you off, but with a written warning. And it’s an official written warning, almost identical to a speeding ticket, but with no fine or loss of points on your license.

That’s the kind of non-trouble that I’m finding myself in right now. Like I think when these guys opened the door and saw me in my pajamas they probably immediately thought to themselves, goddammit, this job was so much easier before the Internet was around, before we had to deal people running their mouths online.

And so they told me to knock it off, not to mention the bridge again. And so I wanted to apologize, (is an apology OK? I’m sure an apology is OK) to everybody that read my post yesterday, who thought I was the one who climbed all the way up there and planted those bleached flags. I’m actually pretty flattered that some people thought me capable of performing such a feat. If anything, I still maintain that I could do it if I wanted to. I’m in great shape, and I think that I could climb any bridge or building in the city without really breaking a serious sweat.

But once again, I’m sorry for tricking you guys. It’s just that, I’m a really convincing writer, so don’t get too down on yourself for believing my tall tales. It’s hard for anybody to read this stuff and not take it at face value. I mean come on, the government sent people to my house. If they believed it could be true, don’t feel bad that you believed it too.

So I guess that leaves the mystery unsolved. I wonder if my friend Ben the Bridge Climber knows anything about it. Nah, I should just stop speculating and leave the investigating to the professionals.

I’m just kidding

Sorry I made fun of your haircut. I was just messing around. I was just trying to make a joke. Yeah, sorry, the joke was on you. But come on, lighten up. Hair grows back. No, I mean you’re haircut’s fine. But I hope you didn’t leave a tip. I’m joking. Totally kidding. You look great. You look better than ever. Don’t get like that, seriously, I couldn’t even tell that you got a haircut, I was just trying to say something funny. No, no, I noticed that you got a haircut. You ever say something stupid? I was just trying to, I don’t know, trying to be a really funny guy. Just use a little product, or wear a hat. I’m kidding!

Thanks for letting me borrow your car. Sorry about the radio. Yeah I wound up driving it way out of town, like way out, like the radio stations all changed. So I had to change all of the presets. And I couldn’t remember what stations you had them on originally. And I also couldn’t remember how to change them back. Yeah, I figured out how to change them the first time, but I just couldn’t do it again, I lost it. And I messed up the clock. And I got in a little accident. I’m just kidding! I didn’t get into an accident. What scratch? That scratch? I have no idea. I think that was there when you lent it to me. No, I’m pretty sure it was there. Well I have no clue. I didn’t scratch it.

No, you’re right, I totally scratched it. But I got one of those scratch-B-gone pens on the Internet, so you can just fix it right up. Where is it? I don’t know, in the mail probably. I just ordered it. Like just now, on my phone, like just now when you noticed the scratch. I’m just joking, I didn’t really scratch the car. Seriously, I don’t even see any scratch, really. I really don’t even get what you’re talking about.

Sorry I told you about Batman. I know, I get it, I ruined it. Sorry. But it’s still totally worth seeing. You’re still definitely going to enjoy it. Just go watch the movie, if you’re not entertained, well … well, you’re totally going to be entertained. And besides, I’m just messing around. All of that stuff I told you about the story, I just made it up. I’m just trying to throw you off, to make it even more surprising. No, yeah, no that’s not true, I should just stop trying to make this better, it’s not better. Just go see the movie. It’s fantastic.

Sorry I ate your pasta salad. It looked so good. Next time I’m at the deli I’ll pick up some more. I’m just kidding, I didn’t really eat it. I remembered you talking about eating it for lunch so I hid it. I was totally going to give it back but I forgot all about it and I think it spoiled, so I just threw it out. Come on, chill out, it’s just pasta salad. You shouldn’t be eating so much pasta salad anyway. All of those empty carbs.

I’m messing around, you look great. I was making a wisecrack. You look fine. I know, I forgot about the thyroid problem. I wasn’t trying to be serious, geez, I wasn’t like making a comment about your weight. Well, just like a carb joke, like I just wanted to say the word carb. Come on, you’re skinny! I mean, you’re not fat. You’re not like fat, fat. You phat with a PH! Like cool, phat! Come on. Lighten up, please. Just order whole wheat pasta salad from now on. Trust me, it tastes exactly the same, and something about complex carbs, and something else about something else. You look great. I was just messing around.

Ooh, Tuesday night? I’m busy Tuesday night, sorry. I’m working. Just get a cab, or take the airport shuttle. I know, but I switched and now I’m working Tuesday night. Look, I know I owe you, but what do you want me to do? I’m just messing around, I got fired. No, I didn’t get fired, I’m just kidding. Yeah, you’re right, it’s not very funny. I’m just making jokes like nervously, I don’t know. But I am working Tuesday night. OK I’m not, but I still can’t drive you to the airport. I got a bunch of speeding tickets when I borrowed your car, I think I gotta lay low for a minute, you know no driving. I’m just kidding, they were parking tickets. Still, a ticket’s a ticket. Well if you get anything in the mail just send it over and I’ll take care of it. I don’t know, isn’t it in the glove compartment? I don’t know. I have no idea. Just go on the web site and enter in your license plate. I don’t remember which town. I don’t know. Just wait for it to come in the mail, they’ll send you a notice. Just go to the court date and explain that you weren’t driving the car. They’ll always offer you a plea bargain. Half the time these traffic cops don’t even show up and the cases just get thrown out. Just chill out man, take a deep breath, you don’t see me getting so bent out of shape.