Tag Archives: moving

Anybody moving? Need any help?

I love helping people move. Every once in a while I’ll write something on Facebook, like, “Anybody moving? You need any help? Call me up!” usually around springtime, when everybody decides to get out, to try life out in a new neighborhood. For a lot of people, nothing’s worse than packing everything they own into boxes, disassembling all of their furniture, and then spending a whole day moving all of those boxes and furniture pieces down several flights of stairs, out onto the sidewalk, into a big truck or a large van, you know where I’m going with this, driving to their new place, unpacking, unmoving, or I guess just moving, but the second part of the move. It’s terrible. It’s a whole day off from work of just unforgiving manual labor.

So yeah, I don’t particularly enjoy it either. But I love volunteering to help people move. Think about it. Everybody needs help moving. And everybody hates it. It’s the one thing in life, the one giant chore that you set out to do, you realize that it’s all but impossible to do alone, and then you go onto craigslist to look into maybe hiring some movers, and then you’re like, Jesus, that’s going to be so much money. I don’t have that kind of cash.

Why do I love moving then? The power. Doing a huge favor like that might seem like a nice gesture on my part, but on the contrary, I’m only doing it to someday hold it over somebody else’s head. And since moving is such a big chore – I’m giving up my weekend here! – I’ll be in a position to hold it over some heads for a long time.

One obvious benefit is that I’ll never have any trouble moving myself. I’ve already helped like ten of my friends move in the past year. So whenever I decide to get a new apartment or change houses, I can call five of them up and still have a five-person favor surplus. And probably more, because if five people show up to help me move, they’re only going to be doing like one fifth of the work that I did when I was the only one to show up to help. Maybe somebody else came, I don’t know. It’s never five people.

But I don’t plan on moving anytime soon. And so I can continuously call on ten people to return small favors for me almost indefinitely. Think about it, I’ll help you move. I’ll spend all day at your old place and then at your new place. When we’re all done, how about we head out to a bar? Maybe you can buy me a beer.

But that’s just the start. Maybe I’ll need some dry cleaning picked up next Friday. Maybe I need someone to hang out at my house while I’m at work to wait for a package to arrive. Maybe I need five bucks. Maybe I want a bite of your sandwich. What are you going to say no? I gave up a whole weekend to help you move. Come on. Hand it over. Just cut it in half.

And the great thing about these small tiny favors, they’re like an almost indefinite supply. Are you really going to tell me after giving me half a sandwich and buying me a drink that we’re even? Ha! Make sure you get extra mayo on the next one, that bite was a little dry.

Even better, if I ever do decide to move, even if I have been calling on you for favors for the past few months, who do you think I’m going to call to help me out? You. And what are you going to say, no? “Sorry Rob, I’m not going to help you out, even though you helped me out, because you’ve been asking a lot of small requests lately.” Nope. I helped you, you help me. And after you’re done setting that last box down over there in the corner, I’ll be like, “Here man, have a beer. Cheers,” clink, “we’re even.”

The absolute best part, and I’m almost reluctant to even admit this here, it’s almost like a trade secret, but when I’m helping you move, I’m going to act like such a spaz. Knocking into stuff. Almost dropping your lamp. Maybe even dropping your lamp, I don’t know. So I’ll be helping you, yeah, but you’re not going to rely on me to do any of the super heavy lifting. And I’m going to be taking it real slow, like, seriously, do you think this is a priority of mine? Making sure this moving job is done like it’s my stuff?

Having said all of this, seriously, hit me up if you need help moving. You’re probably saying to yourself, “Is this guy nuts? After revealing his true intentions for everybody to read, he thinks I’m going to ask him to help me move?” And the answer is, of course you are. Look around your place. Your couch. Your bed. All of that stuff on your shelves. You’re going to tackle all of that by yourself? You’re really going to say no to an extra pair of hands. Of course you won’t. Because moving sucks. And even though we both know you’re going to owe me big, you’re definitely going to call me up.

That’s what I’m here for man

Please, no need to thank me. Of course I didn’t mind picking you up at three in the morning. You were drinking. What were you supposed to do, drive home? Take a cab? Those taxis are such a rip-off. Not drink so much? Please, what’s the point of going out if you can’t knock a few back. I mean, I wasn’t doing anything. Which worked out perfectly, because I’m here for you man. Let me know, any time, you’re my friend.

Of course I can help you move next Saturday. I’m great at helping people move. Wait, are you asking me to come help lift large items into a truck or do you want me to swing by and actually pack? Both? Yeah, of course that’s fine. That’s why people call me up when they’re moving, because I’m great at it. The best. Of course I have extra boxes and tape. And if we need more I know exactly where we can get some. Sure, yeah, I guess I can just swing by on my way over and pick up some more. Because, yeah, you’re right, it’ll be much easier if I just go myself and save you a trip. Because, please, you’re moving. Moving sucks. You’ve got a lot on your plate, a huge headache.

Yeah let’s totally get together this Friday. Yeah that’s a great idea, let’s all meet up at my place. Yeah I have a ton of leftover beer from last time. I mean, I don’t have as much as I did last time, because we all drank a lot of it, but there is definitely some left over. I could just pick up some more. You guys will throw me a couple of bucks, right? Right, I remember you telling me about that cleaning service last time, but it just seems so expensive. Especially because it’s just us hanging out. Well, how many other people were you thinking of inviting? Well, wouldn’t we need a lot more beer than last time for that type of a party? Yeah, you’re right, I’m sure everybody will bring something, and … no, when you compare it like that, the number of people coming to how much the cleaning service costs, I guess it’s not that bad.

You need a guarantor for your new apartment? I don’t know man, that sounds like a lot of commitment. No, I know you’re good for your rent. But I just feel a little uncomfortable signing my name onto something like that. Because what if you lose your job? No, I know you’re doing OK. I’m not trying to say that … what about your parents, could they sign? They said no? Why? Well, I mean, it kind of matters a little why, to me, especially because you’re asking me to put my finances on the line. Right? And if your parents said no I should at least know why they said no.

Because, I don’t know, I have my own expenses to worry about. Well, yeah, I guess I could lend you five hundred bucks. Yeah, no, I really don’t want to cosign on your apartment. Fine, fine I’ll commit to the five hundred. But you’re good for it, right? Like how long until you’ll be able to get it back to me? Well, when is your cousin supposed to be in touch with you? Well, when is this guy’s company supposed to get up and running? Full-time associate you say? Yeah, that does sound pretty legit. Still, I’d feel more comfortable if … no, you’re right, none of us can accurately predict the future. It’s just that …

Why would you need my social security number? Can’t I just give you five hundred cash? Well then can’t I just fill out the paperwork and send it in myself? I’ve never heard of any bank that insists on anybody personally handing in all of this information, especially for such a small loan. Can I come with you at least? Maybe talk to the banker? Why not? What do you mean not technically a bank? This is all getting to be a little more than I’m really comfortable with.

Yeah I have a Zip Car. No you can’t use it. What do you mean you already used it? Did you return it? No, you have to return it as soon as you’re done with it. They charge by the hour. Because they don’t know if it’s available to rent again unless you tell them. Two days ago. You just took the card out of my wallet. Listen, I know you’re moving, but you can rent a U-Haul for a whole day for like significantly less than what it costs for me to rent a Prius by the hour. Wait a second, please don’t tell me you tried to get furniture in that thing. Jesus. Of course they’re going to be able to link it back to me.

No, yeah, no you’re right. Yeah, I’d do it for you I guess. Just, just let me know next time. Yeah, I’ll still sign. I mean, we’re friends, right? Just, just next time you all go out drinking, just give me a call, I’m always down. No, I won’t even drink. I’ll still be good to be your DD. I know a lot of times I’m sleeping when it’s that late, but only because I don’t have anything to do, so if you call me, I’ll be up and out. Yeah, totally, and no, I really appreciate you not wanting to disturb me, but we’re bros, right? Yeah, you’re not disturbing me, you’re not imposing at all. I mean, what are friends for?