Tag Archives: planet

Our spaceship has a Jesus fish bumper sticker

When the presence of a flourishing, alien civilization was detected via that new high tech orbital satellite, the Christian Brothers United Church knew that they had to bring the word of God to their extraterrestrial brothers and sisters, or, if they had some sort of a different biological gender categorization, that’s fine, they’d work out the terminology later.


And since nobody knows how to raise money like a Bible-belt mega church, it didn’t take long to fund one of those private space shuttle firms to build a rocket capable of transporting them across the galaxy. The demand of willing and able space-missionaries far exceeded the supply, and so church leaders spent months evaluating potential candidates, ultimately selecting a team of twelve of the most devout Christian men and women, ready to be the first human beings to share the Good News beyond the planet Earth.

At least, that’s what they thought. No sooner had they landed on planet Taphregamragon Seven (that was what the aliens named it, not us) did they realize that maybe Jesus had already been here. There were giant crosses on top of all of the biggest buildings, and even though they hadn’t yet had an opportunity to learn the aliens’ language or alphabet, the roadside billboards were almost identical to the ones on Earth telling people to tune into AM Christian radio stations.

And sure enough, as soon as they set up their universal translation systems, all the aliens wanted to talk about was Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. The missionaries were being out-missionaried by the very people they came to missionary. To make matters worse, apparently Jesus had been to Taphregamragon Seven very recently. He told all of the aliens about how quite possibly the worst planet that he tried to save was Earth. It was all in the Taphregamragonian Bible. From the Book of Snalphlaxyngians, Chapter 3, Verse 12:

“And the Lord Jesus said, Seriously, those Earthlings were such assholes. You have no idea. I tried everything. I was peaceful. I was nice. I brought one of my friend’s brothers-in-law back from the dead. And they crucified me. Whatever, I have to love them, I mean, I’m Jesus, but I don’t have to like them, because they sucked.”

And it went on and on like that, book after book. The missionaries were hesitant at first, but after a while they had no choice but to submit to the overwhelming evidence. They’d had it wrong all along. Luckily, the aliens really did embrace the peaceful and loving message of alien Jesus, and so they didn’t try to exact revenge or anything.

Instead, they sent the missionaries back to Earth, with a new mission, to spread the real Good News back to Earth, to show humanity how the Lord’s message had been mangled and misconstrued. Enlightened, the Christonauts returned to their spaceship’s hibernation cells and prepared for the long journey back to our solar system.

Only, in a weird twist of fate, while the missionaries were headed back to Earth, Jesus tried once again to bring his message to mankind. He thought, maybe they’ve evolved. Maybe they’ve learned something in the two thousand years since he was put to death in ancient Rome. Maybe all of those Star Trek episodes about peace and tolerance from the 1960s had some sort of a lasting effect on their culture.

And so next generation Jesus grew up on modern Earth and, when he came of age, he tried to make a name for himself as a twenty-first century spiritual leader. Only, now everybody had the Internet and cell phones, and so every time Jesus tried to say something, everybody just made fun of him online. Someone even took a cell phone video of Jesus getting his hoodie caught in the subway door in New York, and everyone laughed as they watched this animated gif of him getting pulled down the platform, almost but not quite getting his sweatshirt over his head before the train sped out of the station, pulling him all the way from Steinway St. to 36th Ave. in Queens. By the time the paramedics arrived, he was barely alive, with just enough breath in his lungs to say, “Screw you guys, for real, what a bunch of jerks,” before flatlining in the back of the ambulance while it was stuck in traffic on the Grand Central Parkway on the way to Flushing Hospital.

When the space missionaries finally came back to Earth, they were ridiculed for trying to spread the message of a Jesus who, unbeknownst to them, had already come back for a second time, but one who couldn’t get through to our technology obsessed Internet addicted society. The people of Earth thought it was all a joke. They thought that the missionaries were a joke, that new Jesus was a joke, that the alien world was nothing but a stupid, stupid joke.

And so they sent a bunch of warships to conquer the planet. And they did it. The aliens were too peaceful, so they hardly offered up any fight. The whole planet had a ton of resources, and we brought them all back to Earth, where everybody who financed the pillaging got super rich. They were already rich before, but now they were even richer, just permanently consolidating all of their power. And that’s it. That’s the end.

The end.

You’ve got to, like, turn your backyard into a garden, man

I started hanging my clothes out to dry, you know, in the sunlight, to save energy, to go a little easier on Mother Earth. But I forgot that my backyard sprinkler was set on an automatic timer, and so, without really connecting the dots at first, I couldn’t figure out why my clothes wouldn’t dry, even after spending like three or four hours under direct sunlight.


Eventually I had to be somewhere, and I really needed those pants, so I just threw everything in the dryer. And just when I heard that ding go off telling me that the spin-cycle was just about done, I noticed it, the sprinkler popped up out of the ground, I was wasting energy, and water, and sunlight. Can you even waste sunlight? I guess, right, because if my shirts weren’t out there colleting all of those photons, the grass would have used them, right? The grass, my organic heirloom tomatoes. Are they a little hungrier today? I know that sunlight is supposed to be an infinite resource, right, but are there enough direct rays to simultaneously dry my clothes and feed my backyard?

And the water, I’m positive that water is a finite resource, and so I feel even worse, wasting it all on washing my clothes, or, I guess that’s not a waste, because I need to do laundry. But re-wetting them outside with the sprinkler, not only am I stealing sunlight from the plants, but I’m also robbing them of water. Although, I guess in the whole circle of life ecosystem, some of that water probably dripped down from the clothesline to the ground.

But then even after I start to wrap my head around all of the waste, telling myself, don’t worry, it was an accident, I’m still green, I went online, I went to this green blog that I always visit, and there was a picture of this guy in Texas who uprooted his whole lawn and replaced it with a giant vegetable garden. There was a whole gardener’s manifesto, all about how using water and energy on grass is a mega-waste of the earth’s resources.

And I looked out at my own lawn and I thought, that guy’s absolutely right. Nobody eats that grass. Except for my dog, sometimes, not always, but just every once in a while we’ll go outside and he’ll start eating grass, like a goat, grass and fallen leaves. I try yelling at him to stop, but there’s no use, I’m not getting through to him. I looked it up online, “my dog is eating grass,” and all of these pet web sites told me that dogs eat grass to induce vomiting, that it’s a sign of an upset stomach.

Only, my dog didn’t vomit. I’ve noticed that when he’s about to puke, he starts licking the floor, like compulsively, and then sure enough, twenty or thirty of forty licks later, puke. And then he starts eating it, which, yes, I’m sorry, that’s totally gross. But think of everything that we can learn from the dogs, one with nature. They don’t let a scrap of food go to waste, grass, lick, even vomit, they’re all precious resources in the eyes of man’s best friend.

But like I said, he didn’t throw up the grass. I wondered if I’d accidentally stumbled upon some sort of mutant grass, like maybe this stuff is somehow edible. So I harvested about a bowl’s worth and sautéed it with some organic extra virgin olive oil and some organic shallots and garlic that I got, not at a farmer’s market, unfortunately, but it was at a clearly labeled “organic” section at the supermarket, which is fine, in a pinch I guess, as long as my money is going toward sustainable organic farming, that’s cool.

But yeah, the grass was disgusting. It made the whole house smell like the inside of a lawnmower repair shop, like, imagine the guys at the shop heated up a really heavily garlicky lunch in the microwave, that’s what the house smelled like. And when I ate a couple of bites, well, whatever vomiting inducing powers the grass didn’t have on the dog, they definitely worked on me. And so I cleaned myself up, I made sure to save whatever my body couldn’t digest for my dog, because, yeah, it’s gross, again, I apologize for being so graphic, but he ate it, and so it didn’t go to waste, it was good, for him, my dog’ll eat anything.

And after that I committed to tearing up the backyard, because fuck that, lawns, all of that water and sunlight and more water dripping from my sprinkler-soaked clothes drying and re-drying on the clothesline, what does it all mean? Why am I spending all of these precious, precious natural resources on a bunch of inedible blades of grass? No, I tore that whole backyard up.

And then, I don’t know, it’s really hard to keep the weeds away, you know, it’s like a whole blank canvas, that empty yard, all of that overturned grass. It’s like it just kept growing, even though I pulled it all out, it’s like the roots just re-rooted themselves, and also, all of these other weeds, big clumps of crab grass, dandelions. I’ve seen people eat dandelion greens, but I don’t know man, that’s just way too bitter for my palate. But my clothes are definitely dryer. I just set the sprinklers to only go off in the middle of the night. That way it won’t interfere with the drying. The only thing is, you know, if it starts raining in the middle of the night, I won’t be awake to shut off the sprinkler. And so yeah, that’s a huge waste of resources. But I’m doing my best, right? I can only hope that the whole ecosystem can take care of the rest. Because I’m just one dude, just trying my best, the best I can to make a difference, just me and my giant backyard garden and my clothesline full of t-shirts and underwear.