Tag Archives: popcorn

You call this a circus?

Tightrope walking doesn’t seem that hard. It’s just like a field sobriety test, but on a wire. And, you know, except for that wacko that walked across the Twin Towers in the seventies, there are almost always a few nets underneath to catch you in case you mess up and fall. No, I think tightrope walkers get a lot of unnecessary credit. Theatrics? You call that a performance? Come on, you’re holding a giant balance beam. Again, it’s like nets, balance beams, what else do you want, some sort of gyroscopic stabilizer? You’d have to get up pretty early to sell me any tickets to a tightrope walking show. And then you’d have to duck out of work even earlier, because as soon as I realized what I’d bought, I’d be right back on line looking for a full refund.


And those guys that ride their motorcycles in those enclosed spheres? Please. That’s not a stunt. A stunt would be if the motorcycle was on fire, or if the motorcycles somehow didn’t have any wheels. But three guys on three motorcycles? One, that’s not exciting at all, and two, it’s so loud. Like, I’m watching probably one of the most boring shows on earth, and to top it all off, I’ve got to sit here with my hands covering my ears to show everybody else in attendance just how loud I think it is. Besides, isn’t space-time supposed to be curved anyway? So riding inside a ball should be pretty standard if you ask me.

The clown car? Really? That’s just not safe. How do you train all of those guys to fit in such a tiny vehicle? What if something goes wrong, like what if that car catches on fire before they’re all done with the act? Are you really going to feel good about yourself having watched them all struggle to get out of there, some of them horribly burned, most of them having perished, but not before clawing and elbowing all of their friends in a futile last-minute attempt to escape?

True, the elephants look pretty convincing. But you think about what kind of an elephant lets itself get captured for a circus, I’m thinking it’s got to be the shrimpiest elephants in the herd. No, when I go see a show, I want to see the best. I’m not spending money on easy pickings. It’s like when I buy steak, I don’t want some domesticated cow, no, I want the one the killed the matador with his dying breath.

You call this stuff snacks? I’ve had better popcorn at the movie theater. Way too much salt, not enough butter, you’d think a circus would figure out how to do popcorn, but no, it’s terrible, I want the cotton candy to be fresh, not something out of a plastic bag, and if the vendor guy can’t figure out a way to bring the cotton candy machine along with him, then he might as well switch to candy apples. And come on, is that Pepsi? I hate Pepsi. Who doesn’t sell Coke?

I’m just saying, if you’re going to swallow a whole sword, it kind of defeats the purpose to just pull it back out. Anybody could push a sword down a throat. I mean, I could totally do it. I’m not going to, no, but if I did, I’d make sure to finish it up and wait for it to come out naturally. Yeah, you show me someone who can do that, I’ll call the papers, that’d be a circus. But this clown, and the flame eater guy, one time I was camping and I toasted this marshmallow that caught fire, and I ate it, it was fine, the inside of my mouth was wet and nothing got burnt.

So, no thanks, I don’t want to go to the circus, that sounds really boring. Ask your mother, maybe she’ll take you, but she’s probably tired from watching you run around playing soccer all day. Oh big deal, you scored a goal. You really think it’s that difficult to get a ball past another ten year old? That kid was practically asleep. Who’s coaching you guys? Did any of you even break a sweat?

I’m not here to judge anybody

I’m not here to judge anybody. Except for that guy sitting up front with the big cowboy hat. Hey pardner, we don’t wear cowboy hats around these parts. And even where they do, how is that at all acceptable? Like you don’t think anybody wants to see what’s going on up front? Maybe you could’ve taken a seat in the back? I’m just putting it out there, take a look around, nobody else is wearing anything even close to as big as what you’ve got on your head.

And again, I don’t want to judge, but what’s the point of a cowboy hat? You know, besides the dramatic increase in perceived head size. Maybe, take it off inside? It just seems like it would be a nice gesture, again, I don’t want to harp on it here, but front seat? Cowboy hat? Come on man, that’s just rude. Aren’t southern people supposed to be known for their good manners? Because I can’t think of anything less polite than still not having the decency to move, or at least take your hat off, after me going on and on about not being able to see.

It’s fine, it’s just, I hope you don’t mind complaining, the sound of me complaining during the whole movie. Or plastic crinkling or popcorn being chewed. You want to play passive aggressive? Yeah, well, I’m playing aggressive aggressive.  How much did that thing cost, like two hundred bucks? Do you have to get it professionally cleaned? It just comes off as silly. You look silly, you look like a big silly cowboy going to the movies and sitting right up front.

Hey, maybe if you sat all the way in the back, your hot could block the projector, and then nobody would be able to see anything. This is a free country, right? I’m just saying that maybe you could get in the way of everybody’s movie experience if you wear an even bigger cowboy hat, right? Like what is that, a ten gallon hat? Maybe go for the twenty, fifty, do they make hundred gallon cowboy hats?

You could get one so big that it envelops your whole body, OK, and then you’d be sitting inside the cowboy hat, and it would still be big enough to block everybody else’s view. And then you could poke a little hole in the back, you’d take a seat right in front of the projector, like I was talking about before, and there you go, problem solved, now it’s your movie, now it’s projecting only on the movie screen that you’ve got set up on the inside of your oversized hat.

No you be quiet, ma’am. If Yosemite Sam over here is allowed to come to theater and impose his big hat on everybody else, then I’m allowed to sit here and talk and complain and put way too much popcorn in my mouth and start showering the back of this guy’s cowboy hat with little half-chewed up pieces of popcorn.

What’s wrong Hoss? You got a problem? That’s pretty annoying right? Having to keep brushing off the sides of that hat? Keep scooping out all of those little popcorn bits from the sides? And what the hell’s a guy like you doing at a movie like this anyway? John Wayne’s not in this movie. This isn’t a Clint Eastwood production. Why don’t you go and see if there aren’t any other movies that might more suit …

Ow! What the hell man? You can’t just flick me like that! Way to take it to the next level buddy. Yeah, well, you’re not allowed to hit me. It was a hit. You touched me, man, you crossed the line. Yeah well, just take off the hat. Bro, just take off the hat. Just, just take off …

There you go. Oh … Oh my God. What is that? A goiter? What do you have like an iodine deficiency? Hey man, I’m really sorry. Yeah, put the hat back on, that looks incredibly … just … I’m just … Oh God, some things you can’t unsee. I’m really sorry pardner. That was really uncalled for, on my part. I can’t believe you held your shit together so well, considering all the verbal harassment I was, I was just, man, and to think I only got off with a flick. A little flick. And all that popcorn, it’s all stuck in the material. Yeah, Jesus man, I’m really sorry, I …

No you shut up ma’am! I’m trying to apologize here! Did you see that guy’s head? Well just chill out, all right? This movie sucks anyway, you just know they’re both going to die in like half an hour. No, I didn’t spoil anything, I’m just guessing. I’m just, this whole trope isn’t that original, just sit down. You want some popcorn? Sir? I’m talking to you now, sir. Again, I’m really sorry, just have some popcorn, just, just take the whole bag, I’m … Jesus.