Tag Archives: promotion

I deserve a promotion

I want a promotion so badly. Johnson got a promotion over a year ago, and we started like two weeks apart. And now that I think about it, I think it was me who started first. Or I interviewed first. It doesn’t matter, except that he got the promotion, and I definitely want one too. I didn’t even know he was up for a promotion. Real nice of him to let me know there was one up for grabs.

Fuck, Maggie got a promotion like last week, and she definitely didn’t start until like six months ago. What the hell man? Part of me has a mind to just barge into the boss’s office, I want to be like, “Boss, that’s it. I want a promotion right now, or I’m walking.” But that’s a little too aggressive, right? It’s like, I don’t know how to approach these situations.

And we haven’t even really talked, the boss and me, not since the old boss’s retirement party. What a fucking mountain out of a molehill, excuse the cliché, but that’s exactly what it was. I showed up, it was just in the conference room, right? And he wasn’t even half a day away from taking the reigns of the business and he’s like, “You! Hey! You! Where’s your tie? Show some respect!”

I didn’t even know what to think, how to respond. I was wearing slacks and a button-down. Nobody on four wears ties. Come on. And I probably should have just faded into the background, yeah, I wasn’t even that close with the old boss anyway, but, and maybe it’s because I wasn’t really aware that this guy was going to be the new boss, like I was aware of it, but my mind hadn’t made the official connection yet, and I was like, “Come on man! We never wear ties on four!”

And I know how it looked, like I was double-fisting those beers, but I wasn’t. I always do that at those corporate open bars, I get there early, I grab two beers, then I wait for the line to get really long and I’ll go up to somebody way in the back, somebody I haven’t necessarily talked to in a little while, and I’ll be like, “Hey! Long time no see, huh? Hey I got you a beer!”

But I kind of botched that this time around, I went up to this guy Phil, I hadn’t talked to him since orientation, like way back, and I was like, “Phil!” and right away, like before I even got a chance to really say hi, he just kind of puts his hand up, “I don’t drink.” OK, fine, don’t drink, but let me say hi at least. How did he know I was going to offer him a beer?

That’s what I was thinking, in my head I was like, who the hell does this guy think he is? So I took a sip out of each beer, just to be like, I don’t know what you’re talking about Phil, you don’t drink, fine, this beer wasn’t for you, I’m drinking double. That’s right, I’m double-fisting.

And that’s when I got called out on the no-tie thing, and after I told him that we never wear ties on four, he actually did call me out on the double-fisting. And so, yeah, I get how it looked, but there was more to it. There was a whole thing going on, with Phil, with the beers.  I started to tell him and he just walked away, fine, whatever, that’s not exactly a quality I would personally look for in a potential successor, but I’m sure the old boss had his reasons.

That’s when my friend Greg came up, one of my friends down on four, and he was like, “Hey man!” and I held him out that beer, whatever, I only took a little sip just before to show Phil, but it wasn’t that big of a sip, and Greg didn’t care, he was like, “Thanks man! You’re the fucking best!” Which was great, Greg’s a great guy, although I couldn’t help but notice he was wearing a tie, which I found kind of surprising.

And it’s ridiculous because Greg got promoted like three months ago. Greg! I need a promotion. It’s really not fair at all. All because of one corporate cocktail party? One no-tie situation? I was like three beers deep, and that’s another thing, why have an open bar if you’re just going to stand around and judge your employees for taking advantage of it? But whatever, all of the sudden the new boss showed up, “Here, put this on,” it was this old, like old green tie. It was like permanently warped, I don’t even know where he found this thing. It was green and slimy looking, like a dead garden snake.

“I don’t want to put that on, you’re not the boss,” not yet he wasn’t. Like I said, that hadn’t yet sunk in fully, I probably should have chosen my words a little more carefully, I could’ve been like, “You’re not the boss, yet.” And that was when my open bar trick kind of got me in trouble, right as I was arguing about the tie, Greg came back with four more beers, two for him, two more for me, and I was already holding two.

The boss put the tie in his pocket and told us both to leave immediately, to which Greg laughed and said, “You’re not the boss yet, get out of here,” and then he walked over to the old boss and got him a beer also. And the new boss just stood there in the corner for a while and scowled.

But it’s like, come on, you’re going to hold a grudge for that long? Can I please just have a promotion? I’ve been down on four for forever. Come on, I’ll start wearing a tie. Greg, you can put in a good word for me, right Greg? Greg? Does Greg still work here? You know, the big fat guy with the shirt always sort of untucked? No? He got fired? When? I thought he got promoted. How come nobody tells me anything around here? Am I on the email lists? Do I still work here?

Carpe diem, baby

Go out there and get them. Or get ‘em, I guess. Take the world by storm. Today is your day, so go out and seize it, carpe diem baby, hasta la vista. Make no mistake about it, this is your chance, your opportunity to grab this life by the balls, to sneak up on life from behind with a gun, to point that gun at its head and say, “Don’t move, life, just hand it over.” And then you take it and run.

Don’t send out any resumes. Just show up for work. Find out where you want to be employed, walk straight into that building (it’s got to be early in the day) find out which office is the boss’s office, then march right in there and lock the door behind you. Start going through all of the files, any papers lying around the desk, familiarize yourself with everything, the numbers, the business, and that way when that boss comes to work, when he tries to open the door, but it’s locked, when his keys don’t work because you put a bunch of chewed up gum in the keyhole, (put a bunch of chewed up gum in the keyhole) when he starts acting like a baby and going down to security and demanding that they break down the door, when they finally get it open, look up from your desk, from your papers, pretend like you’re on an important call, no, call up somebody, make that really important call a reality, put your hand over the receiver and act very annoyed and say something like, “What the hell is all of this commotion? Why are you in my office? Security, get rid of this clown! And where’s my secretary? Janice! Get me somebody to clean all of this chewed up gum out of my doorknob!”

And then the boss will probably start screaming, getting all pissed off like, “Me get out of your office? Security!” but by this point you’ll have already made your case, you’ll have seized the day – carpe diem baby! – you’ll sound in charge, you’ll be acting in charge, and look at this boss, standing there like an idiot with his jaw to the floor, “Me get out of your office?” he might repeat to himself, at which point the security guard might also be a little confused, so take advantage of this moment, this opportunity, stand up halfway out of your chair and scream, “Security! Are you going to get rid of this bozo or am I going to have to hire a new security guard to throw the both of you out of my office? and he’ll stammer something like, “Y-y-yes sir, right away sir,” grabbing the real boss by his neck and throwing him, in fact, out of his own office, out of his own building.

Then just fucking own it. As soon as that’s taken care of, get up, slam the door behind you (chew more gum, shove it even further in there) announce loudly to your secretary without looking him or her in the eye, or even so much as facing his or her direction, “Hold all of my calls. I’m taking a long lunch.” Then kind of turn halfway, still not facing anybody in particular, and say, “Somebody give me a company credit card, I lost mine,” count to three, and then scream, “Now!”

Look at that, you seized that day, you just got that job, a promotion even, and an extended lunch break, all rolled into one mega opportunity. Now you have to seize this lunch break, carpe the corporate credit card. Go to a steak place. Walk right in. Pause at the hostess stand, like you’re considering it, the craziness of it all, you, the boss of your own company, like you’re going to stand around like an idiot and have some hostess tell you where to sit, wait for her to open her mouth to say hi. As soon as she makes a sound, march right past her and sit yourself at the biggest table.

When somebody comes over asking you to move to a smaller table, start ordering steaks, medium rare, ten steaks, order some iced teas, keep saying “Extra lemon, extra lemon,” over and over again, when the iced tea comes out, it doesn’t matter how many lemons they give you, ask for even more, tell them you want slices of lemon with absolutely no seeds, not even one seed, and then don’t even touch those lemons, put them on the tablecloth so as to display the fact that you haven’t even considered using them, and come on, iced tea? Don’t drink that iced tea. Ask for a Diet Coke. When they bring it over, knock it to the floor and ask for a regular Coke. When the steaks come, take a bite out of each one, chew half, spit the other half out, send them all back, only leave a seven percent tip, scream at that hostess on your way out that this is no way to run a business, that this is no way to treat your guests, and how dare you look at me like that! You should be ashamed of yourself! Carpe diem baby!