Tag Archives: Quarters

New hundreds

They just updated the hundred-dollar bill. It’s got this holographic strip on the front, Ben Franklin’s profile is a little bigger, and on the back there is a giant 100 printed at the end. I hadn’t heard that the hundred was getting a makeover, but I never hear about these things. When new currency is rolled out, it’s like it’s done all at once, there’s never any forewarning.

new hundred

One day it’s old hundreds, and the next day I’m at work and someone pays in cash, and I see the new hundred, I immediately recognize it as something different, but I don’t question it, I’m not like calling out to my boss, “Hey boss, is this a new hundred? Is this a real thing?” no, he’d be like, “Rob, please don’t waste any more of my time than you have to, OK?”

I just think it’s crazy because, what’s stopping someone else from making their own new hundreds? You know, besides federal laws and stuff. I’m just saying, if you’re going to make counterfeit bills, wouldn’t it make more sense to make up an entirely new design and then hope that people like me simply won’t question anything?

And then the next day, I see more new hundreds, every time one of my coworkers gets a new bill, they’re like, “Oh my God, a new hundred. Did you see this?” and in my head I’m thinking, do you really have to announce that? Who are you talking to? But then I remember my reaction the first time I saw one, I think it was identical, I held it up for whoever happened to be standing next to me and I was like, “Ooh, look at this.”

How much longer is paper currency going to be a thing? Don’t get me wrong, nothing in life feels better than having a gigantic wad of rolled up cash bulging out of your front pocket, but I can’t really foresee where it’s all going to go. I’m talking, each upgrade in bills has featured some cool new technology. When I was a little kid, it was those cotton strips only visible when held up to the light. Then watermarks, gold foil, now holograms.

Why the need to keep changing the money every few years? I’m guessing that it’s all an effort to stop counterfeiting. Which, since the US dollar is basically the global currency, it’s got to be like the Holy Grail for every nefarious criminal operation. As sophisticated technology becomes more and more accessible to everyone else, you’ve got to think that eventually the Treasury is going to throw its hand up in the air and admit defeat.

And what are they changing, really? It’s all minor, cosmetic details. I say, if you’re going to change the money, we should like really change it, get all of those old Presidents and whatever Ben Franklin and Alexander Hamilton were and replace them with some fresh faces. Obviously the Republicans are going to want to put Reagan on everything. They’re still pissed off that FDR got the dime.

But what about maybe some novelty currency? I remember when the second Fantastic Four movie came out, some marketing company got in trouble for making a bunch of quarters with the Silver Surfer on the back. You can check them out on Ebay, I think they regularly fetch pretty high bids. But why does it have to be mostly Founding Fathers? Maybe we could put Bryan Cranston on something, you know, to commemorate the last time that our country was united over anything, in this case, everybody loved Breaking Bad. And then we could put Walt Jr. on the nickel, Hank would definitely make a great limited edition fifty-cent piece.

ff quarter

Nah, let’s just wait, fifty years from now, it’s definitely going to be Obama. Who do you think is going to lose their spot? If I had to guess, I’d say Andrew Jackson. That guy is always looked to as a badass, but more and more, history is showing us that he was super racist and a little too bloodthirsty.

Finally, every time they introduce new money, it always starts its way with the hundred, then trickles down to the fifty, the twenty, the ten, the five, and then nothing. Come on, don’t you think it’s about time we had a new one dollar bill? It’s the odd man out here. You never see old fives or tens anymore, but every single dollar bill looks like it’s out of a time machine. Maybe the cost isn’t worth the trouble, but I say, let’s just do it, let’s make a new one-dollar bill. And let’s put Obama on that one also.

I’m totally serious here, I swear

Did you guys know that I correctly predicted that Barack Obama would win the 2008 presidential election? Sure, you might be saying to yourself that it’s not a big deal. Some might even say it was pretty obvious. But I correctly predicted the results in 1998, when I was still in the eighth grade, when Barack Obama was just recently elected to the Illinois State Senate. Looking back on how things unfolded, correctly, exactly how I said they would, I really should have made more of an effort to publicize my premonition. But I didn’t.

I can tell you’re all a little skeptical. Here, I can prove it. I wrote the following in one of my notebooks, in 1998, over thirteen years ago, word for word:

“This is really weird. I just had a dream where it was 2008 and this guy named Barack Obama won the presidency. He beat Senator John McCain. I wonder if my dream was real. Will this really happen? Should I tell somebody? Call a newspaper reporter? Nah, I think I’m just going to sit here and listen to my new Korn CD. These guys are great. Maybe I’ll call up Spin Magazine and predict that Korn is going to be the number one band of my generation.”

You see? I told you so. I can kind of understand your inclination to doubt me. And in case you think I just made up that quote, well then why would I have included the lame-ass Korn reference? That’s because that excerpt is real, embarrassingly dated band reference and all. I await your apologies.

Did you guys know that last night at work, I was standing around bullshitting with some of my coworkers, when one of them took four quarters out of his pocket? He held out his arm and bent his elbow up, so his hand was by his ear. He took the four quarters and stacked them on top of his forearm. He then swung his whole arm down in one motion. I flinched, just waiting for one of the quarters to go flying in my face, but after a minute, I opened my eyes and he was just standing there smiling. He had caught all of the quarters. It was amazing and everyone was patting him on the back and telling him how cool of trick that was.

So I got an even better idea. I took all of the cash out my pocket and had them changed into quarters. I gathered everyone around and stacked the coins up on my arm, just like he did. I didn’t even count how much money it was, but the stack had to be like at least three feet high. And that’s a pretty impressive story right there, just the fact that I was able to balance all of those quarters. But it gets better.

I said, “OK boys, everybody ready?” and everyone said to me, “Rob, hold up a second. We’ve all got a bad feeling about this. Just think about what your doing. This is impossible!” and I just shouted, “Now!” and I swung my arm down, just like that other guy. And when I told you that I had flinched the first time, that was nothing compared to how everybody reacted here. One guy curled up into the fetal position on the floor. Talk about overreacting.

Anyway, after a minute, everybody started opening their eyes. One guy crawled out from behind a counter. And I was just standing there, but the quarters were gone. Not only had I caught all of them, but I had somehow cashed them back in for dollar bills. I was just standing there with the bills all spread out in my hand, and I was fanning my face with them, like it was no big deal. Someone started a slow clap, just like on TV, and pretty soon the whole place was just drowned out in applause.

I’m serious! I swear! Look, here’s a text message one of my coworkers sent to me later that night, proving that it happened.

“Holy shit Rob! That trick you did with the quarters … that was unbelievable! I told all of my friends and family members but nobody believes me! Can you come over my house and show my mom? Please? Please? I’ll do anything! Also, thanks for letting me borrow your Preparation H. I can’t believe I forgot mine at home. I owe you one man!”

You see? That just proves it. Because, why would I include such an embarrassing anecdote about hemorrhoid cream if not just to prove to you how true the first part was. I’m serious! Just ask anybody that I work with! I’m not lying!