Tag Archives: speech

First words on Mars

I’m always thinking about what my first words are going to be when I step off of the shuttle that takes me to the Martian surface. “Remember Rob,” I can hear my flight trainers words echoing in my memory, “You’re about to be the first human being to ever step foot on Mars. Your words will be immortalized. I’d put some serious thought into what you want to say.”

mars astronaut

And the ship’s doors will open, I’ll walk out, my foot hitting the red soil, and I’ll shout out, “Yee-haw! I’m on Mars! Fuck yeah mothafucka! I’m on fucking Mars! Mars baby! Ho. Lee. Shit! Mo! Ther! Fu! King! Mars! Who’s on Mars? I’m on Mars! Maaaaaaaaars!”

At this point, I’m expecting my second in command to be a little confused, she’ll be worried, she’ll be like, “Captain? Are you OK? Captain?” but I’ll just be running in huge circles around the landing site, kicking up clouds of red dirt, screaming the whole time in celebration. She’ll wonder if the long journey, the months spent in isolation, if they’ve finally caught up to me somehow. Is this space madness?

“Captain!” she’ll try to get my attention, to warn me that I shouldn’t be acting so reckless, the cartwheels, the handstands, that I might puncture my space suit, that we’ve gone too far for me to jeopardize the entire mission with any accidents I might incur as a result of my laying on the ground making Martian dust-angels.

And yeah, I know, it takes something like half an hour for communications to reach the earth, and so everyone at home would be patiently awaiting the news, all of the TV stations would have gotten rid of that seven second delay that they use for other live events, because, come on, who would expect such a crazy speech from a professional astronaut? And little kids would be gathered around their living rooms, they’d hear me go, “Fuck yeah! Mars!” over and over again.

And they’d go to school the next day and they’d be going nuts, sitting in their classrooms, everybody parroting my speech, “Fuck yeah teacher!” they’d be running their own circles around the desks, “I’m Captain Rob! I’m on fucking Mars!” and what could the teachers possibly say? You’re going to stand up there and tell little kids not to curse? Why? The first person to ever step foot on Mars, he’s up there right now, he’s probably still cursing.

So she’d give up on pointlessly trying to censor everything that comes out of her students’ mouths. Everybody would, parents, the government, nobody would care about cursing anymore. They’d lift any restrictions about what you’re allowed and not allowed to say on TV. “From now on,” the chairman of the FCC would make an announcement, “You’re allowed to say whatever the fuck you want.”

And so I’ll have ushered in two new chapter of human history with one dramatic speech, and centuries from now, when human beings are living in space colonies throughout the galaxy, they’ll look back, to the first generation of astronauts. And because we’ll be so comparatively close together, they’ll look at Neil Armstrong and they’ll think, well, the moon’s not that big of a journey. But Mars. That’s huge. Also, Armstrong tried to say something big and grand, but he botched it.

And then they’ll look at me, my recording will be timeless, the whole, “Yee haw!” thing really tapping into the human spirit, and it’ll also be the first time that humans were allowed to say fuck on broadcast television. I really hope NASA accepts my application to be an astronaut.

Beyonce and Obama: An Inaugural Disgrace

Did you guys hear that Beyonce lip-synched the national anthem at Barack Obama’s inauguration? I’m physically ill just thinking about it. Hold on. OK, I held it back. But that was tough. Wait, it’s coming back. OK, I’m good. Wait. No. Wait. All right, I think it’s passed.

On inauguration day. What a travesty. What a mockery. Of America! Do you know that she didn’t even write that song? Come on, you’re going to sing a cover at the swearing in of the President? What’s wrong with you, Beyonce? Don’t you have any pride? Don’t you care about performing, about originality, about the President? About America?

And that was just Beyonce. Obama’s performance that whole day was just as disgraceful. Did you see the parade? Him and his wife walking down the street? Obama kept smiling and waving. Who was he waving at? Do you think he personally knows anybody that he was waving to? What a phony. Get rid of this hack. If I’m walking down the street, I don’t just start waving at random people. It’s so fake.

And the smiling? Is anybody that genuinely happy for that continuous a stretch of time? There’s no way his or the first lady’s smiles were real, not a hundred percent of the time. I’m sorry, but America deserves a President that doesn’t have to fake being happy. Fake smile. Fake wave. Fake national anthem.

Oh yeah, and that speech he gave? Pre-written. Read off of a teleprompter. What is this, Saturday Night Live? I expect my President to get out there and speak, from the cuff, off the cuff, from the heart. He shouldn’t have to think ahead about what he needs to say. Blah blah blah America. Blah blah blah we the people. Not leaving anything to chance are you Mr. President?

And speaking of fake speeches. Did you watch the speech on TV? Well guess what? That wasn’t the President you heard pretending to make a speech. It was your TV. You were looking at a screen. That voice? It’s just a pair of speakers. You’re going to let some stupid machine that you bought at a department store tell you how excited it is to lead the nation forward? I didn’t think so.

Oh, but you went to DC to hear the speech in person? Sorry, that wasn’t the President either. That was a whole sound system of speakers and PAs all laid out along the periphery of the mall. That wasn’t really his voice you were hearing, it was a facsimile of his voice, amplified by even more machines. You didn’t hear Abe Lincoln making some machine do his speech making for him. No, he stood there and he screamed so that everybody could hear him. Why wasn’t Obama screaming? Couldn’t you at least fake scream? A total lack of enthusiasm. It’s like the one thing he forgot to pretend to do was to pretend to care.

This guy is the worst President our country has ever had. And he’s up there and he’s fake smiling. You ever see that guy’s teeth? They’re way too perfect. Are you telling me that that is his natural smile? Absolutely no way. I’m sure he’s had at least a couple of fillings, maybe some bridge work. What a phony! He can’t even get up there and flash a natural smile. You know what George Washington had? Wooden teeth, like a real man, like a real American. Sure it was disgusting, and nobody wanted to stand too close to him, because not only was it unsightly, but toothpaste hadn’t been invented yet, so all of those gross gum abscesses, they really just kept the General at a distance. But nobody doubted his sincerity, his love of country, his devotion to the Constitution. Sure, you couldn’t always understand him, because, again, the wooden teeth, and when he sang the national anthem, well, I don’t think it was written until much later, but whatever, it was garbled and all of those guys were always kind of drunk anyway, but that’s the way it was, that was the safest thing to drink back then, booze, everything else might of had cholera or typhoid. But those guys, those men, Washington, Lincoln, they were the real deal. Not like this pretty boy Obama with his fancy fake speeches and his pretend national anthem and his microphones and his overcoats. You didn’t see Jefferson wearing an overcoat. And why doesn’t Obama wear a powdered wig? Too good for tradition?

Four more years boys and girls. Four more years until we can get a real inauguration with a real singer and a real speech. I mean, really.