Tag Archives: thank you

Hey Derek Jeter, thanks a lot man

I’m not a Yankee fan, but I’m really going to miss Derek Jeter. He’s not only a great baseball player. He’s a great person. A lot of my friends have heard this story already, but one time Derek Jeter gave me twenty bucks. I was out with some buddies and we saw Jeter headed our way. And I thought, I wonder how he’ll react if I just walk up to him and ask him for some money? So I did, I say, “Hey Derek, can I have twenty bucks?” and he looked kind of confused, but yeah, he took out his wallet and gave me twenty bucks. That was such a nice thing to do, and I’ll never forget it.


Another time, years later, I was walking in the city and, stupid me, I had my eyes locked onto my cell phone. I know, it’s stupid, I’m getting in everyone’s way, not paying attention to where I’m going. But most importantly, it’s just not safe. And boy did I learn my lesson that day. I was crossing some street when I heard the loud blare of a horn. When I looked up from my phone, I saw a truck, a giant truck, it was coming at me, fast. I couldn’t react, I only had just enough time to register in my head that, this was it, I’m dead, there’s nothing I can do. Just then, someone shoved me, hard. As I fell to the ground, I’m not even kidding, the truck just missed me. Like I could feel the wind as it barreled through the light. And guess who was on top of me? Guess who had pushed me out of the way? It was Derek Jeter. He saved my life. “You better be careful man!” he said to me as he walked away.

It’s like, sometimes I wonder if maybe Derek Jeter isn’t my guardian angel or something. A couple of years after that, I was caught in traffic, like really, really bad traffic. The lights kept changing, and people kept honking their car horns, but we weren’t moving at all. Finally, this limo right ahead of me, the back door opened up and Derek Jeter steps out. Number two walked right into the middle of the intersection and he started giving all of these crazy hand signals, pointing at this car, holding his fist open at mine. I’m totally serious here, traffic let up immediately. I have no idea how he did it. I hope he wound up getting to wherever it was he was going that day, because if it weren’t for him, I’d probably still be stuck in that jam.

A couple of months ago, I changed my doctor. The new doctor wanted me to go through this allergy testing at a lab somewhere off site. I didn’t really see the point, but I went anyway. I thought, what could it hurt? And it turned out that I had celiac disease. “Really?” I asked the doctor. “I can’t eat gluten anymore?” And just as I was settling in to the idea of having to go gluten free, thinking about how much more difficult life was going to be from here on out, guess who happened to be walking by the door? It was Derek Jeter. “Sorry to interrupt guys,” he said, popping his head in. “It’s just that, I couldn’t help but hearing about that gluten allergy, and I think you may have mixed up this patient’s charts.” The doctor stopped for a second and then said, “You know what? I think you’re right. I can’t believe I mixed that up. How did you spot that?” And Derek Jeter just said, “Well, playing pro baseball, you learn a lot about paying attention to really small details during long stretches of time.”

Derek, I can’t thank you enough for coming to my aid so many times throughout the course of my life. And these are only a few of the stories that I know about. Who knows? Maybe you’ve helped me out even more behind my back. I really appreciate it, Derek. I know that you’ve got a really busy life, but it’s nice to know that you go out of your way to look out for your fellow man.

Not like A-Rod. I’ve heard that he’s such a dick in real life. I mean, I don’t have any personal anecdotes to either confirm or deny, but he just kind of looks like a jerk, don’t you think? Not you, Derek. You’re the real deal: you look like a really nice guy, and based on my experiences, you are a really nice guy. Thank you.

I’m so grateful

I’m so grateful on Thanksgiving. I’m grateful for Thanksgiving. I hate going to work on Thursdays, so it’s really nice to not have to show up. I’m really grateful for all of the gratitude I feel, mostly just today, because it’s Thanksgiving, and I really want to be true to the spirit of the holiday, extra thankful. I always say thank you, in general, but on Thanksgiving, I say it at least three times, sometimes more. Like even though I hate the idea of shopping on Thanksgiving or consumerism on Thanksgiving, there’s always at least one part of the day where I’m either driving to my in-laws’ house, or to my grandfather’s house, I always stop at Dunkin’ Donuts, probably because it’s the only place that’s really open for business, I get an extra large coffee, some donuts, even though I don’t need donuts at all, it’s just that I love Dunkin’ Donuts’ donuts, I’m so grateful for them, and after I pay, I tell the cashier, “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you …” at least a dozen times, a baker’s dozen, even though Dunkin’ Donuts only gives you a regular, non-baker’s dozen, but whatever, I’m grateful for that too, knowing that, at Dunkin’ Donuts, you know exactly what you’re getting when you say, “Give me a dozen, thanks.” Extra thanks.


I’m grateful for the twist ties on the loaves of bread that you buy at the grocery store. I know it seems like a pretty trivial thing to be thankful for, but I’m thankful for everything, especially the little stuff, especially on Thanksgiving, and even more especially since I started buying six-packs of Thomas’ English muffins. They’re awesome, I’m so grateful to be able to go out and buy them, to have them for breakfast, I’m grateful for my toaster, it’s so reliable, I remember when we were shopping for a toaster, I told my wife, “It has to be an Oster brand appliance,” which, I don’t really know where I got that from. Did I mention that I’m really grateful for my wife? It’s just that, somewhere along the line, the idea planted itself in my head that, if I buy any appliance, it has to be Oster. It’s the gold standard of all appliances. And so my wife wanted this Kitchen-Aid toaster, it had a lot more functions, it was cheaper. But no, I insisted on the classic Oster toaster, exactly what you’d imagine a toaster to look like. Like, if you went into any random kindergarten class and told the kids, “All right kids, draw a picture of a toaster,” they’d all draw it more or less looking exactly like ours. Except there’s usually that one kid that insists on drawing Batman or Spider-Man, but whatever.

Wasn’t I talked about twist ties? I’m grateful for them. They’re super useful. I’m not grateful for the plastic tabs that come with the English muffins. I can never bunch up the plastic in such a way as to get it fully cinched, it’s impossible, and the more I try to maneuver everything in place, it starts bending, finally it loses its structural integrity, so even if you somehow manage to get it closed up, it all slowly starts to unfold. Whatever, that’s a petty thing to bring up on a Thanksgiving blog post, all of this stuff about gratitude. I guess I should just say that I’m grateful that I know the difference between twist ties and tab ties, and that I’m thankful that I understand that the twist ties are awesome and the tab ties are terrible.

Going back to Oster appliances for just one second, I was thinking about this one time we needed to buy a blender, and even though I kept saying, listen to me, it has to be Oster, you’ll be grateful later, I lost the argument, we bought some off brand. It lasted like a month, not even, I think we made half a round of margaritas before it broke, no warranty, nothing. I always used to get so mad thinking back on that experience, but it’s Thanksgiving, and I’m trying to be grateful, and so yeah, I guess I am thankful we bought that piece of garbage, if only to prove my point that you simply have to buy Oster, every single time. So yeah, I’m very grateful. I’m so lucky and thankful to be able to be so grateful and appreciative.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thank you, thank you, please, sit down

Nobody get up. Please. Well, since you’re already up. Thank you. I’m honored, really. Please, everybody, take a seat. Stop throwing those roses. Come on, I’m going to blush! Save the flowers. Wow, those are a lot of flowers. Everybody brought flowers? And you’re all throwing them? Did you guys all coordinate how you’d throw them, not all at once? This is like a continuous cascade. Like, if I were in your spot, and I had brought a bunch of roses, I’d start throwing them immediately. But this is amazing, like a nonstop wave of flowers, it’s beautiful.

But, all right, enough already! Please, sit down everybody. How are you all still clapping? I haven’t even noticed a break in the applause, not even with all of the roses being thrown. I would have imagined it impossible to simultaneously sustain such a prolonged round of applause while at the same time reaching for the flowers and throwing them on stage. We only have two hands, right? But this is incredible, it’s like, I haven’t noticed any change in the intensity of the clapping at all.

Seriously, where are all of these flowers coming from? I’m humbled. Really, I never dreamed, but it’s just … logistically, where did you get all of these flowers? I’m like ankle deep right now. There are only maybe two or three florists even somewhat close, did everybody call in advance or something? Hello. Yes, we’d like to order dozens upon dozens of roses. No, even more. Well call up your florist buddies from out of state and have everything trucked in.

And there aren’t even any thorns. I’ve never waded knee deep in long-stemmed roses before, but I would’ve imagined at least one thorn. You’re telling me that whatever florists prepared these flowers, they’ve managed to cut off every single thorn? And the precision in which they’re all trimmed. It’s a testament, really, to the profession. To the flowers. To you, to all of you, thank for coming out, thank you for your standing ovation, thank you for stopping the clapping, for a minute, just one second, sit down, please, can anybody even hear me over all of this applause? Or does it just look like I’m basking in the extended cheering, the whistling, and still, the roses, I’m just at a loss for words. I’m actually getting slightly uncomfortable, because I’m looking out at all of you, but I can’t even make out any individual audience members actually throwing roses. Because, from my perspective they’re all just flying right at me, and that, combined with the spotlights, which are actually a lot hotter than I would have thought, but I’m just getting glimpses of you, here and there, and I have to say all of this noise is pretty deafening.

Look, I’m happy you’re all happy for me. Trust me, I’m happy too! I’m really, really happy to be here. I’m really thrilled, honored. I’d just, this is all, well, I’m overwhelmed. I think I’m starting to have a panic attack. I’ve never found myself bombarded by such a constant wave of unusual stimuli. The applause, it doesn’t even sound like applause anymore. It’s just white noise, and it’s hurting me ears, please. Is this microphone even on? And the flowers. They’re up to my waist now. Is this ever going to stop?

What about you two? I didn’t even realize you were still standing right next to me. I had assumed you’d both leave after calling me up here. But, you’re standing right next to me? Clapping, still? Smiling? Isn’t this a little weird? Why aren’t you responding to me? Maybe the audience can’t hear me, but you’re standing right next to me. Hello? I’m pushing you. This is crazy. I have to be losing my mind. I’m probably having a stroke or something.

I’ll just read my speech and walk away. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for this award. I’m extraordinarily grateful for … ow! That one definitely had a thorn. And it went in my eye. I can’t do this. I can’t. I just, maybe I’ll just lie down here, maybe, I know it’s not a bed or rose petals, but it’s a bed of roses. The stems aren’t that much more uncomfortable. Yeah that’s nice. I think that one thorn was just an anomaly. But I’ll, I’ll just curl up right here, they have to stop clapping eventually. I mean, I’ll just wait them all out. I’ll just tear up my speech and stuff the pieces of paper into both ears, just let the roses pile up over me, blocking out the lights. I’m honored, I’m humbled, thank you again, but this is all just too much, much more than I expected, much more than anybody could have possibly prepared themselves for.