I really think I’m going to get a motorcycle this summer. I’ve always imagined myself as the leader of a motorcycle gang. We’ll be called the Flaming Skull Heads. Either that or the Leather Jackets. Or the Biker Boys. No way, we won’t be boys, we’ll be men. The Motorcycle Men, that’s it. It’ll be equal opportunity, of course, applications available to both genders. I just won’t let any women in. I’ll claim that it’s just a coincidence that it’s all dudes. Every day I’m going get up and deck myself out in leather and chains. I’m going to grow a huge handlebar mustache. I’ll keep an even bigger chain to use as a weapon, because you don’t need to get a permit for a giant chain, and it’s technically not a weapon until I start using it like a weapon.

This gang is going to be huge, but I’m only going to let my most trusted biker friends in my inner circle. And even though I’ll have a great relationship with my boys, I’ll always be a little worried that one or more of them might get it in his head that he could do a better job leading the gang than I can. Obviously this won’t be true, but the unquenchable thirst for power is the same in everybody. I’ll have to keep my friends close, but I’ll have to keep them distant from each other. So I’ll be constantly telling one of them that everyone else is talking about him behind his back. I’ll make inner circles within the inner circle. And I’ll make an even inner inner circle where it’s just me, and it won’t even be a circle at that point, it’ll just be a single dot. I’ll be the inner dot. And I’ll do that and drive it home to every one of my boys, so they’ll only trust me and nobody else.

I’m going to learn so many motorcycle tricks. I’ll do all the classics: wheelies, screechies, no-hands, ghost-riding. But I’m also going to invent some of my own tricks. Like one of my new tricks is going to be me riding just a sidecar as it’s own standalone vehicle. It’ll look so crazy that people won’t believe it. I’m going to invent another trick where I’m riding the motorcycle but I’m sitting backwards instead of forwards. I’m also going to do that snowmobile trick where you start out on land, during the summer, and drive across a lake. But I’m going to do it on my motorcycle. I’m going to be the first person to ride a motorcycle up to Mount Everest. I’m going to send out April Fool’s Day postcards to all my boys of a photo where I’m carrying the motorcycle on my back, like it’s riding me.

When I buy my motorcycle, I’m sure the salesman is going to try and rope me into buying some sort of Triple-A protection plan. But I’m not going to fall for it. That stuff is always such a scam. Maybe it makes sense for cars, but if your motorcycle breaks down, you can just walk it home. One time I called up Triple-A when my car got stuck in a ditch somewhere. But I never did buy that Triple-A membership. So when the tow truck came and the guy asked to see my membership card, I just said, “What membership card? What are you talking about? Triple-A? I didn’t call any Triple-A.” but the guy already made the trip out here, so I asked if he could just do me a solid. He said fine, but only if I signed up for Triple-A right there, on the spot. So I said sure, but I instead of writing out my information, I wrote down all this information for a deli down the block from where I live. And where it said to fill out the credit card info, I just made up a bunch of random numbers. I had the tow truck bring the car and me to a different town, so the driver wouldn’t be able to track me down once he got back to the office and ran all of the fake info through his credit card machine. I thought I was in the clear, but after the tow-truck left, I realized that I had no way of getting back to my place in my town. I thought about calling Triple-A again, but I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice in one night. I guess I didn’t really think it through. Also, I forgot about my license plates, because the tow truck guy must have written them down, because I keep getting bills in the mail from Triple-A.

That’s why I’m done with cars. On to motorcycles. I heard that motorcycle insurance is so cheap. If it’s that cheap, why should I even pay for it in the first place? I only like to buy expensive stuff. Anything that’s too inexpensive, I either refuse to buy, or I’ll make a counteroffer to the seller that’s much more expensive that the listing price. No way I’m spending money on motorcycle insurance. If I get into a motorcycle accident with a car, why should I have to pay anything anyway? Chances are, I’ll be the one sustaining the real damage. Plus, motorcycles have the right of way anyway. Everyone knows that.