If everyone would just stop staring at me for a second, I’m sure I’ll be able to explain. Those rumors you’ve been hearing about me are, well, they’re just that, rumors. And think about it, who would want to spread rumors about me? It doesn’t make any sense, right? But it totally makes sense. It was Andre. That asshole’s had it out for me for months. Ever since that picnic. You don’t know Andre? Good, forget I mentioned it. And don’t ask anybody about him. And don’t look him up on facebook. Trust me, he’s a huge loser and everything he’s been saying about me is a total lie. It stems mostly, I think, from a deep-seated jealousy, or a hatred, but that’s beside the point.

Those drugs? What can I say, except that they weren’t mine? I don’t really do drugs. I mean, that doesn’t count, I mean, I don’t really consider that a drug. But someone’s obviously trying to set me up. And I can only think of one person. But I’m not in the business of naming names, pointing fingers. I’m not going to stoop down to anyone else’s level. Nobody ever stoops down to my level, so why should I return the favor? Why are you looking at your cell phone? Is it Andre?

No, I’m just joking. I don’t even know any Andre. Just forget he exists. And I don’t even know what you’re talking about, drugs. I’ve never seen any drugs. Somebody must have made all of that stuff up. Why would I bring it up? I don’t know, I thought you were going to bring it up. Sorry, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. A lot of nonsense. I heard this rumor that someone’s spreading some gossip about money and some drugs and, you know who’s really into drugs, right? Andre. You’re sure you’ve never met him, right? Good. Trust me, you’re going to want to keep it that way. He’ll ask you for five dollars, no big deal right? And he’ll wait you out like a month, two months, and then he’ll pay you back. And then like a week later he’s asking you for twenty, then fifty, then twenty again. And he’ll pay those back too, eventually. But then there’s a call in the middle of the night, and it’s Andre, and he needs five hundred dollars, right now, he can’t explain, but it’s urgent, but he’ll pay you back seven fifty tomorrow, the very next day. And then he disappears for a while.

Well just forget everything I said then. But ask around, Andre’s bad news. But don’t ask around, don’t talk about him unless someone brings him up. And if it comes up, and you’re roped into a conversation about him, let whoever you’re talking to know that I had nothing to do with any of this nonsense. Don’t like put it in there like I asked you to say something, just drop it in naturally, gracefully. And if this person still insists on continuing to talk about Andre, ask if they’ve seen my eight hundred dollars anywhere. I can’t find it. I started asking around about my money and all of the sudden there’re these rumors about me and drugs and …

No I never joined a cult. Fucking Andre. I went to one party, one time. I thought it was going to be a social thing. Yeah, maybe it was a little culty, but I didn’t bring anybody. Well, I didn’t force that person to come with me. They just came. And it’s not my fault if they found the whole presentation really convincing. You’ve got to stop asking so many questions. Don’t you trust me? Aren’t we friends?

Listen, do you have five dollars? I just went to the deli to get a sandwich and I totally forgot my wallet. I know, I’m such a space cadet sometimes. Anyway, the guy told me I could have the sandwich and pay him back next time, because I’m always getting sandwiches at that deli, I’m a regular. More than a regular. Seriously, the sandwich guy invited me to his wife’s baby shower. I couldn’t go, but I sent a gift. But I feel really bad about the sandwich, like what if I go back to pay him later but there’s a different deli guy behind the counter? And even though the guy says he’ll pass along the five bucks, what if he never does? And what if I go back the next day to get another sandwich, and my sandwich guy thinks that I haven’t paid him back? Like I’m just ignoring it? And he’s not going to say anything, he’s just going to stuff it inside, a little deeper, trying to forget about it, to let bygones be bygones, but it’ll grow, and he won’t forget, and the next time I forget my wallet, he’s just going to be like, sorry man, no money, no sandwich. No exceptions. And he’ll point to a little sign that he printed out on his computer, it’ll say exactly that, “No money …” just like I just said.

Thanks a lot. I’ll pay you back tomorrow. No, I’ll pay you back tonight. I’ll pay you six dollars. Just take it, I insist. I’m good for it. I’m a good guy. You tell that to Andre if you see him. Well, if anybody mentions Andre to you, you tell whoever’s talking about him that I’m a good guy. Well then just forget I said anything. Yeah, just forget all of it.