It’s always like, global warming, things are about to get a lot hotter folks. Or it’s gas prices. Get ready to pay everybody. Don’t forget about that late night mugger. Keep those doors locked. Oh yeah and an economic crisis. Oh yeah and a war. Oh yeah and your toothpaste is toxic. Oh yeah and we just discovered eight new types of cancer that you didn’t even know you were probably infected with.

What’s it all about? What’s the idea behind generating all of this fear? I know it doesn’t work on me personally, because all I wind up doing is getting really anxious, and then I go drink a cup of coffee, which gets me even crazier. And I end up not trusting anything. If I were in charge of the media and I really wanted to get people to go along with whatever it is that I’m trying to say, I’d go about things completely differently.

Everything on TV and in the news would be smooth and calm and relaxing. This just in, breaking news, things are about to a whole lot better folks. Scientists have just discovered that tomorrow is going to be even better than today. Great job everybody! Keep up the good work. And I’d stare at the computer all hopped up on caffeine and think to myself, “Who the hell do these knuckleheads think they’re trying to fool?” Because nobody acts that calm and happy in real life. And so I’d automatically assume that something was off, that there has to be a threat looming in the background, and the TV just doesn’t want me to panic, so it’s coddling me, giving it to me like I can’t handle the truth, like I wouldn’t be able to come to grips with whatever new plague or assault is right about to crash my reality.

It’s like whenever I’m walking down the street, every once in a while I’ll pass by somebody and we accidentally make eye contact. I usually try to hang my head as low as possible, but every now and then it happens. I usually just twitch my head violently to the other side, to let the person know that I didn’t mean to make eye contact, that I’m not looking, and usually the other person does this also. It’s common courtesy not to get so involved in each other’s personal space. But sometimes that person will just smile. And I’m like, what the hell is there to smile at? Didn’t you check the ozone levels today? They’re terrible! And then I’m always forgetting if ozone levels are supposed to be low or high, and I’m concentrating on that and then I’m thinking again about this weirdo still smiling at me, so I make a run for it.

A lot of people have these ideas about smiling, about positivity, like if you give it to the world you’re going to get it back, or spread it or something. But I don’t think it’s like that at all. I think it’s like money. You give it up, you throw it away and then it’s gone. You start smiling at random strangers and all of the sudden whoever you’re smiling at is totally weirded out, and they do that head twitch thing that I was talking about before, and you notice it and feel stupid for putting yourself out there, for letting some of your positivity or niceness out to the world, it’s in you and then it’s out there and then it’s gone. You’re like a balloon, filled up with whatever you’ve got, and once you let it out, like if it’s helium or something, it’s really not going to be possible to put it back in. It just floats up to outer space, just dissipates, totally wasted. Or maybe it’s better if I describe it like lighter. You hit that lighter with your thumb and eventually it just runs out of gas. Or it gets really hot, so hot that your thumb starts burning and you can’t hold it anymore. What happens after that? No more fire. Well, unless you throw the lighter into an already blazing fire, then, well, yeah, or, if you use that lighter to set the curtains on fire, you could burn the whole neighborhood down. Yeah, I guess if it’s like fire than it’s a little bit easier to think of it like spreading. But I’m not talking about it spreading. I’m talking about it wasting away. So go back to the balloon. Helium, right?

Basically, what I’m trying to say is, the people who are the most cranky, mean, negative people in the world must only be that way on the outside. Inside that miserable exterior they have to be the exact opposite, filled with joy, happiness. You just can’t tell because they don’t go around wasting even an ounce of their positivity. They’re filled to the brim with it inside. Yes, joy is measured in ounces. I think the British invented the ounce. Ask somebody in England. But just think about your happiness, what little you might have of it, and never let it out, you don’t have to share it, waste it. And then, what was I talking about before, fear, right? Yeah, so if we’re all busy pushing each other out of the way and giving each other the finger and averting our gazes, the world would be a much more angry place, but only on the outside, which would really mean that the world would actually be a much better place. Inside. Right? Get it? You are nothing more than a nasty shell for your hidden, hoarded positivity. Hide your light from the world, keep it secret, keep it safe, because it’s yours, all yours, and the next time somebody smiles at you, tell them to fuck off. It sounds harsh, I know, but it’s all perfectly logical. I should be a life coach.