Andre sent me a text last week saying how he felt bad about things had ended and that he wanted to meet up and maybe restart the friendship and let bygones be bygones. That son of a bitch. Now he’s going to go around to everyone and show off the text message and people will say stuff like, “Wow Andre, you’re a really big person, you know that?” And he’ll kind of just look at them, not saying anything out loud, maybe he’ll give a really fake shrug, a nonverbal response that says without saying it, “Yeah, I know exactly what you’re talking about.”

And I’m such an idiot. I just ignored the message without remembering that on the iPhone it shows up on the text message screen as saying, “delivered,” or, “read.” So he’s probably going around to everyone, and while he’s showing everyone that he’s trying to make amends, he’ll also be letting them know that I’m ignoring him, that I purposefully saw, read, and then didn’t respond to his message.

And let me tell you, this is all such bullshit. Everybody knows that I’m the bigger person. And whatever, if you don’t think I’m the biggest person, I mean, that’s a different argument. I think we can all agree that I’m definitely a bigger person than Andre. I never responded to his text because I knew he was full of it. I could just tell. I’d text something like, “Sure man, no hard feelings,” and then he would probably respond with something like, “So yeah, I’m thinking about hosting a picnic this Saturday and I was hoping you could swing by. Any chance you could be in charge of picking up some potato salad on the way there?”

Again, this might seem like a harmless request, but we have such a loaded history. One time I hosted my own picnic and Andre sabotaged it. And it worked. I’m still so pissed off about that picnic. It was going to be so much fun. I had to get rid of like ten friends that day. I just can’t let him get any closer.

But at the same time, the idea of him walking around telling people that I carry grudges, or that I’m standoffish, or that I should consider going to a therapist, that it’s done wonders for him, that he could refer me to his guy, that it doesn’t matter if I don’t have insurance, that the guy will work with me on my budget. Fucking Andre, I can’t, I just can’t give him that satisfaction.

But I couldn’t think of what to do or how to get out of this. A couple more days passed before I thought of the perfect solution. I texted Andre back from my number saying, “Sorry, wrong number.” And he texted back, “Rob?” and I wrote, “No man, wrong number.” And then he wrote back something like, “OK, sorry.” Fucking Andre. That guy always has to have the last word. Every single time. So I wrote back, “NP.” You know, for “no problem.” And then he wrote, “NP?” Jesus Christ, everybody knows what NP means, he just has to have the last word.

I went to the AT&T store and told them I wanted a whole new account, new number, everything. Right before the clerk activated the switch, I sent Andre one last text message, “No problem,” and then told the clerk “Now! Switch it!” and the clerk was like, “Well, I mean, it’s not instantaneous. But it should only take a second. Let’s see …”

Incompetent clerks. Only a second. It was like five minutes. And of course Andre texted back, “Oh, OK.” Why does he always have to respond? At what point are you just like, fine, I don’t care about having the last word. And he thinks he’s the bigger person? What kind of a bigger person just keeps texting, just for the sake of always responding last?

Anyway, I got my new phone number and waited a couple of days and then I sent Andre a text message, “Hey Andre. It’s been a while. Anyway, I just feel like I don’t like how we left things, and maybe we should just bury the hatchet and start fresh.” And he texted back, “Who is this?” I wrote, “It’s Rob G. Some guy stole my phone a while back and I had to get a new number.” And he wrote. “NP. That’s big of you. Yeah, apology accepted. We’re cool.”

I’m just like, thinking to myself, did I apologize? I didn’t apologize. I didn’t say sorry. And who is he to tell me that my text was big. Is he the dispenser of bigness? Like he’s bigger than me and can somehow award me with a little bit of his infinite supply of big? And what, now this guy’s going to go around and show everybody that text message and tell everyone that I apologized? What do I have to be sorry about? That manipulative jerk. It was an olive branch if anything. And besides, he messaged me first. I should have responded, “apology accepted.” That way I could have been the bigger person while at the same time putting him in his place. And what’s with that NP business? Did he just start using NP when I told him about from my other phone? Or did he somehow catch on to my plan? What a psycho. Seriously, like doesn’t this guy have anything better to do? And now what, we’re friends again? I can’t believe I got played like that. Fucking Andre.