I used to joke around about guns all the time. But that was before. Now I’m serious about guns. I’m seriously getting a gun. It’s the only way to stay completely safe. It’s the only way that we’ll all be completely safe. It’s safer for all of you if I have a gun. Because if shit goes down, with a gun, trust me, I’m going to be the guy that you wished were there, with another gun, to make sure that shit, having already gone down, either goes back up, or goes away completely.

If some nut storms into anywhere that I happen to be, and he or she has a gun, I’m going to completely neutralize the situation. And I’ll do it without injuring anybody. And I’ll also do it without infringing upon that nutjob’s second amendment rights. I’m probably the most accurate shot in the world. So whenever I’m being threatened with a gun, I antagonize my assailant, poke and prod them, agitating them so that they eventually fire the gun. That’s when I spring to action. I shoot my gun. But I shoot my bullets with such precision as to intercept the other guy’s bullets. So we both shoot and the bullets hit each other in midair, falling harmlessly to the ground. After a few rounds of shooting and not doing any damage, the other guy gives up. No harm done, nobody’s gun gets taken away, because nobody committed any crimes.

I armed my dog. I buy as many guns as I can and then I give them away to strangers. I have a slightly different interpretation of the second amendment. Unlike some of the more liberal members of the Supreme Court – I’m looking at you Scalia – I believe that our founding fathers were mandating that every citizen own a gun. If you don’t have one, how are you supposed to exercise your right to bare arms?

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Or, another bad guy with a bigger gun. Well, not necessarily bigger. See, if two bad guys decide to independently shoot up the same school on the same day, let’s say they get there at the same time. The second bad guy with a gun might mistake the first bad guy with a gun as a good guy with a gun. So the second bad guy will off the first bad guy, with his gun – Pop! – and in the aftermath, some good guys with guns might mistakenly identify the second bad guy with a gun to be a fellow good guy with a gun. Having satisfied his craving for bloodlust, the bad guy wouldn’t see a need to shoot anybody else, especially considering all of the praise he’d be getting from the principal, from local leaders. Maybe he’d like being a good guy with a gun. More guns, less bad guys with guns, more bad guys turned good guys with guns. Confused? Yeah I probably didn’t explain it right. It’s all on the NRA web site, so you can just check it out whenever.

But I’m thinking, trying to brainstorm some ideas, some other ways to stop a bad guy with a gun. I haven’t nailed down the specifics, but I’m thinking about designing a really big gun that, instead of bullets, fires out rounds of regular sized guns. This would be perfect for movie theater style massacres. If you keep one of these big gun-guns at the front of the theater, when the attacker enters, instead of waiting for everybody to lock and load their own guns, you could just shoot the big gun, and it would fire a gun out to every member of the public. Bang! Instant militia.

And not just bigger guns. I’m also talking more guns. I know, I already said that two paragraphs ago. But even more guns than that. Is there any way that the hospital industry could join forces with the gun industry? It makes perfect sense to me. First, when babies are born, they could be given their first gun right away. They won’t waste any time exercising their second amendment rights. Plus, they’ll never know anything about not being a gun owner. It’ll be like a part of them. Is there any way we can get a gun inside the womb? No, I’m going too fast. One thing at a time here. But also, where do people go after they get shot? Hospitals. It just seems like we can streamline the process, bang, hospital, bang, gun shop.

This is serious time. It’s serious here in America. If anybody’s serious about taking my gun away, they’re seriously going to need a bigger gun to even try. And think about it, anybody who wants to take my gun away, they’re probably anti-gun. So what, they’re going to buy a gun to take away my gun? And then what, they’ll have two guns? Doesn’t sound very realistic from the anti-gun guy’s point of view. Or as I like to call them, the bad guys without guns. The only way to stop a bad guy without a gun is to give him a gun and then stand right by him, pointing a gun at him, making sure that he turns into a good guy with a gun, and if not, if he’s still a bad guy, now with a gun, well then it’s our duty to make sure he turns into a dead guy with a gun. Got it? Lock and load mothafuckas.