It’s a whole new year. And while everyone’s out making lofty, unsustainable resolutions, forget the grand pledges and get back to basics. Try focusing on a few small areas of your life where key changes will reap big results. If you’re willing to give it a shot, you can be a better person in 2016. You can totally be a better person.
Start cooking for yourself
Don’t you get tired of eating takeout every day? Isn’t it boring shoveling the same three or four menu items down your throat meal after meal? Sure, getting in the habit of cooking your own meals can seem a daunting task, but start with one meal, with just a few simple ingredients. After you eat, wash your dishes and think about three or four ingredients you might use to make your next plate. Once you’ve got a routine established, which won’t take as long as you think, you can think about ditching the delivery altogether. Also, you can stop taking my food out of the fridge. Because yes, I was absolutely planning on eating those leftover meatballs, and no, it wasn’t cool of you to just help yourself.
Get a gym membership
It’s kind of a cliché resolution, but there’s no better way to kick off the New Year than by joining a gym. You’ll look better, you’ll feel better, and you’ll have a lot more energy and confidence. Also, my gym said that I can’t sign you in as a guest anymore.
Put your phone away
Too often we’re glued to our phones. And even trying to resist the constant pull of the Internet makes time spent away from a device feel like an exercise in frustration. So do yourself a favor in 2016 and stop using your phone. Also, stop using my phone. Yeah, I understand that your carrier throttles your data after a while, so maybe you should take it easy on whatever it is you’re constantly downloading. And I don’t care if you’re out of battery, just because mine has sixty-five percent left doesn’t mean I have to share the wealth.
Get better about doing your laundry more regularly
It’s one of those chores that, if you can just stay on top of it week-to-week, you can avoid having all of your clothes stacked up in two, giant, unfolded piles. Just take care of a load here and there, and you’ll have your wardrobe back, and you won’t have to borrow my socks. Which, by the way, it’s not borrowing, it’s just taking. Because I’m not wearing socks that you’ve borrowed, you might as well just keep them. And I think you know this, which is why you keep doing it. I’m sick of having to constantly buy new socks. Just don’t touch my socks.
Stop biting your nails
It’s a bad habit. It’s bad for your teeth. It’s bad for your nails. You’re nails are constantly bleeding. It’s gross. Could you like, do it somewhere else at least? We’re watching TV and you’re just biting and biting, and then you’re playing with a big chunk of fingernail in your mouth, and then you do this thing where you casually try to just spit out the piece of fingernail like I’m not noticing, but I’m totally noticing, and then there are little pieces of fingernail stuck in the carpet. Dude, gross.
Pay your rent
I’m serious man, the rent was due a week ago. And that’s great that you’re able to maintain such a nonchalant attitude about your credit score, but my parents cosigned the lease on this apartment, so I’d appreciate it if you could make your monthly payments on time. Your “money’s really tight” excuse is a little hard to swallow, by the way, especially since you had enough cash to buy that extra gamepad controller for your stupid special edition Zelda Wii U. Right, it’s painted gold, I see, great. I just don’t get why you had to sell your old Wii U to buy a gold one.
How’s that job search coming along?
No, I hear you, it’s a tough market. It’s just a suggestion. That’s all I’m saying, is that maybe you’d have more money if you found a job. Yeah, I get it, I don’t love my job either, but you’ve got to pay the bills, right? Seriously, you have to pay your bills. My mom just got a call from our landlord.
Get your shoes off the couch
Come on man, that’s my couch. I bought it. It’s fine that you eat on it, and sleep on it, whatever. But the shoes, do you have to keep them on when you’re laying down? And while I’m on it, just, if I walk in the living room, and you’re lying on the couch, it might be nice if you sat up so I could sit on the couch too. This isn’t your bedroom.
Try to wear pants around the house
Or at least some pajamas, or shorts. I can see your balls right now. Dude.
Don’t spoil Star Wars
No, I get it, it’s over and done with. But I still can’t believe you spoiled Star Wars for me. That’s nice that you had time to catch the midnight showing on opening night, but you really didn’t have to come home and tell me all about it. Especially when I was like, “Dude, stop … please, don’t say anything,” and you were like, “No, I’m not going to spoil anything, but …” and then you told me like three huge spoilers. That was not cool. And yeah, so just going forward, in 2016, whenever, just don’t talk to me about Star Wars, about any movie really. Just don’t talk to me at all, about anything.