Do you know how important this year is? Do you know what’s at stake? America’s at stake. We’re at risk of losing America. Like actually losing it. Sometimes I feel like it’s already been lost, like we’ve already lost America. But then I always wind up finding it right at the last second, usually somewhere I’ve already looked like five times. Sometimes you just stare at the same spot for hours and you can’t find it, but then all of the sudden it’s like right there, like how could you not be seeing it right away?

But how much longer can we be almost losing America? I feel like it’s getting harder and harder to find every time. And once America’s lost, I mean, that’s it. We’ll have to come up with something else. And everybody will be standing around, complaining, protesting, “We still have time to find America!” and I’ll be like, “It’s been ten years already since we lost America. We’re never going to find it again. We need something else.”

And someone’s going to come along years later and make an outrageous claim, like “I found it! I found America!” and everyone will know that this guy is full of shit, but people will be so desperate, having had lost America so long ago, they’ll be like, “Well, I kind of believe him. Maybe he did find America. I’m on his side now.”

And everyone else will be like, “Well, if you found America, why don’t you show us? Why don’t you show everybody where it is? We’ve all been looking for so long. Show us America! Show us America!” That last part will be chanting. Like every time people start questioning this guy, it’s always going to wind up attracting a huge crowd, and everybody will get so bent out of shape that, at first, everyone will just be screaming, so nobody will hear anything specifically, it’ll just be a lot of crowd noise. But then one person will start the chant, “Show us America!” and it’ll just snowball.

So then the person who claims to have found America will say something like, “Well I found America, but I don’t want to show you, not just anybody, not everybody, only those people who have already sided with me. I’m afraid that if I show you where America is, you’ll just lose it again, just like you all did the first time.

And then that’s guy’s followers will start their own angry crowd, and all of that explosive energy will eventually coalesce into its own chant, something like, “You lost America! You lost America!” emphasis on the “you.”

And obviously this won’t go over well with the other side. Because honestly, who really lost America? Nobody really remembers. Nobody can even really agree on the last time it was actually spotted. There will be some back and forth for a couple of months, maybe, the whole “Show us America” vs. “You lost America” chants going on in unison, in an alternating pattern. But then the first side, or was it the second side? The side not claiming to have found America in the first place, they’ll try a new strategy, the whole “Show us America” thing being slightly little too aggressive.

So somebody, maybe me, maybe somebody else, let’s just say me, for argument’s sake, just so I can write “me” instead of “maybe me, maybe somebody else.” So I’ll come up and I’ll claim that I’ve found America. Yup, I’ve found it. I have it. And that’ll mean that the other side never really found it at all. We can’t both have found it. One of us is lying and the other one is telling the truth.

That’s going to be the story anyway. The truth is, unfortunately, that neither of us will have found it. I’m telling you, once America is lost, once we lose America, well, I’m afraid that’s that. That’s why this year is so crucial. In all of my years of being around and having America, this is definitely the closest that I’ve ever felt like we are to actually losing America.

You all might think I’m crazy, but one day, depending on how this year turns out, we’re going to wake up and it’s going to be like, “Poof!” lost. America. We lost America. How are we even going to know? Where are we all going to be? My guess is Canada. Canada is unloseable. Canadians have been trying to lose Canada for generations but it’s always right there. Nobody’s ever said, “Canada’s at stake! We’re at risk of losing Canada!” Because if somebody actually said that, the sheer amount of laughter produced would cripple the entire country. Like people would die. And so there’s a strict “No Lost Canada” rule in Canada. It’s hard for us Americans to understand, seeing as how a potentially lost America is a very serious issue that we’re all constantly grappling with.

In closing, I’d like to make some remarks, about America. The power of right now is happening this very second. The losing of America is much closer than you think. Wait a second, I think it just happened. I think it’s gone. Yup. I don’t see it anywhere. Well never mind then, everybody go about your business, it’s too late. America has officially been … wait. Nope, false alarm. Wait. No, that’s. Wait a second. Yeah OK, I found it. That was close. I don’t know how much longer we can all keep this up. It’s an important year. America’s at stake everybody. I don’t want to be part of the generation that lost America. Do you? Is that what you’re all about? Do you want to lose America? Because I don’t. America.