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5 Secrets I’ve never told anyone else in my life

I’ve heard it said that everyone has their secrets, but is that really true? Because carrying around a secret gets pretty tough. They get heavy, weighing down on you, accumulating every day. Sure, maybe you can get away for a while with stuffing them to the back of your consciousness, but they always have a way of popping up just when you think life is finally going to be OK.

That’s what it’s like for me, anyway. I have so many secrets. I’ve never told anybody about any of these, not even my wife. But they’re getting to be too much, and I need to let them free. Maybe if I just get out with it, maybe if I’m just honest, they’ll stop haunting every waking second of my life. I hope so. I’ve been carrying around this baggage for too long.

1. I killed my family’s pet fish

I think everyone’s family had a fish tank at one point or another. I remember when my dad came home with the mini aquarium, my brothers and sisters and I were all so excited. There were more than a dozen fish in there, swimming in between the fake rocks, not really paying attention to the plastic treasure chest lying decoratively in the corner. The fish were a big deal at first, we’d all stand around and give them names. Later, we’d fight and scream about which fish had what name, or about who’s turn it was to drop in the little fish flakes they were only supposed to eat twice every day.

But after a couple of weeks it got old. The fish never really did anything. If they swam through the little plastic hoop suspended from the roof of the tank, it was totally random, and not because we’d trained them to do any tricks. Plus, if you stood around the tank long enough, eventually one of the fish would poop, and then another fish would swim over and eat it, so that was kind of unpleasant to watch.

One day I was just really, really bored. It wasn’t my intention to kill them, but I wound up killing all of them. I took out a piece of gum that I’d been chewing for like half an hour or so, and I stretched it out into little tiny balls. And then I put those balls in the fish tank. When I say it like that, it’s obvious that nothing good was coming out of it, but I really can’t stress enough that, if I knew then what I know now, I’m pretty confident that I wouldn’t have gone ahead and done what I did. I fed them the gum, they all ate up, and within fifteen minutes, they were all floating belly-up at the surface. I hid in the closet for the rest of the day, and when my mom came home later that night, she just said, “Huh, all of the fish died,” and the whole family watched in the hallway as she unceremoniously flushed them down the toilet. Maybe she didn’t care. I knew that she hated cleaning out that tank. But still, I felt really bad.

2. I broke my friend’s mom’s antique clock

One time when I was in the fifth grade, I was hanging out at my friend Mike’s house. It was one of those middle-of-the-week school days, so there wasn’t anything going on except for sitting in the living room watching TV. Mike’s older sister was there too. I forget how it started exactly, but all three of us started throwing pillows at each other. And you know how little kids get, right? They get into it. We were diving behind the couch, using armchairs as forts to hide behind. It was just three dumb, silly kids throwing around a bunch of couch pillows.

But then I threw one and it went wild, flying past the furniture, right into this really fancy looking antique clock. The whole base of the clock was made of porcelain, and I can still remember the crash as it fell to the floor and shattered into hundreds of pieces. Everybody froze, the frenzied joy instantly sucked out of the room, turned off like a light switch.

Mike and his sister panicked. “I’m sorry,” I tried to say, but they started trembling. “That was a really, really old clock,” Mike’s sister said. “Mom is going to be so pissed.” I needed some sort of assurance, that this was just a mistake, that you can’t cry over spilt milk or whatever. But no, ten seconds went by, and then a minute, and it sank in that this was huge deal. “I’ll say it was me,” Mike’s sister offered. “No,” I said, “I was the one who broke it.” But Mike’s sister got really serious, she told me, “No, she’ll get pissed off at me. But she’ll kill you. You won’t be allowed to hang out with Mike ever again. And she’ll go after your parents. She’ll never ever let this go. You know what? Just leave now, just get out of here and I’ll deal with this.” And I did, I just got out, I picked up my backpack and ran. We never spoke about it ever again, and I’d be lying if I said that I still don’t look at my cell phone every day half expecting the phone to ring, for Mike’s mom to start screaming at me, “I just found out the truth about that clock!”

3. I stole the class of 2004

What I mean is, there was this bar right off campus where, every year, the owner did a class photo. Any senior who wanted to be in it could show up, but it was mostly just bar regulars, a group of like fifty or sixty kids. They took the photo, it was blown up, framed, and hung on the wall. There had to have been twenty or thirty or thirty of them, all lined up in a row, a memorial to those who came before us, ordering six dollar pitchers of Coors Light and waiting for their songs to play on the jukebox, even though they put a dollar into the machine like three hours ago.

Anyway, one night I was hanging out, and it was packed, and I was drunk, and something came over me that I couldn’t explain. It caused me to reach up and grab the Class of 2004. I really have no idea why I did it, but I did, I lifted it up and bolted out of the emergency exit, sprinting the five or six blocks back to my off-campus apartment. When I got to the front door, I looked back, my adrenaline just pumping through my body, but nobody was chasing after me. Nobody else had seen me. And now I looked at this photo. What had I done? What was I hoping to get out of this stupid stunt?

I brought it back at the end of the semester. I closed my eyes, hoping that the owner wouldn’t call bullshit on my story of having found it lying in a trashcan outside of my apartment building. But he totally bought it. “No way! I thought I’d lost it forever!” he was almost kind of emotional. “Please, sit down, have some drinks, on the house!” And I couldn’t, there was no way I was going to accept any free drinks for stealing a photo and then lying about it months later. But I said no, and he said, “Come on!” and I said, “OK, maybe just one or two,” and then I wound up staying there until really late, and I drank a ton of free drinks, and when I went to tip the bartender at the end of the night, I realized that I didn’t have any cash on me, and so I kind of just made it like I was going to go to the bathroom, but I slinked out the emergency exit and ran home and overslept for class the next day.

4. I’m not really allergic to peanuts

It started off innocently enough. I started dating this girl in college, and her parents came to visit one weekend. It wasn’t like we were serious enough for her to have introduced me to her folks yet, but we lived in the same dorm, and I happened to be walking down the hall one day when there they all were. “Why don’t you come out with us for lunch?” her mom offered, and I said, “OK, sure, that sounds great.”

But I was super awkward and nervous and for whatever reason none of the words were coming out of my mouth the way that I thought they would come out in my head. We went out to some Thai restaurant, and I’d never eaten Thai food before. Also, I was really hungover. Also, I had just eaten two extra value meals from McDonald’s. So when they put all of these plates of food that I couldn’t imagine putting into my stomach, I lied, I said that I was allergic to peanuts, and that I didn’t feel comfortable eating anything.

It was a mistake that day, yes, because her super nice parents insisted that all of the food be sent back and remade with special attention to my peanut allergy, so I wound up having to eat all of the food anyway. But it’s also a mistake that’s haunted me ever since, because I wound up getting married to that girl, and both she and all of her family members still think I’m allergic to peanuts. It’s always a huge to-do. One time her mom even made me spit out a bite of some dessert, screaming, “Rob! No! That has peanuts!” and then I had to fake that I couldn’t breathe, and her dad insisted on driving me to the hospital where they pumped me full of epinephrine, all while I sat there praying that whatever tests they were running on me wouldn’t reveal in front of everyone else that I wasn’t really allergic to peanuts. Can this stop now? I’m sorry I made one mistake all of those years ago. But mom, dad, honey, if you’re reading this, can I please not be fake allergic to peanuts anymore?

5. I never really served in the Peace Corps

This one got so out of hand, so fast. I really did intend on serving in the Peace Corps. It’s just that, I never made it past any of the interviews or background checks. But by that point, I’d already told all of my friends and family members that I’d be leaving any day now, off to spend two years of service in some developing country. Weeks and months would go by, and I just hoped it would all go away, that people might forget about it. But they’d keep asking, “So, what’s going on with the Peace Corps?” or “Hear anything back from the Peace Corps yet?” And I’d just say stuff like, “No, not yet. It’s a really long process. It just takes a really long time.”

And then after a year or so, I finally just decided to pretend to go to the Peace Corps. I packed all of my bags and my family and friends threw these big going away parties. And it all just felt so real, like my mom was crying and telling me to be careful. And then after they dropped me off at the airport, I waited to make sure they were gone, and then I took a cab and went to my friend Bill’s house in Queens.

And I basically just hung out in his basement for two years, smoking pot and playing video games. It was really tough, and I’m sure if I actually had gone to the Peace Corps, my struggle might have been comparable to that of an actual volunteer’s. Because sure, it sounds really easy, just hanging out and drinking beer and watching Netflix. But I had to go on the Internet, and write all of these letters home, and make up all of these stories about learning a foreign language. I guess it worked, because nobody’s ever come up to me and straight up questioned the validity of my story. But I just feel like a huge phony, you know? Like it’s the first thing on my resume, “Rob Gunther, Peace Corps.” And every once in a while I’ll run into someone who really went, and they’re talking all about these life changing experiences, and I’m just like, “I know, right?”

So yeah, I really feel bad, about all of this. I’m really sorry. I just wanted to get all of this out. And you know what? I actually feel a lot better. Yeah, I think it worked. Whew! I feel totally better. You should get rid of your secrets too. Wow, I can’t believe I held it in for so long. Come on, what have you got to hide?

Originally posted at Thought Catalog.

Oh really? You think vaccines cause autism? Huh?

You always hear about crazy people on the Internet who don’t believe in vaccinating their kids, but have you ever actually met one of those wackos in real life? It’s like, I personally think it’s nuts, the anti-vaccine argument. And pretty much every single person I know thinks it’s nuts also. And so you don’t really have to defend your position that often. We just kind of take these things as a given. Yes, we’re supposed to give out vaccinations to stop the spread of really bad diseases. And yes, there exists a small group of people who don’t believe in vaccines, but they all live far away, and so it’s nothing that I’ll probably ever have to deal with in real life.

But one time I met an anti-vaccine guy. He was my age, so he didn’t actually have any kids yet. I don’t have any kids either, and so, in retrospect anyway, I’ve tried to go back in my mind and think about how this conversation about vaccines actually got started. If I’m certain about one thing, it’s that I didn’t bring it up. No, like I said, I’m part of the majority of normal non-looney human beings who don’t doubt vaccinations as being what they are: a crucial tool in helping to keep us alive and healthy. So I don’t go up to random people that I’ve only just met and start talking like I’ve got to go on the offense against the controversial arguments of a fringe group of vaccine deniers.

My friends and I had gone out with a bigger group of friends, and so there were a lot of people I didn’t know. Like I said, I don’t know how I started talking to this one guy about vaccines, but all of the sudden there I was, this dude was in my face, challenging me to defend the use of mass vaccination. At first I thought he was joking. I thought he was making an over-the-top vaccine joke, and so I responded in a similar fashion, making some remark about Jenny McCarthy or Rob Schneider.

But this guy got a really serious look on his face. He was like, “Look man, I’ll send you some Internet articles, and I’m telling you man, you read this shit, you won’t put your kids anywhere near a vaccine.” And again, I don’t have kids. “You have kids?” I asked him. “Nope.”

And what do you say to a person like this? Because no, I’ve never done any hard research. I’ve never gotten under a microscope and checked the actual science. I’m not qualified. But every single news source that I trust, every doctor I’ve ever met in my life, they all tell me the same thing, that these vaccine deniers are deluded, that the overwhelming majority of actual science doesn’t really have anything to say to these people other than, you’re wrong, you don’t know what you’re talking about, please stop spreading misinformation.

So when I was actually confronted with a vaccine denier, I had nothing really to say. I just kept being like, “Oh yeah? Really? You think vaccines cause autism? Huh? You think the government’s trying to control us through vaccines? Really? Is that what you believe?”

And the guy was like, “Yeah man, that’s exactly what I believe. And they don’t want you to know that I know that they know. You know? I’m telling you man, just check out these Internet articles. What’s your email address?”

And what do I say? What could I have said to change his mind? Nothing. He had that crazy look in his eye that all fanatics have. There was nothing to be done. This guy was already lost. So I gave made up a fake email address and said I had to go to the bathroom.

Crawlspace

“As long as we get to where we’re going, it doesn’t matter how we get there,” Lee said as he threw his bag into the luggage compartment. I was in Europe, it was the summer in between my junior and senior year of college. I didn’t really have a plan, but I’d spent the past three years saving up for this two month Euro Rail train ticket, one of these unlimited type passes that was supposed to get me on any train in any country.

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Of course there was a lot more to it than that, but I hadn’t done any research at all. I bought the ticket through this online travel agency, it came in the mail, I set all of the paperwork aside, but kept them on the top of all of the other piles of papers and forms that had accumulated at my desk, almost like I was challenging myself to see how long I could keep it alive in my consciousness, this idea of knowing that I had these papers that I should look over, but never really finding the right moment to sit down and figure out the details.

I’ve since lived in like five or six different apartments, so that’s the only reason that I know for sure that those papers aren’t still there on that desk. But no, I never wound up going through them. I just kind of showed up in Europe, wandered over to a train station and hopped on the next train departing to Brussels. When the conductor came over I just handed him my ticket.

“What is this?” he asked.

“It’s my ticket. That’s my Euro Rail pass.”

“Yeah well, you can’t just show up on a train. These things sell out. You still need a ticket.”

“What?”

And that went on for like five minutes or so before I had to cough up fifty Euros, money that I didn’t really have to be wasting on additional train tickets. And so yeah, I learned fast, the ins-and-outs of riding the trains, how even though the system was mostly similar from country to country, each nation definitely had its own train subtleties.

I was in Italy when I fell in with this group of American backpackers. I mean, I was backpacking too, but these guys all had that experienced backpacker look. And so I wound up following them around to all of these really cool smaller cities and coastal towns that I never would have thought to explore on my own.

There wasn’t any structure to the group, people came and left along the way, but Lee was definitely the de facto leader. He wasn’t the kind of guy who laid out an itinerary or anything like that, but I don’t believe that he was just winging it either. My thought was always that he had some sort of a larger plan, routes and destinations selected three or four sites in advance. But such was his leadership style that he rarely had to do any actual directing. People just kind of talked to him one-on-one about where he thought about heading next, and he’d always give these non-committing responses, like, “I was thinking bout checking out Brindisi,” and word would just spread through the rest of us.

But I started to question his motives as we headed further South into Italy. That was when we were at the train station, when Lee said that whole thing about not mattering how you get to wherever it was that you’re going next. See, the train was overbooked, which happened pretty often. A lot of the time the train companies were either trying to get us to shell out more money for seats, or they wanted to shove us into the crappiest seats possible.

Again, I had no way of knowing that, but Lee was an experienced traveler. He stood there and kind of rubbed his sun-bleached beard with one hand, telling us that most of these overbooked trains had plenty of seats. We agreed that Lee should take all of our money and he went to collectively bargain for us, not at the ticket booth, but right with one of the conductors.

And then a few minutes later, Lee came back around to where we were all waiting, we followed him as he threw his backpack into the cargo area, and then the we started following the conductor toward the back of the train, where he was pointing down at what I thought was the wheels.

“Wait a second,” I said, “What’s he saying?”

It was crazy. On this particular train, all of the seats indeed looked to be fully occupied, and there were bodies crammed even into the aisles, so standing up wasn’t an option. But Lee had done his negotiating, insisted with the conductor that there had to have been some space – apparently he knew enough Italian to, from my perspective at least, engage in an Italian-sounding conversation – until they came to an agreement and led us to the back of the last car.

The conductor bent down, at the very bottom of the car, and he undid a latch. There was a flat cargo area, a very small space in between the floor of the car and the base of the train. It was almost a joke, this little area was only like maybe a foot, a foot and a half tall, and I could only assume that it ran the entire length of the car.

Some words were exchanged in Italian, and then Lee said, “OK everybody, this is us.”

“What do you mean this is us?” one of the other backpackers said.

“This is where we’re riding,” Lee said.

“Are you serious?” people started hurling questions at our leader. “You want us to lie flat down there? Is that even safe? Can we breathe down there? Have you ever done this before?”

Sure, I’d taken long train rides where I had to stand the whole time, and those weren’t very pleasant, but I’d never even heard about anything like this.

“Of course I’ve done this before,” Lee said. And I was staring at him, trying to read his face. It wasn’t the most confident expression I’d ever seen, like, I couldn’t tell if he was serious, if he had done this before and just really didn’t like it, or if he secretly thought this was crazy also, but didn’t want to appear weak in front of everybody.

A few of the travelers got their packs out of the cargo car and decided to wait, but Lee warned the rest of us that tomorrow’s train probably wasn’t going to be any less crowded. And when he said it like that, I got really kind of anxious, like my time in Europe was dwindling away, that there were so many other countries that I hadn’t seen yet. I started thinking that, maybe I was spending a little too much time with this group, dependent on someone else’s idea of what backpacking through Europe was supposed to be. After all, I’d never really planned on staying this long in Italy. I wanted to go to Spain, make a circle up to Scandinavia. I started thinking about maybe parting ways with the group after we got to Rome.

Lee grabbed hold of a bar on the outside of the car, lifted his legs up, and slid his body inside the flat little room under the train.

“Lee!” I called in after him. “How is it?”

“It’s fine!” he said. “It’s padded, so it shouldn’t be too bad.”

And then other people started following him in. The train was signaling that it was about to pull out of the station, so I made up my mind to do it, to just jump in. But I couldn’t go face up. I don’t like enclosed spaces at all, and the idea of being on my back for whatever reason just felt a lot more claustrophobic than lying on my stomach.

In retrospect, I don’t think that either way would have been more comfortable, and I never gave myself the chance to try it out again on my back to give myself a sense of comparison. But lying there on my stomach, my head tilted to the right with my sweatshirt under my chin like a pillow, the whole situation quickly devolved into the nightmare that any of you could imagine it was.

There were maybe seven of us back there, and while we were mostly talkative and upbeat for the first fifteen minutes or so, the crippling confines of our new reality quickly became the only thing that any of us could think about. I had thought that being face-down would allow me to be able to turn my head or pick it up a little bit to see in front of me without feeling like I was trapped in a little box, but there was nothing to see. The vents at the far side of the train were visible, but only as thin white lines in the distance somewhere.

And I don’t know how I didn’t think about it beforehand, but the bumps, they were so much more pronounced down there. The train’s suspension did a decent enough job at preventing us from lifting off the ground, but that was about it. It was like I could actually feel the wheels going over the rails.

As people started to freak out, asking questions like, what if there’s an emergency? Or, is there any way to signal to the conductor if we need help down here? Lee did his best to keep everyone calm. But even our mighty leader soon enough fell unhinged from his strong nature as the confines of our circumstance caused pains and kinks in our necks and back, pains that caused our bodies to every once in a while tense up automatically, as if there were any room to roll to our sides, or, in everyone else’s case, to try and sit up, to the point where, after a couple of hours or so, the only sound that interrupted the sounds of our soft whimpering was the occasional dull thud as someone’s head made contact with the padded roof.

The train would come to a crawl every two or three hours, apparently they were making some local stops along the way to Rome, but nobody ever came to check on us, despite our screams. We were all ready to get out, right there, wherever, because the enclosed nature of the ride was progressively getting worse. I had to go to the bathroom. I was thirsty. I just wanted out.

I lost track of time, but it felt like eight or nine hours later when the little slot at the end opened up, the conductor hurling Italian words at us. I tried to look for something in his voice, like was he happy? Had he ever really put people down here before? Did he find this bunch of stupid tourists to be a joke?

And then when I tried to crawl out, I just couldn’t, there wasn’t anywhere to get leverage, not to turn my body around, not to do a mini-push up, to try and inch my way out. That’s what I wound up doing, pressing all my body’s weight to the roof, and then I inched my toes back what could have only been maybe a half an inch at a time before collapsing. And so that’s what it was like, barely making any progress toward the exit, the people at my head were yelling at me to move faster, their feet pushing against my face.

The whole ride was awful, but I want to say that those last moments were the absolute worst, using all of my strength to try and get out, but getting nowhere, worrying that maybe the conductor would close the door. I pictured him – I can still picture it, actually – shutting the door on my feet right as I’m almost at the door, him laughing at me as I scream in vain for him to let me go.

So the more panicked I got, the more my body tightened up, the more I thought I would never make it out, when finally a thick pair of hands grabbed me by the ankles and pulled me out, hard. I didn’t see that coming, and so my arms just kind of gave way, my face falling to the floor and rubbing against the padding, giving me a nice friction burn on my right cheek until, with half of my body out of the car, I swung my hands down to the ledge until I had enough leverage to lift myself the rest of the way out.

My entire body screamed with a pain I hadn’t known before and have thankfully never felt since. I looked down and, apparently I must have peed my pants while I was stuck in there. For a second, my sheer sense of embarrassment outweighed the physical pain, but only for a second, because I looked around and all of us had peed our pants. Because how long were we in there for anyway?

Lee wasn’t exempt. I looked toward him and I really wanted to be pissed off. Like come on man, why didn’t you just say something? Anything? Like, sorry guys, I’ve never actually done this before, I have no idea what I’m doing, we should probably wait for another train. Why was it OK for you to lead us inside of that crawlspace? I wanted to get in his face and start yelling, I wanted to grab him by his shirt and scream, but I couldn’t get any words out. Lee was crying, and while it didn’t lessen my anger towards him, but I guess it kind of softened it. Because I didn’t have the strength to say anything to him. Nothing at all.

We all stood there for a minute, trying not to make eye contact with each other. The conductor unlocked the baggage car, I grabbed my bag, went to the bathroom to change into a clean pair of pants, and that was it, I turned away and walked a few blocks past the station, until I was sure nobody else from the group had followed me. And then I flagged down a cab and, luckily, the driver knew enough English for me to tell him to take me to a hotel I had circled in one of my traveling guides.

And that was that, you know, in terms of traveling with other people, I’ll never do it again. Not like that, not where I just assume I’m being led around by someone who knows what he’s doing. Because man, even though that was a long time ago, I still have trouble laying down on my stomach, like even if it’s just in my bed, not every time, but once in a while, I’ll fall asleep for only a second or two and it feels like I’m right back there, rolling along on the ground, trying to get myself to move, but I can’t, I’m stuck.

Andre and his extra Mets ticket

I was on the Internet the other day, when I saw on my Facebook news feed that my old friend Andre put up a status update: “I have an extra ticket to the Mets game tonight. Hit me up if u wanna come!” And I haven’t seen Andre in close to a year. We’d been really old friends, but all of our recent interactions had this way of self-destructing. I was actually a little surprised that we were still even Facebook friends.

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But I figured, why not? So I sent him a message and said, “Hey man, I’d love to go to the game with you!” and I waited. He didn’t get back to me that day, or the next couple of days after that either. I tried not to think about it, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t driving me a little crazy. Because, come on, why are you going to put something like that out on Facebook? Obviously none of your close friends are interested, and so now you’re just kind of reaching out, all of your second and third tier friends. And if I’m really honest here, I wouldn’t even consider myself a third-tier friend. But still, I’m on some tier, and I responded.

Game day arrived, and I still hadn’t heard from him, and I really shouldn’t have done anything, like, I know, the better grown-up adult part of me knows that I should have just left it alone. But I couldn’t, and so I sent Andre a follow-up message. I wrote, “OK, well, I guess you don’t want to go to the Mets game with me. Thanks for getting back to me.”

And he wrote back within an hour, “Hey, yeah, I’m going with Cliff, sorry.” That was it, no hello, no how’s it going, nothing about how we haven’t talked in over a year, how it would’ve been nice to catch up. And whatever, you don’t want to spend a whole game with me? That’s fine, I get it. Yeah, maybe three or four hours together would have been a little much. But he could’ve at least responded, maybe put out an offer to grab a drink and catch up some time. You don’t even have to follow through with actually getting together. But you just put it out there, it’s nice.

OK, Cliff’s going, fine Again, I tried to get it out of my head, but the way in which he ignored me, how I had to go fishing for that response. And then the way he just wrote me off, the nope, sorry. Oh yeah, what a sincere apology. I’m really glad that you’re sorry. Why do you put something like that on Facebook anyway? You really think I care about going to a Mets game? Why didn’t you just send a text to Cliff in the first place?

And then I really couldn’t stop thinking about it. I wondered, who responded to that Facebook message first, me or Cliff? And so I tried to pull up Andre’s profile, but it wasn’t popping up. Did he unfriend me? Because he was on my news feed just a few days ago. I was getting a little obsessed over this, but at least I acknowledged that I was getting obsessed, and so I didn’t feel as bad searching my news feed, going through every single post for the past week. As long as I was aware that I was acting kind of crazy, I didn’t mind so much.

And yeah, finally I found it, the original post. It wasn’t actually Andre’s post that had popped up, it was one of my other friends, Steve. The way Facebook displayed it, I guess I can see my own confusion now. It showed me, “Steve commented on a post,” as if Steve’s comment on Andre’s post was worthy enough news to be displayed on my news feed as a standalone story. Steve wrote, “Oh man, I’m busy, but we should catch up soon!” And then, even though I clearly wasn’t Facebook friends with Andre, for whatever reason I could see all of those comments to that post, maybe because I was still friends with Steve or something, I don’t know.

“Definitely! Hope all is well by you!” Andre posted underneath Steve’s message. And down the line it went, lots of people responding in the negative, Andre replying with a friendly acknowledgment, he clicked the like button next to each response. And there was my comment, finally, all alone, unliked, unacknowledged. A day after mine, Cliff wrote, “Yeah, sounds good, I’m in.”

So whatever, again, I don’t even care anymore. I mean, that’s not true, I’m obviously still pretty keyed up over being ignored, but what am I going to do, right? It’s just, I was trying to be the bigger person here, which sounds like bullshit, right? Because I was going to be the one getting the free ticket. But it wasn’t about the ticket. I just thought it would have been cool to rekindle an old friendship. But that’s fine, you want to be a jerk about it Andre? I don’t care. You be the smaller person. I’m not getting involved anymore than I already have.

I’ve heard that story a million times already

One night at dinner my dad said, “Did I ever tell you kids about the time I raced your Uncle George when we were little kids?”

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And I was being a typical teenaged jerk, and so I said, “Yeah dad, you’ve told us like a million times already.” Even though that wasn’t true. I’d never heard my dad talk about racing, or Uncle George. Uncle George lived in Minnesota somewhere, and I couldn’t remember the last time we’d actually seen him. There was a photo album somewhere around the house, in one of the big bookshelves in my parents’ room. But even that was kind of off-limits. If we ever got caught snooping around upstairs, it was a big deal and it always ended with a lot of yelling.

My dad gave me an annoyed look, and he was just about to open his mouth to say something to put me in my place, when my younger brother Neil said, “Dad, I’ve never heard that story.”

So my dad closed his mouth and smiled a little, and without looking away from where I was sitting, he said, “Well then Neil, you’re in for a treat. Because this is a great story.” And I kind of rolled my eyes really dramatically, like, man, now I have to sit here and listen to a boring story from my dad. “But your brother’s already heard it, so why don’t we get out of here? I’ll tell you in the car.”

And my dad got up and pushed his chair in, walking away from his dinner plate. “Where are you going?” my mom said.

“Neil and I are going out of for a ride,” he said to my mom, and then turning to Neil added, “You want to grab some ice cream?” to which Neil bounced out of his seat and ran to the foyer to get his coat.

I waited until my dad was out of earshot and said in a mock-loud voice, “And who’s going to clear up all of these plates, your mother?” and nobody heard me, not my mom, definitely not my dad. And that was fine, because I didn’t know where I was going with that comment, not really. As soon as I said it, I realized that all I was doing was inviting my mom to make me stick around and help her clean up. The phone rang, my mom went further back into the kitchen, and I disappeared into my room until I was sure everything would have been put away.

And then I went back downstairs, my mom was smoking a cigarette at the kitchen table, I asked her, “Mom?” and she said, “Yeah?” and I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was in an OK mood, like she wasn’t pissed off or anything, and so I said, “What was dad talking about at dinner?”

“What do you mean?” she said.

“That whole race thing, with Uncle George?”

And her forehead got really tight and she said, “Uncle George?”

“Yeah, dad was going to say something about a race?”

“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask him when he gets home.”

And just then the driveway lit up as the station wagon pulled in right by the kitchen. My dad and Neil got out of the car, and when they walked into the house, Dad had a pretty big smile on his face. I didn’t really want to stick around and see if he was going to start smiling in my direction, and so I got up to go to my room. As I rounded the corner from the kitchen to the hallway, I could hear my mom say, “You didn’t bring any ice cream home for the rest of us?”

I didn’t say anything that night, and I was pretty good about trying not to think about it for the next couple of days or so. But just when I figured that the thoughts of my dad and my brother and the story about that race were going to fade away for good, they rallied and made a comeback, something like three or four days after that night at dinner. It was all I could think about. What was so important about a dumb race? Why did my dad have to leave the house to tell Neil? Why wasn’t anybody else talking about this?

So I cornered my brother when I got home from school that day. I said, “Neil, what did you and Dad talk about when you went out for ice cream after dinner?” and I was ready, I mean, I wasn’t going to let Neil go without him telling me what happened. If I had to twist his arm behind his back, or threaten to scratch all of his CDs when he wasn’t home, I hadn’t really left anything off the table in terms of forcing him to talk.

But none of that was necessary. Right away, Neil was like, “Dad didn’t say anything. We drove around town for like fifteen minutes in complete silence. It was so weird. I kept thinking, where are we going for ice cream? Why isn’t Dad saying anything? And then finally he talked, he was like, Neil, when we get home, I don’t want you to say anything to your brother. He’s going to ask you about the race between me and Uncle George, and you don’t say anything, got it? And I was like, what are you talking about? And he said, the race story, from dinner. And I said, OK, are we going for ice cream? And he said, no, no ice cream, I think we have ice cream in the freezer. But there wasn’t any ice cream in the freezer. There’s never ice cream in the freezer. And then I said, but dad, what’s the deal with the race story? And he said, what? And I said, the race, you know, with Uncle George? And then he said, shhhh, be quiet, I love this song. It was that song Old Time Rock and Roll. You know that one, right? And that was it. There wasn’t any ice cream.”

My first instinct was that Neil was lying, but after a while he just wouldn’t stop talking and so I left the room, satisfied that nothing had really happened.

And then later that week at dinner, in between bites of meat loaf, my dad said out of nowhere, “So, I bet you’re wondering about that race story between me and your Uncle George.” And he kind of just smiled. I looked down, but he probably gave Neil a wink.

And I didn’t say anything for a second, but then came back with, “Who are you talking to?”

Dad looked pissed off, but pissed off in a way that tried to make it look like he wasn’t pissed off. So he had this kind of half smile, half scowl. And he said, “I’m talking to you. Don’t you want to know about the race?”

And I looked down at my lap and said, “Dad, you’ve already told that story like a million times. You tried to race Uncle George, but he was always a lot faster than you, and so you never beat him. Come on dad, that’s a pretty lame story. I don’t know why you keep telling it.”

Mom started laughing, but it was like she was trying not to laugh, and my dad shot her a nasty look. Everyone was really quiet for a good amount of time, all you could hear were the sounds of forks and knives clinking against plates and teeth. I thought about ratting Neil out, telling everyone about how Neil told me that him and Dad just drove around in circles listening to classic rock. But I didn’t.

And then five more minutes passed, and I opened my mouth and said, “Hey Mom, do we have any ice cream for dessert?”

And my mom looked at me with a really confused face and said, “Ice cream? Dessert?”

I said, “Yeah, Neil, didn’t you say something about ice cream in the freezer?”

“No,” he said, looking down at his lap.

And I said, “Oh, my mistake. I thought you said something about ice cream in the freezer.” And then I looked up at the table and my dad was just staring at Neil with a really pissed off look on his face.