Tag Archives: boss

Dinner party

I’m a good cook. Just, please, try to stay out of my way. I don’t need any help. So no, please don’t bring any side dishes. I have the side dishes already planned out. It’s the same with dessert. If you bring dessert, well, don’t bring dessert, because I’m telling you right now, no dessert, so go ahead and try me, bring that box from the bakery, I’ll be like, “Gee, sorry, looks like there’s no room in the fridge,” and then I’ll really push back the dessert course, make sure your lemon meringue pie or whatever it is inside that box gets nice and warm, really mushy, and I have just the serving dish I can put it on, it’s gross looking, like I think someone put it in the oven one time, and so it’s got all of these weird burnt-on grease looking stains, and you could tell it was just starting to melt, minutes away from losing any semblance of structural integrity.

I don’t need you to bring any drinks, I’ll handle the drinks. What, were planning on buying a few two-liter bottles of soda? Don’t even think about it. If you’re currently thinking about it, just stop right there, because I’ve got it covered. That includes cups, and yes, that includes ice.

And napkins. I’m taking care of napkins. Please don’t bring your coats. If you get cold inside, I’ll have plenty of extra sweaters and blankets available. Just leave it to me, all right? It’s just that, for my dinner parties, I like to maintain a certain continuity of theme, I’m trying to strike not just the perfect dinner, but everything, the ambiance, the lighting – please don’t touch the lights – it’s got to be just right.

Listen, I’d prefer it if everyone ate with forks in their left hands, OK? I know it shouldn’t seem like a big deal, but I’m going to be getting up to take a photo soon … no, nobody look over here, it’s got to be candid, and remember what I was talking about before? The uniformity? Yeah, just not like that. Like, try to cut the steak against the grill mark, just so everybody will be able to see the char.

You know what? I’ll cut the food. Just, everybody pass your plates over here. I insist. Hey, you two at the end, if you’re going to have a side conversation, could it maybe be something a little topical? I’m sure it’s very important to figure out who’s splitting a cab home with who, but maybe that’s something that you could have discussed before you stepped inside. Just think of it like a house rule, like maybe talk about the news, or sports. You know what? The news. Talk about the mayor.

Hey, over here, yeah you, nobody goes to the bathroom until after the first course. Look, this isn’t a restaurant, OK? The dining room is simply way too close to the bathroom, so it’s all got to be fit in somewhere, and that’ll be in between courses four and five. Yep, get comfortable folks. And besides, I’m not ready to go in there with you. There’s a certain way to do it in there, it may look like any other first-floor bathroom, but … well, I really can’t explain it, it’s just something I’ve got to show you how to do.

Seriously? You guys are leaving already? Well, let me wrap up some of this food for you, trust me, you’re going to love it, I’ve been working on this all day. Just, when you get home, make sure you adjust the presets on the microwave, like normally they’re set to nine or ten and nobody ever thinks about it once it’s set up. All you have to do is set it to six, run it for twenty-four seconds, then you set it to ten, and you pulse it, one second, wait, three seconds, wait, then you take it out, you mix it up a little, back to level six, thirty seconds, rest, wait, repeat.

You know what? I’m going to come with you, I just need to show you, this won’t take long everybody, just, feel free to hang out in the living room, you guys can talk about anything, well, feel free to open up the conversation somewhat, like I guess sports is OK. No come on, I insist, give me the keys, no I’ll drive, I know a shortcut, I’ll have you guys set up at your dinner table in no time.

Thanks! Have a great day!

I was at the grocery store the other day, and after the cashier gave me the receipt and handed me my bags, she looked at me, she smiled and said, “Have a great day!” And I wanted to be like, excuse me, but don’t tell me what to do, OK? Why don’t you concentrate on your day? You want to have a great day? Fine. But how about just leaving me alone with my day, to do with it as I see fit?

And so, fuck that lady, bossing me around, I had the shittiest day ever. I went home and left my groceries out on the table for the whole day. The milk got warm, I had to throw the whole gallon out, the ice cream melted, my dog wound up jumping on top of the kitchen table to lick everything up. It was chocolate ice cream, and so of course he got really sick.

I had to call in to work, “Hey boss, my dog just ate a bunch of chocolate ice cream, so I have to take him to the vet,” and my boss was like, “Listen Rob, you can’t keep calling out like this so last minute. What am I supposed to do this late in the day? It’s way past time where I could’ve gotten someone else to take your shift.”

So I got fired, yep, my day was taking a sharp turn south. I got to the vet and my dog, he was like collapsing, I kept having to prop him upright just so he could take another few steps, and then it was the same thing, collapse, throw up, cough, prop up, walk. Finally we got to the office and the vet told me, “I don’t know that there’s much we can do right now,” and right as he said that, standing there scratching his chin, my dog dropped dead.

Totally not a good day. And the vet told me, “Look, I’m really sorry, but it’s going to cost two hundred bucks to dispose of the body,” and I was like, “Are you kidding me? I don’t have two hundred bucks,” to which he said, “Well, how were you planning on paying me today if your dog wound up surviving? Nothing here costs less than two hundred bucks.” And I didn’t like being talked down to like that, so I said, “Oh yeah? Nothing? Well what about those,” I was pointing to this display of leashes and collars that he had by the door.

“I was talking about medicine, treatment. That stuff over there costs twenty, thirty bucks, depending on the leash.” I said, “Nice try doc, you said nothing. You weren’t specific.” And so I hoisted the dog’s body over my shoulder, I threw a twenty on his desk and grabbed a new collar on the way out.

It took three black garbage bags to hold the dog without ripping the plastic, but I got him in there, that and the new leash I bought for him post-mortem. Everything was settling in, the dog, he being dead, me throwing away twenty bucks to prove a point. I had a lot of trouble carrying the bag to the park, and when I finally managed to get it inside one of the public trashcans, some Parks Department employee came running over, “Hey! You can’t dump that here!”

So I took off, I got back to my house, and, never having cleaned up any of that milk or melted ice cream, the whole place stunk. I don’t know how the flies got in so fast, but they were all over it, the spill, the rest of the groceries. I couldn’t find a mop so I got some old newspaper I found in the basement to sop everything up. But the newspaper print bled, the paper wasn’t absorbent, I just wound up making more of a mess than I had in the first place.

Eventually I just gave up, fuck this, the whole dog thing was really starting to weigh on me. I felt like I needed to cry but I couldn’t muster up the emotion necessary to really have any relief, it was just a ball of misery sitting right under my throat. Finally I decided that I’d better eat something, so I went back to the grocery store to get some bread, I’d make some peanut butter and jelly or something.

“Thanks a lot!” it was the same cashier ringing me up again, I couldn’t believe it. “Have a great night!” and I took the bag, I looked her right in the eye and said, “The fuck you just say to me?”

I’m with you, sir

Sir, I just wanted to let you know that, despite all of the growing doubts about your ability to lead this company, I’m still with you, you’ve still got my support. And so, going forward, I hope you don’t feel like everyone’s turned on you, that the vote of no confidence is unanimous. Because regardless of how everyone else voted, you’ll always have my vote, a vote of yes confidence.

And when the board meets later today to decide your fate, know that it’s against my strongest objections. I object to the fact that they’re meeting in the first place. We don’t need a board. We’ve got you, the best boss this company has ever seen. Sure profits have tanked lately, but there’s always going to be a period of loss. We’re cutting out the crap, right? Isn’t that what you said? So it’s just a matter of time before things turn around.

If they do throw you out, and things do get better, that’ll be exactly how you saw it coming, loss, then gain. But the board, the rest of staff, everyone’s so short-sighted. A few misguided ethics inquiries and it’s off with the king’s head. Well I want to you let you know that, whatever future successes this company might achieve, and whoever happens to be leading the helm to take credit for those future successes, I won’t be sticking around to add on to the pile of false praise.

No, because if they kick you out, I’m going with you. That’s if they kick you out. The board hasn’t even met yet, and so, who knows, right? Maybe they’ll all have some eleventh hour sense knocked into them. True, it does seem more and more unlikely that anything is going to sway the tide of popular opinion. But one has to hope.

Still, like I said, if that hope winds up not bearing any fruit, I’ll be by your side. Wherever you wind up next, know that you’ve got my unconditional support. Even if that means no pay for a while. Even if it’s just you at your house getting up in the morning and trying out a next move. I’ll make you breakfast. I’ll help you look for a new job, for a new company to lead.

Remember that speech you gave at last year’s quarterly? You said something about, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” That was really inspirational. And I’ve kept that with me, not knowing exactly when I’d get to actually utilize such wisdom. But the moment is now. We are tough, and we’re going to get going. Together. Like if you’re pacing back in forth in your living room, trying to figure out how you’re going to get back in the game, I’ll have a pot of coffee going, so when you want a fresh cup, you’re not even going to have to ask, you won’t even have to stop pacing, you’ll just get to the natural end of your stride and there it’ll be.

And when you do make it back to the top, assuming that the board does vote you out today, and again, I’m not hoping that’s what’s going to happen, nor is it a certainty, I just feel like we should be ready for anything. Because if the office chatter is backed by anything substantial, it only makes sense that we brace ourselves for all options. But when you are back on top, you’ll have me right by your side. You won’t have to lower yourself to your opponents, sinking to their level, getting in their faces, pointing your finger at them and saying, “Hmph. I told you so.” No, I’ll be the one to do that for you.

So keep that chin up, boss. For the next four hours or so, you’re still the one in charge around here. Don’t forget it. Keep that chin up. Tell that guy over there to stop standing around by the water cooler and get back to work. There’s still time to get a few office wide memos in circulation, I could help put everything together.

And just remember, whatever happens, I’m with you all the way. My name? It’s Johnson. I work on four. Remember? I met you a few months ago at the spring benefit? We talked about the chicken, how dry it was? My hair was a little longer, not that much longer, but I just got a haircut the other day? Our wives had the same Chanel clutch? I passed you the salt shaker? Remember? Nothing?

Happy Fifth of July!

Happy Fifth of July everybody. If there’s one day out of the whole year that gets absolutely no respect, it’s today, July 5^th. The day after Christmas is awesome because you’re still playing with all of your new stuff. The day after Easter is equally cool because Easter sucks and it’s a relief to not have to pretend to be celebrating a bullshit holiday anymore. But July 5^th, man, nobody likes July 5^th.

And that’s too bad. Everybody looks forward to the Fourth, there’s usually some sort of a three-day weekend involved, except for this year, the Fourth is on a Thursday, and so all of the bosses are like, what are you high? A four-day weekend? Nice try. We’re actually giving you a two-day weekend this year. So don’t get too comfortable on Thursday. Seriously, stop laughing. I’m not joking around at all. I expect you in the office at nine tomorrow.

And so chances are you’re probably reading this from work. Maybe your boss sent out a mass text to everyone at like seven am, “Rise and shine team! Just a friendly reminder that we are OPEN FOR BUSINESS and that I expect you all AT YOUR DESKS in two hours!!!” And it gets to the heart of why everybody hates this day. On July 5^th, it’s just this annual reminder that summer’s never going to be as fun or as cool as it was when we were all little kids.

I mean, yes, next year the Fourth is going to be on a Friday, and so the fifth will get a little bit of a break, but not much. That’s just Saturday. The default awesomeness of Saturday comes at a price, namely that, while it’s consistently the best day out of the week every single week, it’s kind of stuck there at its weekly level of greatness. What I’m saying is, you try taking a really great day and throwing it on a Saturday and it kind of evens out to just another Saturday.

Like when Christmas is on a Saturday. Nothing’s worse, because your boss is like, this is great, we don’t have to give any days off for the holidays this year. And there’s always one employee who fancies himself a leader, he starts going around from employee to employee, “This isn’t fair! We should all just make our case, that we want off for Christmas Eve!”

And some people coworkers might be like, “Yeah!” but even his more vocal supporters aren’t going to actually stick their necks out. Most people are just going to be like, “You know what’s worse than having to come in this Friday? Having to sit here and listen to you plot out a Christmas Eve revolution. Get out.”

When he finally goes to the boss, the boss is like, “No, we feel that the two-day weekend is more than fair, and we expect everybody to work the whole day on Friday,” and, realizing that things aren’t really going as he envisioned in his head, the employee might reach for a feeble, “Come on, maybe a half day?” but the boss just shakes his head from side to side.

July 5^th should be more appreciated. If I were in charge, first of all, I wouldn’t make anybody come in today at all. I’d say, “Enjoy the four-day weekend everybody,” adding, “and you know what? Take Monday off also. Enjoy the five-day weekend.” I’d be a hero. And I’d be doing my staff a service. Everybody wants a vacation during the summer, but why are you supposed to use your vacation time? And you take a week off sometime in July, then you’ve got to get out there and vacation with every other person in America also trying to take a summer break, and the airlines jack the prices and everything’s more expensive.

Fuck that. There should be a built-in, government mandated weeklong summer holiday, starting on July 5^th. Obviously we’d still have the Fourth off, but this would be separate, a July 5^th week off.

But if I were the boss, and I still had a boss, and even though I wanted to give everybody off, maybe my boss would be like, “Absolutely not!” and he’d be shaking this printed out spreadsheet at me, like, look at these numbers, just look! “And you want to give the whole team a day off?” In this situation, I’d at least get everybody a catered breakfast. People would come in, all pissed off that they really have to work on Friday after having had off on Thursday and they’d see trays of eggs benedict and French toast. It would make the day. And of course there’d be a catered lunch as well.

Man, don’t Google employees get that every day? I’ve applied for a Google job like twelve times and they never even respond, they’re just like, “Thanks! Someone has received your application!” Goddamn, I want what they have. I bet you nobody at Google is working today. I bet you they have free Fifth of July t-shirts on the way into the office, but nobody’s wearing them because everybody has the day off. Meanwhile, the rest of the working world is lucky they have the Friday off after Thanksgiving. Hey Google, come on, give me a job, please, I’ll do anything. Just let me have that free lunch. If your Internet robots are out there crawling the web, have them send this blog post to somebody at HR.

Anyway, try to keep your chin up. This fifth of July will be over in no time and, it’s really not that bad, tomorrow’s Saturday. Everybody loves Saturday. Just make sure you stay the full day today, like all the way until five, or six, or ten if you’re a lawyer of something like that. Happy fifth everybody!

I deserve a promotion

I want a promotion so badly. Johnson got a promotion over a year ago, and we started like two weeks apart. And now that I think about it, I think it was me who started first. Or I interviewed first. It doesn’t matter, except that he got the promotion, and I definitely want one too. I didn’t even know he was up for a promotion. Real nice of him to let me know there was one up for grabs.

Fuck, Maggie got a promotion like last week, and she definitely didn’t start until like six months ago. What the hell man? Part of me has a mind to just barge into the boss’s office, I want to be like, “Boss, that’s it. I want a promotion right now, or I’m walking.” But that’s a little too aggressive, right? It’s like, I don’t know how to approach these situations.

And we haven’t even really talked, the boss and me, not since the old boss’s retirement party. What a fucking mountain out of a molehill, excuse the cliché, but that’s exactly what it was. I showed up, it was just in the conference room, right? And he wasn’t even half a day away from taking the reigns of the business and he’s like, “You! Hey! You! Where’s your tie? Show some respect!”

I didn’t even know what to think, how to respond. I was wearing slacks and a button-down. Nobody on four wears ties. Come on. And I probably should have just faded into the background, yeah, I wasn’t even that close with the old boss anyway, but, and maybe it’s because I wasn’t really aware that this guy was going to be the new boss, like I was aware of it, but my mind hadn’t made the official connection yet, and I was like, “Come on man! We never wear ties on four!”

And I know how it looked, like I was double-fisting those beers, but I wasn’t. I always do that at those corporate open bars, I get there early, I grab two beers, then I wait for the line to get really long and I’ll go up to somebody way in the back, somebody I haven’t necessarily talked to in a little while, and I’ll be like, “Hey! Long time no see, huh? Hey I got you a beer!”

But I kind of botched that this time around, I went up to this guy Phil, I hadn’t talked to him since orientation, like way back, and I was like, “Phil!” and right away, like before I even got a chance to really say hi, he just kind of puts his hand up, “I don’t drink.” OK, fine, don’t drink, but let me say hi at least. How did he know I was going to offer him a beer?

That’s what I was thinking, in my head I was like, who the hell does this guy think he is? So I took a sip out of each beer, just to be like, I don’t know what you’re talking about Phil, you don’t drink, fine, this beer wasn’t for you, I’m drinking double. That’s right, I’m double-fisting.

And that’s when I got called out on the no-tie thing, and after I told him that we never wear ties on four, he actually did call me out on the double-fisting. And so, yeah, I get how it looked, but there was more to it. There was a whole thing going on, with Phil, with the beers. I started to tell him and he just walked away, fine, whatever, that’s not exactly a quality I would personally look for in a potential successor, but I’m sure the old boss had his reasons.

That’s when my friend Greg came up, one of my friends down on four, and he was like, “Hey man!” and I held him out that beer, whatever, I only took a little sip just before to show Phil, but it wasn’t that big of a sip, and Greg didn’t care, he was like, “Thanks man! You’re the fucking best!” Which was great, Greg’s a great guy, although I couldn’t help but notice he was wearing a tie, which I found kind of surprising.

And it’s ridiculous because Greg got promoted like three months ago. Greg! I need a promotion. It’s really not fair at all. All because of one corporate cocktail party? One no-tie situation? I was like three beers deep, and that’s another thing, why have an open bar if you’re just going to stand around and judge your employees for taking advantage of it? But whatever, all of the sudden the new boss showed up, “Here, put this on,” it was this old, like old green tie. It was like permanently warped, I don’t even know where he found this thing. It was green and slimy looking, like a dead garden snake.

“I don’t want to put that on, you’re not the boss,” not yet he wasn’t. Like I said, that hadn’t yet sunk in fully, I probably should have chosen my words a little more carefully, I could’ve been like, “You’re not the boss, yet.” And that was when my open bar trick kind of got me in trouble, right as I was arguing about the tie, Greg came back with four more beers, two for him, two more for me, and I was already holding two.

The boss put the tie in his pocket and told us both to leave immediately, to which Greg laughed and said, “You’re not the boss yet, get out of here,” and then he walked over to the old boss and got him a beer also. And the new boss just stood there in the corner for a while and scowled.

But it’s like, come on, you’re going to hold a grudge for that long? Can I please just have a promotion? I’ve been down on four for forever. Come on, I’ll start wearing a tie. Greg, you can put in a good word for me, right Greg? Greg? Does Greg still work here? You know, the big fat guy with the shirt always sort of untucked? No? He got fired? When? I thought he got promoted. How come nobody tells me anything around here? Am I on the email lists? Do I still work here?