Cheer up! Things’ll get better. Life can’t be that bad. Money problems? Money’s only paper. Paper grows on trees. Don’t let yourself get too down because of a tree. Besides, it’s just numbers. When you look at the whole thing, it might seem unmanageable, but try breaking it up into chunks, and just concentrate on one chunk at a time. How much? Geez. Well, maybe try breaking up the chunks into smaller chunks and … but yeah, that is a lot of money.

Maybe try calling up one of those debt management companies? I think your credit gets wiped out, like you have to start over from scratch, but it might be better than trying to pay off that much … how much again? Yikes. Maybe like one of those structured bankruptcies? You just have to collect all your bills and get them all in one spot. Wow.

No, you’re right, I don’t think debt companies can do much to help you if you owe cash. Maybe … can you work something out with … what was his name again? Joey? You think Joey’s really going to break your thumbs? It just seems a little cliché is all. I’m not saying he’s not threatening you, and I’m not saying not to take those threats seriously, it’s just, thumbs? Isn’t that from Rocky? And how are you supposed to get any of the money together if your thumbs are broken? Yeah, it might not directly get in your way, but it’s not going to make anything any easier. Plus, all the added worry, and the hospital bills.

Holy shit. I never really thought about how difficult day-to-day life must be without use of your thumbs. Both thumbs. You know they always say that’s what separates us from the animals, right, the whole opposable thumbs business. So you can’t pick anything up? And going to the bathroom, that’s got to be a nightmare. Washing your hands. Unlocking the front door.

No, why would he do that to you? Yeah, yeah it is a lot of money, which only serves my argument, that if he really wants to see any of that money repaid, ever, he’s got to think of a more practical threat than a couple of broken thumbs. At that point it just seems personal, like I don’t really care about the money at all. Like I only lent you that money, and such a large sum of, hoping that you wouldn’t be able to repay it all, actually, knowing that you weren’t good for it, just so I can then start calling you up in the middle of the night, leaving you threatening messages about breaking your thumbs, and then finally, finally doing the deed, but really enjoying it, way too much. And there are two of them. Two thumbs to break. So you can enjoy the first one, the visceral act of breaking the thumb, and then really savor the second thumb, taking your time with it.

He really said that? Now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t know man, this seems pretty fucked up. What would make you think it would be a good idea to accept that big of a loan from a guy like this? How did you find him? Did the people that referred you to him mention anything about the broken thumbs?

I mean, still, I guess, cheer up? Can you go to the cops maybe? Maybe like a witness protection program? This is a little beyond my range of advice, you know. I’m usually the guy you turn to when you’ve got a big project due at work tomorrow, something you haven’t started yet, and you come to me all stressed out and I’ll be like, “Hey man, cheer up! You can do it! Just divide your task up into smaller tasks!” like all that stuff I was saying to you earlier. And then maybe I’d get you a cup of coffee or something.

But this? Geez. This sounds pretty serious. I don’t have any generic sounding advice for this. And no, I don’t even have close to the amount of money to give you to avoid this guy. Maybe you could break them first? So that way when this Joey guy comes looking for you, he won’t have anything to break? But then still, you’d have all of the difficulties of living life with, for all practical purposes here, no hands. Man. I guess “cheer up” is still the best I can do. It’s not great advice, but it’s not nothing. Would you rather have nothing? Because I can give you nothing. Cheer up or nothing. You choose.