Everybody just take a deep breath and stop freaking out. All right? All right. We’re not going to get anywhere if we keep pushing, moving, breathing really heavy, whimpering in the corner. Get out of the corner! Stand up! There’s not enough room in this elevator for anybody to be crouching down. If everybody tried to crouch down and take a little rest, we’d all wind up on top of one another. And there’s just not enough space for that to happen. Think about it, if everybody tried to squat, knees would be sticking out, half of the people in this elevator would wind up on top of half of everybody else. And I’m not threatening, I’m not warning, all right, I’m just saying, I’m not going to wind up on the bottom, OK? And I have pointy elbows and knees.

So just everybody stay calm! OK? Well, maybe I shouldn’t have squeezed in the elevator, right, true, but where does that get us now? What about you, I saw you get in right before me. Just because I got in last? And who pressed the second floor button? You? You can’t take the stairs up one floor? Fibromyalgia? Look, I’m not a doctor, I’m just saying, if you couldn’t handle a flight of stairs, you probably shouldn’t have made such a mad dash for the elevator.

So just chill out everybody. Calm down for a second! And why were you holding the elevator doors open? I saw you from like all the way down the hallway, like five or six people running to it, Mr. fibromyalgia right in front of me, and you’re just standing there, sticking your hand in front of the sensor every single time. If you had just stopped trying to be the Jesus of the elevator, like what, you don’t have anywhere to be? You don’t think anybody else in here had anywhere to be? God, if you had just let the doors close a little bit more naturally, this car could have been all the way up and all the way back down again before I ever even had a chance to run over here. Like what are you, the elevator guy?

You are the elevator guy? OK, so don’t you get like any training? Don’t they tell you you’re supposed to like follow those signs, those maximum occupancy signs? All I know is that whatever your duties are, I’d have to say your primary responsibilities are ultimately split between pushing buttons and maintaining those maximum occupancy standards.

Well I’m a big guy, so stop pointing fingers, all right? Quit trying to escalate the situation! Everybody stop talking! I think we’re running out of air in here! Who’s pressing that alarm bell? It’s not doing anything all right? Seriously stop it! Everybody quiet down, did you just hear the intercom? Was somebody saying something? Were those instructions? Goddamn it will you shut up for one second so we can at least try and figure out what they’re trying to tell …

Fuck! Motherfucker! Did you feel that? Holy shit everybody stay still! Stop breathing! You calm the fuck down! Holy shit I swear to God I felt something move. No, stop moving. No you stop moving too! Everybody, we’ve got to synchronize our breaths. We’ve got to stop fidgeting. OK! Don’t touch me! Get your hands off me! No you sit down! No, I mean, nobody sit down! I’m not sitting down first, I’ve already played out how this is going to go down, and there’s now way I’m winding up crushed under the weight of half of the people in this elevator.

Ow! What do you that’s going to solve? OK! OK. OK, OK, OK. All right. Fine. More deep breaths, right. OK, I’ll admit, that got a little out of hand. Yes, well I have a meeting upstairs, it’s very important. OK, yeah, I do realize that I shouldn’t have panicked. Sue me, right? I’m a human being and I freaked out a little from being trapped in this goddamn elevator wall to wall with way too many people and Oh my God, are we running out of air in here, how much oxygen can these vents push through, what is the maximum occupancy standards measured out, by weight? By oxygen flow? Did somebody just fart?

Are you fucking kidding me? Ow! Is that pizza? Does somebody have food in here? Everybody, we’ve got to divvy it up before things take a turn here, I’m not kidding, all right? Let’s just everybody … oh wait, is that? Was I? So you just have to press open? So I was standing … wow. OK, look everybody, I hope we can all learn something here. I always like to stand there, I didn’t think I’d really be blocking, it’s just, OK. Just let me out of here. Just. Excuse me I’m just going to. It’s OK, it’s open, no, yes, no I am going to ten but I can climb, I’m looking forward to hopefully working here someday, I’m really looking forward to someday incorporating this ten flight stair climb into my daily routine. Nobody else works on ten, right? You do? Can you just, you know, can you not say anything? Can we just, like, can I buy you a cup of coffee? Can you just not tell anybody about the freaking out? Please? Yes? Please?