Nothing. I can’t think of anything. My brain can’t even get started. Imagine trying to use a chainsaw. You know how you have to pull the string on a chainsaw, and each time you pull it, it’ll make that noise, like, OK, maybe it’s going to start, maybe the whole thing will rev into action, but it doesn’t, it dies right back down, so you try again, and again, and you realize that, maybe it’s not about how hard you’re pulling, maybe it’s more about how fast you’re pulling it. It has to be hard and fast, just the right amount of both. My brain feels just like that chainsaw, but with the handle cut off the rope, so you can’t get a grip. Actually, it feels like there is no rope. And there’s no chain either. And also, it’s totally out of gas.

I’ve never actually used a chainsaw. But it’s one of those things I’ve seen on TV a hundred thousand times. I’m so familiar with the image that I’m almost positive I could pick up a chainsaw and use it and it would be exactly how I imagine it to be, no surprises, nothing separating real life from the scenery I’ve cooked up in my mind.

It’s the same with jackhammers. Every time I pass a bunch of guys doing some construction work I’m always more than a little bit tempted to approach them and be like, “Guys, come on, please, let me use the jackhammer. Come on.” And, if I were working construction, I’d be thrilled. I’d be like, “You got it boss,” and then I’d sit back and take a break. I think that chain sawing, jackhammering, these have got to be like universal humanisms. (Is that a word?) Like I think that anybody could do it.

If I could design my own jackhammer, I’d add some pegs at the bottom for me to put my feet on, both of them, so I’d be standing on the jackhammer as it went to work. Picture a pogo stick going out on a date with a jackhammer, having a few too many drinks, taking things way too fast and having a baby. I’m pretty sure that, given the right environment, like a happy home and a balanced diet, that baby would grow up into the appliance that I’m thinking about in my head. I’d call it either a jackstick or a pogohammer. Not too original, I obviously just switched around the first and last parts of each item, but it’s not about the name here, it’s about the tool, and how cool it would be, how much more fun it would be to operate than your traditional jackhammer.

And I don’t want to get stuck on this here, but we’d see a surge in construction activity, because so many more people would want to use this awesome new tool. More construction workers, more construction projects, a more vibrant economy, more people enjoying what they do for a living. I think that Western society as a whole would be much better off, much more satisfied. And what if you make the bottom part detachable, so when you’re at work it’s a chisel, for breaking rocks and cement, but then at the end of the day can replace it with something soft, something bouncy, and so it would keep the pogo aspect of the hybrid alive also. These construction guys could own their own pogohammers, they’d ride them to work, use them at work, and them pogo home. Fun, environmentally friendly, a whole range of possibilities here.

And so I’m thinking, what other sorts of appliances or power tools can we maybe merge with other more common items? I started with a chainsaw. What if, instead of a chain, for cutting, you could swap in like a comb, for brushing? A combsaw. And this way you could brush your hair in a fraction of the time. Although, we might have to figure out something about the gas engine. I can’t imagine people wanting to breathe in all of that exhaust, like in their bathrooms or bedrooms.

No, let’s go back to the jackhammers. Maybe we could put a wheel on the bottom. And so it would be like one third jackhammer, or not one third … hold on … it would be one half jackhammer, then one quarter pogo stick and one quarter Segway. Do you need a license to operate a jackhammer? I hope not. Although it probably depends on local laws, permits, regulations. Could we change that? Does anybody know anybody on the City Council? What do you think the chances are that we could fix it, make it easier for your average everyman to own and operate a pogohamway?